How to cope mentally with TTC

[SavingNotSpending]

TTC for baby #2 now for a year, in that time have had 2 miscarriages (8 weeks and 6 weeks). My period was 2 days late, and after days of getting my hopes up and then BFNs it arrived this morning and I’m feeling very sorry for myself.

I’m finding the whole thing so stressful. I desperately want another baby and I feel like we’re trying everything - supplements, tests, ovulation tracking, preseed, cutting out drinking, eating healthily etc etc - and it’s just not happening.

If you are, or have been, in the same boat what has helped you to cope with the stress? I’m looking into fertility massage and everything I read says to try and avoid stress, but all that does is make me feel stressed about the fact I’m stressed!

Sorry you’re going through this, we were TTC our 2nd for the same amount of time and I found it very tough mentally.
I think all the things you’re doing to increase your chances are great but cutting out drinking and eating well generally helps mental health - but don’t deny yourself a bit of chocolate or glass of wine if it’s a relaxing treat though.
What I found helped was making plans I wouldn’t be able to do whilst pregnant or as easily with a newborn. That will be totally personal to you but I visited a friend abroad solo, started doing couch25k again even though I was already half heartedly running - it was just good to see myself getting better and into a routine! And trained for a “challenge walk”.
It helped me feel like me, and proud of myself - I was started to get cross with my body for not doing what I wanted to and my only goal was TTC so when you get monthly BFN’s it just makes you feel like a failure.
So maybe planning something that reduces stress whilst also making you feel positive about yourself, your body and your life how is now.
I really hope things go well for you xxx

Thank you for replying, it’s a really tough time isn’t it. Focusing on something like exercise is a good idea, I’m not into anything like that usually but I have been looking at some apps advertised on insta recently that look good.

I know what you mean with the glass of wine/chocolate too. I realised the other day that when I conceived the first baby I later lost, I actually hadn’t cut out anything as we’d only just decided to start trying again and I’d had a heavy few weeks of nights out and drinking for a friends birthday. So logically I know having the odd drink isn’t the be all and end all, but it’s so hard to tell my stressed out brain that! X

@SavingNotSpending I am really sorry you have suffered losses :(

TTC #1 for over a year now. Not a single positive test. The only thing that I find helps me is keeping busy. Going for a run, clearing out my wardrobe, baking.. just anything to avoid thinking. Since you have a DC already I am sure you are very busy anyway so not sure how helpful my comment is 😅

I feel you when you say trying not to stress is stressful. I am super conscious about that as I’ve suffered from anxiety in the past and I am making a big effort to stay positive 🫠

I’m really sorry to hear of your losses and that you are feeling stressed TTC. I am TTC baby #1, and have been three years. It’s difficult. What may help you is going to the DR if you haven’t been already. See if you can get some bloods done to check
your hormone levels. As well as this, when doing your ovulation tests, you may be able to ask your doctor for a day 21 blood test to see if you are definitely ovulating (some GPs may be reluctant to do this but I’ve know some to do it once or twice). It might be helpful to approach a fertility clinic and maybe just look at some baseline scans to check your ovaries, AMH and thyroid. Create do this for around £250-£300. This may give you an indication of where your body is at. The frustrating thing about this is everything can come back looking picture perfect and still nothing is happening. Everything else that you’re doing sounds great. Stay hopeful. I hope you get your much longer for number 2 soon xx

Hiya @SavingNotSpending sending you huge hugs! I am in almost exactly the same position as you, TTC no 2, for not quite a year but had two miscarriages, one v drawn out and resulting in surgery... It's really tough, and I totally get how you are feeling.

Thank you to everyone who has posted advise so far! Exercise (running for me, but do whatever you enjoy, no point otherwise!) really helps, and as pp said just making fun/exciting plans for the next few weeks/months - social stuff, weekend breaks, whatever you enjoy doing, it distracts the mind.

Also just talking really helps me, to friends and family, my husband, and not bottling it all up... Acknowledging how hard and relentless it all is, and not beating yourself up for feeling down (I know easier said than done). It's fricking tough, and we are all super women!

Thank you for replying, trying to focus on other stuff does help a bit doesn’t it. I’m also trying to stay positive but sometimes I feel like Ross in friends when he’s like “I’M FINE” 😅

Thank you, I had some tests after my second loss and they’ve identified some minor issues that can be managed next time I’m pregnant which is positive. As you say though it’s sometimes harder when you’re doing everything exactly by the book and still nothing is happening! X

Sorry to hear you’re in the same position as me. Mine were the same, one very long drawn out one, needed surgery and it took 2 months to be fully completed, then one textbook “normal” one. It’s heartbreaking isn’t it.

Thank you for the suggestions too. I think you’re right about acknowledging it too, rather than always putting on a brave face. My friends don’t really get it and so they either say things that although are well meaning, are unintentionally not very sensitive (eg well at least you know you can get pregnant / last time just wasn’t the right timing, things happen for a reason). Or they just don’t talk about it at all. It definitely helps to talk about it sometimes xx

Also, it’s a shit boat to be in but I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. Sending you all baby dust and a big hug xxx

Sounds so similar to me... My drawn out miscarriage took 2 months and I was pregnant for just over 2 months before that. That one was conceived immediately after my first one. So I was pregnant or miscarrying for about 5/6 months on the bounce this year... all for nothing, and took a huge toll on my body and emotionally. And then back to square 1! Even just typing that out I'm like 'wow, no wonder I feel down sometimes!'. You must feel the same.

I totally agree re friends etc. And family too, they often don't know what to say. My brother and his wife are about to have a baby (obvs am super happy, but it's also hard) and they have barely said anything about it to me (other than 'so sorry' etc. when it happened), and we're super close. It hurts. Talk to others who know. One of my besties is amazing and I've also a local NCT Mum friend (from my group from when I had my daughter) who had a horrid one before her daughter and we've talked a lot. Just talking it all through etc. Someone to voicenote/msg/have a tea with when you're feeling a bit bleugh.

My inbox is always open btw, lemme know if you want to chat.

I'm currently in my TWW this month but not feeling too hopeful after nothing last month (first cycle following all the crap).

Sending hugs and baby dust to all x

Yeah it sounds like we’ve had really similar experiences! I’m sorry that your brother hasn’t been more supportive, I found that after the first one I had lots of kind messages and empathy but after the second it was almost like people didn’t know what else to say. We’re in the same boat there too my SIL recently had a baby, and as happy as I am for them it’s really hard not to feel jealous as our due dates were the same week.

I’ll drop you a message xx

I know this is super late but I just saw this thread and it really resonated! I wanted to see how things have gone for you since then? Did anything progress?

I had one miscarriage, then I had my son a month early and a dangerous pregnancy where I developed preeclampsia pretty bad towards the end, and since we've been trying for #2 we had a lot of months with nothing, then a MMC that we didn't find out about until 12 weeks, and now I'm pregnant again. I have light symptoms but nothing major, just sore boobs and I'm exhausted. I have my first scan in a couple of days but I've convinced myself there won't be any sort of heartbeat and not to get excited.

It's so tough trying to stay positive! And when you already have a wonderful little one there's this weird added guilt where you should be happy, but you want more and a sibling for them, but they should be enough, but you know you want to keep trying. UGH. It's a lot.

Anyways! I'm really hoping everything has gone well for everyone in this thread! Like I said, I know it's super late but would love to hear what's happened. Sending lots of thoughts of your ways.

Hi! I’m so sorry for your losses ❤️ How are you feeling in your current pregnancy now? I hope things are all going ok!

I am also pregnant, in my second trimester now rapidly heading towards the third! It’s been an anxious, complicated pregnancy but we’re obviously over the moon x

I honestly think if you have been trying for a year or more then its time to talk to a fertility doctor. You might just need a bit of a hand with your fertility not saying you need to jump right in to ivf but maybe running a few tests to make sure everything is working as it should.

Sorry I didn't realise this was an older thread. How are things going now?

I commented twice before seeing this update. I don't know how to delete comments so I apologise. But that's great news about the pregnancy. Sorry it hasn't been easy.