Feeling broken

[Familyfirst12]

Just that really, it's the only way I can describe it. Coming up to a year of trying, we are both relatively young, fit & healthy. I have done everything I can think of - Metformin to try and regulate my cycles (it hasn't)
Myo Inositol for my (mild) PCOS
DH taking Impryl
I track with OPK's and BBT
All the signs are there that I ovulate and we hit the right days but it just isn't happening. I am driving myself mad and it is all consuming. I am aware of the 'stop trying so hard and it will probably happen' thing and I am close to just stopping everything but DH feels that we will be going backwards which I understand. We are with a fertility clinic who have done tests - DH sperm looks good, my tests are all relatively good bar some signs of mild PCOS. I think they are going to give me Letrozole tomorrow and refer us for IVF which could then happen in around 4 months.
I literally have no idea where to go from here - IVF terrifies me because I feel that if that doesn't work we have exhausted all of our options. My life is on hold, I can't focus on work and I feel like a pretty shit wife who is constantly sobbing or snapping at someone. I am just SO exhausted by this.

A year is really normal, I’m surprised you’ve done tests etc already. Is it worth having a break from actively trying, I know there’s no science behind it but it’s worked for so many people I know. And use that time to reconnect as a couple, do some fun things, maybe have a holiday, shift the focus?

I know that everything you read says that a year is normal, but when you're in it, it feels like such a long time when you're living your life in 2 week blocks. I'm sure that having a break from trying would be great but right now I just don't feel that I can 'switch it off'

I know this won't give you much hope as it's only anecdotal..

But a very good friend of mine (both were young, fit, healthy) tried for a year. They then went through the local IVF scheme. It unfortunately didn't work out and they couldn't afford to pay for any more. She has told me that it almost killed their marriage and turned sex into something that had to be planned which took the joy out of it and she questioned whether or not she wanted to be with him. After IVF didn't work out they (and I know this won't bring you joy) stopped doing anything that involved planning. They Lived their lives , went on holidays etc and forgot about it . I don't know how or why it happened at this place but it did for them. My friend is highly anxious and we live in London so this advice was from the zita west fertility clinic but either way., taking the pressure off and trying my to live as normal a life as possible ) I know how hard that is) seems to be a repaying factor

Try not to stress. A year isn't that long ( even though I know it feels like an eternity ) I wouldn't be concerned that you can't achieve a pregnancy naturally.
I have severe pcos and dh has sperm issues. Currently holding my 2 month old.
Took us 18 years in total but he's definitely worth the wait. Due to covid delays , We had a 5 year waiting list getting from gp to gynae and alot of faffing back and forth before we got sent to fertility clinic.
I did metformin and clomid and somewhere along the line I did fall pregnant naturally but miscarried. We then decided to pursue ivf since we're not getting any younger. DH is 40 and im 38 and given his sperm issue we were advised it might be best option to have icsi.We only had 1 cycle funded . Worked first try. There's options out there , try to stay postive. The one thing that kept me going was hope. If pcos is the only issue then it's usually easily treated but it's just about finding the right treatment approach

I have pcos and it can be about finding the right treatment approach

Im on metformin and myo inostol

2 Letrozole cycles didnt work

On our 3rd - but - took pregnacare 4 calendar month of August ( the only change)
And it delayed ovulation..

We did concieve naturally in the past but early miscarriage.

It is hard
Someones its good to do a cycle without testing
( without ov sticks, )

After our miscarriage - gynae advised us to relax on a hol

The hol to tenerife didnt get us a pos result...

Have they flushed your tubes?

Our consultant wants to flush my tubes if 3rd Letrozole doesnt work..

Keep your head up..

My fertility consultant talked about b12 in my last appt.
Good b12 - feretin and vit d
Levels
Are all often important

Have you hqd
Thyroid
Prolactin
B12
Feretin
Vit d

All checked ?

With pcos - its often good to take daily vit d

Tommys baby charity can be good to talk to

OP I'm sorry your pain is bring minimised on here - research shows the mental health impact of TTC for 12 months without success is worse than a diagnosis of cancer or HIV. Your distress is valid.
Allow yourself to grieve, because that's what it is, persistent grief to an ongoing problem that society says isn't real.
Lean in to the IVF if that's what your doctors are offering. Screw the anecdotes, you are not to blame for where you are now by trying too hard/thinking about it too much/not going on holiday.

Hey @Familyfirst12 we have chatted on my other thread before ❤️

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. I'm at the year mark too, and yes, it can be normal for it to take a year but we both know the stats for longer than a year aren't particularly hopeful and I know exactly how you feel.

It's been the longest year of my life and I didn't know it was possible to suffer so much disappointment and heartbreak simply by something NOT happening. I also feel it is consuming my life, but the only thing I want is to be pregnant so the idea of stopping trying even temporarily, seems even crazier than carrying on.

The only advice I would have is to embrace IVF, I started out not wanting to have it, terrified I would need to, embarrassed it would mean I had failed. Now I feel differently. It is simply another means of help available, and the success rates over a few cycles really are very good. The thought that IVF will also fail is terrifying I admit, and if we reach a point where pregnancy is absolutely never a possibility I'm really not sure what I will do or how I will take it. It's a very scary thought that I don't often allow myself to become consumed by. But I feel the regret of not trying everything and still ending with no baby will be worse.

Sending you a hand hold, and I want you to know you are not alone x

Theres a 300 gbp test that screen me do that might be worth considering
( nhs dont offer it )

Thyroid is a big one - your TSH needs to be under 2.5 ideally to be able to conceive (no matter what a GP or the NHS app tell you is ‘normal’)

Get this checked ASAP X

I rate the book ' it starts with an egg '

Exactly this

NHS should test it 4 you

Also worth paying private for - to get done faster if needed / option

Thank you so much for your kind messages, it really has helped. Some days I am okay, others I just feel awful, and cannot believe that this is actually our reality. I have been prescribed Letrozole today and am coincidentally on CD2 which is when it needs to be started so I will take that tonight and for the next 4 days. I think DH and I are committing to 3 cycles of this and then we will ask our clinic to proceed with our referral for IVF (takes 3 - 4 months for approval). This means we will be walking through the door to start IVF in 7 months should nothing change.
I have had everything tested with bloods which has been marked as 'normal', although TSH was 3.27. Tubes clear, semen analysis good.
I'm praying that the Letrozole works some magic but we will see, I'm also trying not to get my hopes up. Thanks again everyone, there are some really kind people on here x

I would ask for your t s h
To be tested again

Sending you all the luck

Although that’s classed as normal, it’s not optimal for a woman trying to conceive. It needs to be under 2.5 for you to conceive. It really infuriates me that even some fertility clinics say that’s fine above that when it isn’t! My NHS nurse at a recurrent miscarriage clinic told me my TSH was ‘fine’ at 4.6 and when I paid to see a specialist to look at everything, he was horrified. He prescribed me levothyroxine straight away and within 2 months of my levels coming down, I was pregnant. This was after 18 months of trying with no success.

Please don’t settle for anyone telling you anything over 2.5 is fine.

Hi OP - I really feel your pain, I’ve been there. Our first took 18 months to conceive and I thought thyroxine was what helped - my TSH was just at the threshold around 4, but ideally it needs to be nearer to 1, certainly under 2.5 so I would seriously look into this. I had one chemical in that time but that was it until a few months after starting thyroid medication. However I also started acupuncture at the same time, so did that work too? Who knows.

I thought we had found the ‘fix’ to our fertility problems so excitedly started trying for number 2, and by 6 months of nothing (despite a TSH which was near 1 and every other week acupuncture), I was feeling well and truly shit, and sex was awful (poor DH!) We paid for private testing and I have low ovarian reserves and she said I would have been diagnosed with PCOS a few years ago due to my scan and bloods (but low reserves?! I never really got to the bottom of that) I started myo inositol and was about to have my tubes flushed when I got pregnant at 10 months of trying, so hoping for a successful outcome of this pregnancy (nearly due). We were going to go down the treatment route due to my low reserves which sent me into a panic, but they insisted tubes were flushed first, I see you’ve had that so that’s good.

I Just wanted to say your feelings are valid and I feel for you so much. If people haven’t been through it they cannot understand how painful it is to go month after month with nothing. And when friends all seem to fall pregnant easily it stings so much, even though you’re happy for them, so it makes you feel like a horrid person too for having negative feelings.

I really hope it happens for you soon, don’t lose hope if tests are appearing good and just keep going - stopping for a break would have frustrated us more but it’s obviously individual. The only thing that made me feel slightly better was washing down a dirty take away with a bottle of wine the day my period started, then back to eating better the next day. If you haven’t I’d suggest a little something to pick you up on those awful CD1’s. Wishing you so much luck x

Sorry to hear that, I remember those days. Took us 4 years and 2 IVF transfers but we did have our daughter in the end and it is all worth it. The hardest part at the stage you are at is the not knowing if it will work. I think as PP said I would read it starts with the egg and see what you can get to get your TSH levels down in the meantime.

Def ask nhs for help in getting thyroid levels down