TW Abortion / TTC Advice Needed

[Brina89]

I sadly terminated a planned pregnancy in March this year. My reasons were a bit complicated but mostly I was sexually abused as a younger person, which I received counselling for at the time, and felt like I had mostly moved on from. I hadn't had flashbacks for years but about 4 weeks into pregnancy I'd get them every night and wake up having panic attacks. My mental health completely tanked from that point onwards, I felt like I was right back at that time of my life, and I had the surgery at 7 weeks. I was unrecognisable to the person I was just a couple of months before. I didn't expect it at all.

After the surgery, I felt immediate relief.

Since the termination, I contacted the charity that helped me when I was younger and I've been getting counselling. I hope to be strong enough mentally to cope with a pregnancy one day, although I never want to make that decision again, so I'm in no rush. I really want to do the work on myself so I can be the best mum I can be.

I've been told these feelings are common because your body is not 'yours' during pregnancy and, mixed with all the hormones, this can bring up past traumas.

I'm just looking for anyone who's been through something similar and has gone on to TTC and have a successful pregnancy?

I am very ashamed of what I have done, and nobody in my real life knows as I don't feel I can tell them.

I'm so sorry to hear you've gone through that trauma in your past. I haven't been sexually abused, but I did terminate my first pregnancy. I'm sorry I can't give direct advice about overcoming something like that but I did want to reassure you that you did the right thing for yourself and you shouldn't feel ashamed.

It's also good that you are taking the time to receive counselling and work on some of these aspects. I can somewhat relate because the reason I terminated was because I previously never wanted kids. When I saw the positive test, I freaked out because it wasn't something I expected, felt like something 'foreign' was in my body. However, after my termination, I realised there was space in my life for having them and that experience helped me face that decision and understand my feelings. I didn't want to get that 'foreign' feeling again.
What helped me was getting practically involved with my family and friends who had babies, spending time with them to see what it was like and bonding. It then got to the point where I was very very aware of the reality of having kids both good and bad, and I still wanted kids. That solved the issue for me, as I was no longer in two minds.

I don't know what this practical help could look like for you, but it helped me because it felt like 'practice'. Maybe it's a direction you could look into.

Being pregnant does feel different but your body is still your own. Your body just creates the shelter to house and grow another, rather than 'invaded' by another. How does the idea of 'housing' and 'growing' feel to you? Perhaps if you can get to a point where you think of it that way instead of that invaded perspective, then you know you've made the necessary progress. Which I fully believe you are capable of.

@Plumchumm thanks so much for replying. I'm trying to come to terms with how I could want something so much and then have that reaction, and then end it. Feels like I don't even know myself! I hope counselling will help with that.

Sorry to hear about your termination ❤️ yes, maybe seeing the reality of having a child will help me.

Did you have a successful pregnancy and birth?

I have this horrible feeling that something will go wrong because of 'karma' which my rational mind knows is ridiculous, but almost like I'll be punished :(

Can you get a referral to a specialist psycho-sexual counsellor? Mine was attached to a hospital GUM unit.

CBT never helped me. Specialist counselling did.

I'm still not 'cured' after many years but I am much better than I was.

Good luck.

@Itdoesntendwellatall yes, my current counsellor specialises in this and I'm hoping I can at least learn how to cope in those dark moments that caught me so off guard in pregnancy. I would love a family. I'm so disappointed in myself, now the relief has worn off.

I'm pleased counselling helped you. And thank you ❤️

How are you feeling now?

I hope the lingering sense of shame you were feeling has gone or at least diminished.

My hormones have ruled my emotions all my life and not in a good way. Prozac helped me cope with PMDD and PND.

I was allowed to continue taking Prozac throughout my pregnancy as I was at risk of suicide.

I hope you're feeling better, have found good help and support but if you haven't, maybe you could see someone about exploring medication that could help.

Good luck.

Hey @Itdoesntendwellatall 👋

Yes, the impact and power of hormones on mental health is terrifying.

I'm glad your medication helps you. Sorry to hear of your struggles too.

That will be my next step. I have started counselling and I'm beginning to feel better and more at peace with things. If this happened to my friend, I wouldn't want them to feel any shame and would have empathy. I'm trying to be my own friend.

Apparently my experience is not unique. Pregnancy and birth can bring up old traumas as some people feel very out of control. That's how I felt. I'd never have planned a pregnancy to end it. I would never have known or expected to feel the way I did and it completely floored me.

My sadness is that I hope to have a family one day but I'm just not sure I will get a handle on my mental health 😢 I hope so though!