Struggling after miscarriage

[KP2404]

Hello,

I’m not usually one to reach out and I’m not the best at discussing my emotions but I’m at my wits end.

My boyfriend and I have been ttc since August 2023. We conceived in March but unfortunately lost our baby at 6+2 in mid April. We started trying again in June, and my period has arrived today on my 2nd cycle since our loss 😔

It’s not that my boyfriend isn’t supportive or doesn’t understand me, he’s done nothing but support me. I’m just seriously struggling with the negative tests again, I just want to lay in bed and cry or stuff my face… and he tells me not to be sad, and it’ll happen when it’s meant to. We’re polar opposites, he’s very much optimistic, glass-half-full, no fucks given, takes life as it comes. I’m an anxious overthinker who plans everything to the last detail and likes my routines. Our dynamic has always worked for us, we balance each other out and he keeps me sane😂.

That being said, I think I need to speak to someone who is feeling or has felt the way I am. I feel like it’s my body that is letting us down all the time, and just have this feeling that it’s not going to happen for us. I’m probably slightly depressed🤣. I don’t want to stop trying but I’m not sure how much longer I can go on like this either.

Does anyone know any good support groups or social media accounts that could help me? I really need some support and nobody I know is going through this.

thank you x

Hey, sounds like you are going through a tough time, I had a very early miscarriage last year but haven't tried again so can't imagine what you are going through. Not sure about groups but I sometimes search for certain threads and read what others put in similar situations and that sometimes helps. This will sound stupid and prob diminishes your sadness sorry if it does but the sheer force of your sadness is testimony to your depth of feeling and how much you want a child, you should be applauded for that and is your power as a woman. Take some time out and not try for a few weeks, take walks, enjoy nature, be kind to yourself, eat and drink and nourish yourself. After a few weeks try again and believe in your power. X

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this. I know how it feels. We've been trying since November 2023 with a MMC at 10.5weeks in feb and failing to conceive again since. I think the podcasts from the worst girl gang ever can be helpful to listen to. I've also found it helpful reading through threads on here. I think self care is also really important, be kind to yourself, do things that make you feel better, write down your thoughts, eat nice food, exercise and get outside etc.

I’m sorry for your loss @KP2404
You and your DP sound exactly like me & mine! It can be a bit frustrating when they are looking on the bright side but you’re in a dark hole.
I’ve been TTC since July 2023 with 2 losses in that time. When I was discharged from the EPU they gave me a phone number to call for a gynaecology counsellor. Perhaps your local EPU might have one to reach out to?
I find writing on here also helps, just feel less alone talking to others who have been through it. It’s a really horrible & difficult time, so sending you a big hug

I had an ectopic pregnancy in 2022 and it was so tough, so I can feel your pain. My husband is very supportive, but did say some clumsy things like "we'll just try again" (the day we found out) and "everything happens for a reason" etc. I also felt like after a month or so I didn't want him to see me crying about it anymore, as though I should be moving on.

I found periods triggering because not only does it mean you haven't conceived, but it's a reminder of the loss you endured.

I found a great Instagram page called "the worst girl gang ever" and they post all about loss. They also have a podcast that I found helpful to listen to, because other people were putting into words exactly how I felt.

It gets better with time, and I wish you luck with your journey x

I had a MC at 11 weeks last year, I struggled so much. I'd also recommend the social media accounts and podcasts from "the worst girl gang ever". I had some private counselling with a counsellor who specialised in fertility/miscarriage's, it was the best decision I made, it helped me so much. Particularly you need to get some support in addressing your thoughts that your body is failing you - it's not. I did counselling on my own but couples counselling is another option. Having your partner telling you not to be sad is not helpful, you are totally entitled to be sad. It's very common to take a while to get pregnant after a MC, any pregnancy affects your body. It took us 5 months, longer than getting pregnant first time. I never tested until my period was late, to avoid seeing negative test! Tommy's website is good as well.

I'm so sorry for your loss - me and my DP sound so similar to your relationship! I echo what others have said about the Worst Girl Gang Ever. It's a really supportive, understanding community. I've found that even talking to female friends who haven't had miscarriages or who even don't want kids, they've been more understanding than my DP about why I'm so emotionally exhausted etc after my losses - I think it's really hard for our male partners to understand what happens to the female body every month, let alone the crazy hormone shifts etc after loss!

It does get easier with time - as it takes me quite a long time to get pregnant each time, I don't test now until after my period is due which helps (seeing negative tests always hurt more than my period arriving). I also understand the feeling like your body is failing, but please don't think of it that way - your body has done nothing wrong, miscarriages unfortunately happen, but they are nobody's fault.

I also had counselling after each loss (unfortunately I've had loss no.3 in May so I'm back in therapy again) and it really helps to talk things over free of judgement or anyone who is trying to be helpful but could easily put their foot in it!

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I can very much relate to this despair. I've had 4 known early miscarriages, 3 of them were chemicals and the last one was a missed miscarriage, as in it stopped growing at 5 weeks and 3 days and my body took a long time to realise it. The embryo itself died long before that, but the sac continued to grow.

I'm over 2 years into this journey and there have been many nights where I've cried myself to sleep or have sat on the toilet or laid in the bath and have cried. It's a horrible thing to go through, especially when there is an announcement at work about someone going on maternity leave. In the time it took for me to lose 3 pregnancies, 2 women at work got pregnant and went on maternity leave and neither of them came back. It's all so lovely for them, but so lonely and sad for us.

There were a few months where I couldn't stand seeing baby bumps, newborns and small children which meant simple trips to the supermarket were an ordeal. I then slowly developed a somewhat unhealthy coping mechanism and would say (only in my head) some seriously nasty things about parents, expectant or otherwise.

I don't really do social media, so I can't help there. How old are you both? If you don't mind me asking. You might be eligible to have fertility testing for both of you to see if there is anything that might be stopping you from getting pregnant.

As PP have said it does get better with time, you sort of become numb to it. Like a cut that scars over. You also become jaded. You have hope, but you adopt a sort of 'que sera, sera' attitude. The letdowns every month and the pile of negative tests become part of the furniture, so to speak. It gets to the point where you continue trying until you can't anymore for the sake of ensuring you don't have regrets or what ifs. Even if you don't get what you want, you will gradually feel a sense of peace.

One thing that I think is so important and cannot be stressed enough; Never give up.

@VolvoFan feels like we're in a very similar place mentally! I've been ttc for 4.5 years, plus a 2.5 year gap in the middle. You just get into a sort of weird routine where you have to keep going so it doesn't feel like it's all been for nothing...

Thank you for taking the time to reply. That’s a really lovely way to look at things and doesn’t diminish my sadness at all ♥️
You’re definitely right, I need to look after myself more. I’ve been so hard on myself lately.

thank you so much x

Thank you and I’m so sorry for your loss too♥️. Journalling might be a good idea actually, I used to do that a lot when I was younger and not sure why I stopped!
Hoping you get your rainbow baby very soon x

It’s so difficult. I know he’s trying to be helpful but sometimes it’s the opposite😅.

I didn’t have a great experience with the EPU I was sent to. In the end they just sent me away with some leaflets and the dreaded “you’re young, you can try again” 😞 I may look into private councilling.

thank you for replying x

I can't recommend anyone or anything because I'm old and my experience was more than 20 years ago but I will share it. It may or may not help. One in four of all pregnancies ends in miscarriage sadly, so you are far from alone, but nobody talks about it.

I went through 3.5 years of infertility/testing etc etc. I had an HSG and was told that one tube was fully blocked and one partially. I was in despair. A couple of months later, a hysteroscopy showed that the force of the dye had unblocked both tubes and I literally got pregnant within days!!

Fast forward, I had two DC and wanted a 3rd. By this stage, I was 37. I got pregnant but had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I think I'd conceived something like the 3rd cycle of trying that time. 7 months later, when I was 38, I conceived again only to suffer a missed miscarriage at 11 weeks. There had been a heartbeat on the scan at 8 weeks.

Now you are probably a lot younger than I was, and it's more than likely it was just 'bad luck' - it happens so often. But at my age, my chances were running out and my obs put me on progesterone and 75mg asprin when I conceived again, just before my 40th birthday, and that pregnancy was successful. My DC3 is coming 21!

At the time I was on another parenting forum, and there were other would-be mums going through the same and it helped to chat to them. From what I remember, we all went on to have a baby!

When I had my second mc, a consultant told me that it was not that unusual to have two mcs in a row, which as you can imagine didn't actually comfort me, but you know, you can get pregnant, and you can try again and hopefully that will be the baby you were meant to have. I have always felt that my DC3 was the child I was meant to have, and he healed my hurt.

In the end, I waited one month after my missed mc to try again, and who would have thought it, I got pregnant the first month I tried. I was post-menopausal by the time I was 45 as well!!

Don't be too despondent. There's still every chance you will get your little one xx

PS it's not the same for men as it is for us, because it hasn't happened to their body! They may try to be supportive, and obviously they are grieving, but we are the ones going through the physical stuff x

Oh my god, that sounds so similar.

My partner said exactly the same to me the day we lost ours. My heart sunk then and it sinks every time he says it. I think it’s his coping mechanism though. And yes! I’ve tried so hard to be strong for his benefit because I don’t want him seeing me so down about it, especially when he seems ok. I’m glad he’s ok, I’m just not sure HOW he’s so ok when I’m not.

And thank you for saying you’ve been triggered by your periods.. I thought I was going insane, mine have been so distressing and it’s not like I haven’t been having them for 15 years! I thought I was losing my marbles.

Thank you for replying, and the instagram recommendation. I’ll try it out x

Ahh I’m so glad to read that you’ve fallen pregnant again, congratulations♥️. It’s hope for me because right now it feels like it’s never going to happen.

I do my best not to test early, but sometimes it gets the better of me 😅

Thank you for replying x

Thank you so much for your reply.

I’m at the point where baby bumps are effecting me too. I came back to work from being off when I miscarried and my manager announced she was pregnant😭😭. We would have been due the same week and every time I look at her now she just reminds me of how far along I should be too. It’s breaking me.

I’m 29 and my partner is 32. The funny thing is, I actually paid for fertility testing (because I’m a worrier and convinced myself there was something wrong because it was taking a while for us to conceive) and while we were waiting for results was when I found out I was pregnant for this first time😂. The results all came back normal.

I hope your little miracle comes soon ♥️

Thank you so much, this gives me so much hope♥️.

I’m still early in this journey compared to some so part of me feels awful for even “complaining” in the first place but it’s been nice to hear from so many lovely ladies who feel similar and have similar experiences. I wish I was one of these girls who had multiple girl friends but to be honest, that’s never been me. I don’t really have friends.

My Mum always told me if it were men that had to have periods and grow babies then humanity would cease to exist🤣. I think she might be right x

Honestly, if you had lots of girl friends, they might not have confided in you. It's something that a lot of women don't seem to share - I think it's too painful. I don't know how you don't have friends, because you sound lovely!

Don't feel awful at all - that was your little baby that you had so many hopes and dreams for! It's heartbreaking, I know! Been there!

My sister was pregnant at the same time as one of my lost babies was due. She didn't want to be pregnant, but I did. She was in denial and I was grieving. Our kids are all adults now, so we've moved on. Hope it all works out for you - I am pretty sure it will! xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. I've just had an ectopic pregnancy and the loss is heartbreaking. You aren't alone❤️ another vote for the worst girl gang ever podcasts and I like to read when things get a bit too much. Having little things to look forward to has helped but also taking each day at a time and allowing yourself to feel what you need to. Be kind to yourself x