Am I being overly sensitive??

[OneBluePanda]

Hi all,

looking for some advice…

I’ve been TTC for 18 months with absolutely nothing only a whole load of distress. During this time 3 people at work (in a small team of 12) have got pregnant on are now on maternity leave.

With Christmas coming we’ve started to plan a Christmas lunch during work hours, which I was really looking forward to. However now, the 3 maternity leavers and babies(!) are coming, despite me saying to my boss how uncomfortable this will make me.

I don’t feel there is anyway I can go. I feel so excluded and my problems ignored/dismissed. Just like a lower priority to those who can have children.

Anyway, my question is… am I wrong to be so upset and feel excluded? And do I have a leg to stand on when raising this at work?

Hey lovely I'm so sorry you're going through this, I know how difficult it can be. Thought I'd offer my perspective as I've had a child and been on mat leave and have also since experienced 7 losses in the past 6 years I've been ttc 😔 personally I think those on mat leave are entitled to come as it's good for them to keep in contact with the team ect and they probably dont want to leave their babies with them being so little. Also it's a nice gesture from the company and they dont deserve to miss out just because they had a baby. If your going to really struggle maybe don't go but I think it would be unfair for them not to be able to bring their babies to meet the team and enjoy too. I really do empathise though as I really struggle with feeling hurt and sad around pregnant people or new mums. I hope you get your bfp soon x

Having been through several cycles of IVF, and 4 MC after finally getting IVF pregnancies, I do understand why you would find it difficult, BUT colleagues on ML are entitled to be included in the Christmas lunch.
Excluding them would be wrong, and you aren’t being excluded as you are invited, although I understand why you feel you are unable to join the lunch. Asking your boss to exclude those on ML because it would upset you would be wrong though, so sorry you are struggling through this

Your feelings are your feelings, and you should sit with them. But it's unreasonable to expect your company to disinvite three members of the team to a team Christmas lunch because of your feelings, and they're highly unlikely to be able to leave their babies easily when on maternity leave, so the babies coming is inevitable. Obviously don't attend if it will distress you too much.

Long term TTC is tough, really tough. But try not to get upset at your colleagues being invited or for quite justifiably wanting to be there at the Christmas do. It's a great opportunity for them to catch up with everyone and make their return to work after ML easier. You can't be bitter at every baby or mother you see. I've brought my babies to work Christmas meals on a couple of occasions. I wouldn't have been able to attend otherwise and those opportunities for contact are invaluable. I'm also on cycle 35 of TTC #3 and frequently get pissed off with the world and the injustice of the (in)fertility lottery. But you know what? I'm hugely looking forward to seeing my two new mum colleagues this December. I really hope they can make it, with or without sproglets.

It's tough OP, I do have a daughter already but it's taken me 4 years to fall pregnant again so i get how upsetting it can be when everyone around you seems to be getting what you want!
Having said that, your colleagues on maternity leave haven't done anything wrong and you have to find a way to separate other peoples happiness from your own struggles for your own sanity. Both can co-exist: you can be sad for your own situation but still happy and excited for others.
Don't let this make you bitter.

Your feelings are valid, however it’s not fair to say that your colleagues on mat leave can’t come. They would be being excluded for being on mat leave, however you are not being excluded you just don’t want to be around them. Don’t go if you don’t want to but please don’t bring up the idea of them not coming, it will look really bad on you.

Absolutely ridiculous they are bringing their babies to a work function???

Fine for them to attend but why on earth would anyone want to spend a Christmas lunch with a bunch of random children.

I have 0 kids but currently 23 weeks after ttc for 4 years. I understand how you feel, however babies are everywhere in life. I was struggling a lot but still put a smile on and attended my cousins baby showers/gender reveals ect. Just told myself my time will come and it has. If it will affect you that bad unfortunately you'll have to cancel yourself. You can't expect people to revolve things around you as that's not how life works

They’re on maternity leave and possibly still exclusively breast-feeding. If they’re invited, their babies have to be.

@OriginalShutters

And then they should sit the Christmas lunch out then if they cannot attend a WORK function without their breast fed baby.

Only on MN would babies be expected to attend a work night out 😂

@Ellsx6

A baby shower is completely different to a work function. Nobody expects to attend their WORK Christmas lunch and it's like a baby sensory class, Jesus wept

Why? In my case (summer babies) DDs were 4 months and 6 months respectively. It was a lovely chance to see and socialise with people from work, but I couldn't have gone without them at that point. 12 months mat leave is a long time without contact otherwise, and it may sound frivolous but I found opportunities such as that hugely helpful with the transition to my return to work. Luckily my employer was enlightened enough to go with it.

You know you're in the minority on this, right?

A Christmas PARTY at night? no I wouldn't expect kids to be there.
A daytime Christmas LUNCH with 3 members of staff from a small team of 12 on maternity leave? Absolutely they should be invited and, as their colleague, I'd be happy to see them and their babies.

This is totally normal. The mums will probably leave after the meal then everyone else who wants to can continue on with the festivities.

I completely empathise and well recall friends calling, excited they were 12 weeks pregnant, 30ish years ago and congratulating them brightly ad the tears streamed.

However, this is work, people on mat leave are entitled to keep in touch and bring their babies to meet the teams. I am afraid you have to deal with your feelings and put on a front. You certainly do not discuss this with your boss and say it makes you feel awkward. It's one of those times when you have to put on your big girl pants and deal with being awkward. If you can't deal with it, you can take a justified "non work relates stress and anxiety" sick day, but you don't breathe a word of the real reason to anyone.

I wonder if some therapy would be helpful to get you through having to deal with infertility and very much hope that come next Christmas or even the one after you might be on mat leave.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've been there and found it so incredibly tough when friends had babies, I didn't want to be jealous or resentful but infertility brings you to some dark and low places.
However, it is important to work on separating your problems from their realities. Unfortunately your personal problems do not dictate invites to a work party. Put yourself in their shoes, when the day comes that you have your much longed for baby I'm sure you will be inseparable from baby just as much as these ladies are.

And do I have a leg to stand on when raising this at work?
You’ve already spoken to your boss, please don’t raise it again, op.
Your upset may be understandable; expecting your colleagues not to attend to make you feel less uncomfortable certainly isn’t.
You can expect to be dealt with a bit more robustly if you insist on pushing for this.