Sad about starting IVF - help!

[JuniperandI]

Hello

So after 2 1/2 years TTC with at least 5 early losses, we're starting IVF early next year. My baseline scan and bloods are booked in for the middle of December.

I'm so sad about it. I feel like I've lost a part of myself during this journey and I'm worried about what'll happen during IVF. I'm scared for our future (IVF feels like last chance saloon) and I'm just upset in general.

Did anyone else feel like this? Did you overcome it? If so, how?

Hi @JuniperandI I felt the same. I felt like we were finally admitting there was a problem even though we had been on the waitlist etc it had felt very abstract and then when we started reality hit.

The way I dealt was I allowed myself to cry and feel sad. Me and my husband had a really gritty conversation about how many rounds and many years we are willing to dedicate to this and let it take over. We also tried to book little nice activities to try and help it not be the only ‘thing’ even though it is hard!

I wish you the very best of luck xxx

@JuniperandI a lot of people feel like this. I remember having a full on tantrum "this isn't how I want to have my baby". On the first day in the waiting room I nearly walked out again. The first injection was hard.

What helped me was knowing others who had gone through it - so if you don't know anyone in person you could join a thread on here (with caution - for as long as it is useful for you - these things can go either way and become too much sometimes).

But to be honest once you start you just get swept up in the process.

I have 2 kids aged 5 and 1 from IVF so miserable tho it is, it is also incredible. And despite all the meds and procedures it is still ultimately natural - an egg and a sperm and a uterus.

It is awful and wonderful all in one. After all these years you have finally arrived with the people who can (hopefully) help. Best of luck xxx

@JuniperandI I'm so sorry for your losses ❤️

Hello @JuniperandI , I recognise this. I felt the same when we started. It wasn’t the way I wanted to go about conceiving my baby.

But, although it was tough and gruelling, there were some real moments of (almost) magic. When I saw the photos of the embryos. When the embryo was transferred and I walked out of the clinic feeling like I was carrying something so special in me. Yes, there were other shit moments, but there are special parts of the process unique to IVF.

I would also remind myself that (shit although IVF is) I am lucky to live in a time and place where it is available to me. That helped me reframe some of my upset.

All the best of luck x

My best mate had IVF after several years trying, she was successful first go, then went on to have her second child naturally conceived on cycle 2!

Thanks everyone, you've made me feel less alone ❤

I always felt that IVF was something that was quite rare and only celebrities did it. We knew no one with fertility issues, only us. When we were told we would need ICSI, I was so shocked when we sat in the fertility clinic waiting room. The amount of women and men (like us) waiting and coming and going astounded me! I immediately felt like it wasn't this mystical thing after all and it was actually quite normal.

Best of luck.

@Puppupandaway we've been told we need ICSI too (ours is both male and female factor infertility). I've also been told that our chances are slim even with IVF but I figure we've got to give it a go!

100% agree. We needed icsi due to my pcos and my dh's poor sperm quality. We had success first time! Never lose hope, wishing you all the luck in the world xx

We were given a 5% chance of having our baby and he's here. That's not to say we didn't take those odds seriously. But we did get there anyway. We were in the lucky 5% for some things and the unlucky 5% for others.

We also did ICSI. I've never thought about it that much before but this thread has made me reflect how amazing it is that someone literally picked the sperm that made my children. And they could have picked a different one and we'd have different people in our family. The whole thing is mind blowing.

As @SagittariusUprising said, yes it is hard to have to go through it but also amazing to be able to have this treatment. All these trained skilled professionals there for us - to make this happen for us. You are more than allowed to feel upset that you've had such a tough road. Of course you are. But if you can let yourself believe it might work (and believe me, I do know how hard that is) then it could be a bit exciting too x

I feel for you OP and I'm sorry for your losses We TTC 12yrs, no cause for sub-fertility found and I lost 3 pregnancies. We did several rounds of IVF. The last we had ICSI. By then, DH was late 40's, and on the day, he was at the start of getting a viral cold/flu thing.

The way I got through, was thinking of the positives. Yes, I realise this sounds odd. I saw IVF as a chance, rather than a last stop! Some positives I thought about:
-I lived in a modern country with free health facilities, had the opportunity for IVF, ultrasounds etc
-I had a chance to keep trying. I hadn't had a hysterectomy/life limiting illness or some other reason I might not be able to conceive and have my own children
-DH and I had our health, and my losses were mainly before I showed and had told many people.

In the end, we have no living children. I did look into donor eggs for a time. DH and I have a great life. It can exist, even without living, biological children. I haven't discounted adoption/fostering in future, but at the moment, we are very happy and fulfilled. Since childhood, I thought my life would include marriage, 2 children, a house etc. Yes, my life doesn't have the children, but is no less fulfilled and happy. I obviously hope you do get the children you want, but know that in some cases, it just doesn't happen.

Just remember OP, that this isn't your fault and your are not alone. Happy to answer any questions you might have x

@Puppupandaway exact same with us! I have PCOS and he has low morphology.

I'm thankful that we're in a position where we can do private IVF (I have rock bottom AMH so the NHS wouldn't accept me anyway)

@JC03745 thank you for your honesty. We have a great life too, and we know that if we end up spending our lives seeing the world and living for us instead of having kids we'll be ok ❤

@Janefx40 I'm kind of excited to hear about the science-y parts to be honest. It's so fascinating. Like I said it's not how I'd have wanted it but we have a few amazing fertility centres in our city, one of which a friend has had success with with PCOS and male infertility so I have some hope! It's lovely to hear you've had success.

Hello,

I am totally with you in everything you’ve said about the way you felt. Everyone was falling pregnant around us and it felt so emotionally draining to put a smile on my face when I was hoping and hoping it was me that was pregnant. We had all the tests and nothing could be found as an issue and we were classed as unexplained.

I am replying to you with a slightly different angle. I’ve just had two failed NHS cycles. 1 x IVF: 11 retrieved eggs, 6 mature and 0 fertilised. 1 x ICSI: 5 retrieved eggs, 4 mature and 4 fertilised. 1 made it to blastocyst and was transferred but it didn’t stick.

IVF is such a gruelling and difficult time and I’m more than happy to talk to you through your process as I felt very alone during mine. The way I decided to look at it was like a ‘path/road’ (not a journey - I hate that haha). Just a path. The path we needed to take. Everyone has their own paths and this was ours. This was I kind of envisaged speed bumps, the many many hurdles you have before you’re anywhere near a pregnancy test. Getting over these speed numbs needed celebrating in a small way or else I wouldn’t have got through it without celebrating those small wins. You must keep in mind that many things can stop things small wins and try to not have too high expectations. I’m just trying to be honest and upfront with you.

We have just signed up for two further private paid for cycles and I’m feeling reluctant to feel anything but possible failure yet again. I’m more than happy to chat you through anything you need though xxx