Regret and some resentment about not TTC sooner

[eighteenth18]

Regular poster but name changed for a rant.

Does anyone else feel regret at not trying sooner? I’m 32 and have been anxious for years about my fertility, having a gut feeling something wasn’t right - but everyone says “it’ll be fine” “you won’t know until you try”. Several of my friends have got pregnant by accident, none of them took longer than a couple of months. Lo and behold, it hasn’t happened and tests have shown there’s issues that I think will be difficult to overcome. I really want two minimum but I’m scared I won’t even have one.

I felt like I was being selfish or self-centered pushing to have a baby sooner. But now I feel resentful that I didn’t. Like I didn’t put myself first?

I also feel like I just don’t care about working any more, I feel like I should be being a mum and that should be my focus, and I feel kind of angry that it’s not what I’m doing. My point being how it affects your whole life.

My partner is so lovely but I just don’t think experiences any of it the same way? I find it hard to talk about it without getting emotional so I end up avoiding talking about it which I’m sure doesn’t help.

anyway. No advice needed just wondered if anyone feels the same?

You are still young and have plenty of time. What sort of issues have the tests shown?

Having children in your 20s is getting more unusual, at least among all circles I've ever known. Almost treated like a scandal/ not giving a damn about having a career.

Hi, I'm not in the same situation but I do sympathise. How long have you been trying and what have tests shown?
The main thing is you've got the ball rolling now. You will have options I'm sure. Fingers crossed.

As someone who is 35 and struggling to have my first I empathise with a lot of your feelings. But your age is really unlikely to have anything to do with issues you're facing - you're only very mildly less fertile in your early 30s than your late 20s so please don't be hard on yourself! It's a crappy situation wanting a family and not knowing if you'll ever even be a mum. How long have you been trying now?

I agree but fertility does decline in your 30s, and the later you start, the less time you have. If I’d have started mid twenties, or even just a few years ago, it would feel less daunting.

egg quality declines, peri-menopause approaches, NHS fertility treatment criteria age gets closer.

@eighteenth18 Your fertility does not drastically decline in your early 30s - nor is there the rumoured cliff edge at 35. A lot of these ideas are based on old data.

The vast majority in their 30s (including late) will still conceive with no issues. You don't say what issues you've encountered but many can be overcome and a few years will have made negligible difference.

I do understand your fears but in a few years you will look back and realise how young you still were. Don't waste time on regret, you still have it all to play for.

You are self fearmongering!

@eighteenth18 I have to agree wholeheartedly with @sirensong. I had my first at 33, had a MMC at 35 and now 36 I'm pregnant again. I know someone who had her two children mid to late 30s who has just found out she's pregnant with twins at 40 (surprise pregnancy). So although these issues you mentioned do happen, it's not guaranteed. Unless you've had tests that have confirmed you have issues?

We really need to stop putting so much pressure on women like this. Not sure who told you all that, but first of all, not everyone has the chance to meet their long term partner in their 20s. So we dont conceive just for the sake of conceiving, there is a minimum of stability needed, and a good dad for the child.

nothing guarantees that in your 20s you would’ve conceived faster. SO many young girls in their 20s also struggle to conceive hun. My parents took 2 years to conceive me when they were around 25, and it took them under 4 months for my 2 sisters at 30 and 36!! And my dad is older than mum, so he was in his 40s when my youngest sister was born.

i understand you’re feeling down, Im sorry to hear that, but you need to keep a positive mindset- the good news is now you know the issues you have, so now you can find solutions and will receive help to be able to get pregnant 🩵

Yes tests confirm issues. Not saying they wouldn’t have been there when younger but I’d feel I had more time to sort it out or seek treatment etc.
Obviously loads of people conceive later fine or just eventually… but that doesn’t take away from more issues when older and also pressures around eligibility and success of treatment.

agree pressure shouldn’t be on women - my partner has little to no idea about fertility, society leaves it down to us on the whole.
I don’t think it’s always helpful to think on an individual level. Yes “older” women have babies. But that doesn’t negate the fact age does correlate negatively. Egg quality declines, hormones can start going out of whack approaching perimenopause etc. IVF success rates decline with age.
I’ve also always dreamed of 3 children and that seems less likely the more time goes on.

I do feel less down about it today, but also still annoyed at myself.

This is me every day. I want to be a traditional housewife. Not stuck behind a desk talking to people that can barely function.

I started trying at 34 once lockdowns lifted. Low sperm count, so was getting pregnant roughly twice a year, and I miscarried each one. IVF, 5 excellent embryos, 4 never made it to term. One left in the freezer waiting to be put in. I'm now 5 weeks along with a surprise natural pregnancy. I'm now nearly 37. Don't lose hope.

I could have written this myself. I’m almost 32 and have had suspected Endo for many years but was always told that it would probably be fine and to go on the pill.

Now we’re really struggling ttc and I wish we’d started earlier.

I could give you a success story I've had kids and have endo and PCOS.

But I remember trying and those success stories just frustrated me. Comments like to still have plenty of time wound me up. Try to relax it's harder to get pregnant when you are stressed. Grrrr!! But it was true, I lost a lot of weight to get the PCOS under control but it was an accidental pregnancy once my marriage had broken down that made me a mother. I wasn't trying for a baby and wasn't stressed. But how can you choose not to get stressed about trying and just relax? You can't. And you already know it's not impossible it's just a bit harder for you there is no practical advice I can give you that will help. Just know you are not alone and your feelings are valid. And if you can hold onto other's success stories and de stress you will be happier during the wait if nothing else xx

I think a societal wide lie has been told. The notion that every woman can readily conceive in their mid-30s, 20 years after their body started ejecting eggs, 10 years before full blown menopause.

I wish i had children earlier had the stars aligned, not because of fertility issues, but because i can see benefit of dealing with adolescents in 30s when still young, fit and active. Of course some are fit in 40s, but safe to say they are exceptions.

Anyway OP, chances are you'll be fine. Give it at least 6 cycles of trying first.

what’s the point in being annoyed about it? You can’t change it. If you have identified issues; it’s very likely those issues would have been there even if you’d tried years ago. Age can be a factor, but not so much in your early 30s. Don’t allow it to take over your life, and if you’re not married; do not even consider stopping work if you do have a child. You have no formal financial protection if you split. Sounds like some counselling might help you to get a more positive mindset, and focus on the present, make nice plans and keep busy.