TTC Anxiety- how to support your partner

[MissEmily5]

Hi,
Just wondering if anyone has been through anything similar or is currently going through it- me and my OH have been TTC baby number 1 for nearly a year now.

In that time we’ve had tests and found certain things about us both but the biggest hurdle is keeping my OH from not spiralling. My OH has come a long way since I met him 6 years ago, but he has always suffered from low self-esteem and that low self esteem has affected his sexual health all his life.

He’s much better now but when it comes to the fertile window and any tests that he needs to complete (sperm analysis for example- I do not envy men for having to do this!) he gets in his head and it’s a real struggle (both physically and mentally). It takes it impact on both him and me…

We’ve tried a lot of things to make sure he feels comfortable but since we found out he has low sperm count six months ago (he’s not overweight, he doesn’t smoke, he doesn’t drink etc- so nothing that he can ‘blame’ himself over) he can be hard to reach when he’s in that state of mind.

Also, I would like to mention that I avoid telling him my ovulation period/peak but we’ve been doing this long enough now that he knows when I’m hitting my ovulation period and he also asks when my peak is.
Some cycles he’s better than others and keeps ‘out of his head’ but when things happen such as family members getting pregnant first month of trying or he’s nervous for tests etc. he struggles…we both really want to start a family, we’ve spoke about this for a long time and now we’re married and settled it’s a step we are both eager to take.

Just wondering if anyone has any tips to help? I’ve asked him what I can do to help but he doesn’t know and that he wants me to tell him my concerns/worries/ovulation so we can support each other. But it’s tricky… he’s so good at helping me but I feel like I’m not returning the favour at times.

Would he consider some counselling, either on his own or as a couple? It might help to have a neutral third party there, and for him to learn some coping strategies. A year of trying is normal, I'm surprised you've had tests already (assume private). Would it help if you made a joint decision that if you are not pregnant by xx date, you will look at IVF? I know it might be too hard to 'forget about' your fertile window, but could you try a month or two of not tracking and instead have sex every other day throughout the month? This is what the NHS advises anyway.

@Peonies12 thank you for your message. I’ve spoken to him about counselling and he’s not ready for that yet- I encouraged him and managed to get him to go about 5 years ago surrounding his self esteem but at that point a lot of it was to do with his job and generally not feeling good enough- I do think it’s a good idea for him to go now but I can’t force him and he has to want to do it for himself. Which is tricky because we both know it would help!

Yes, a year is normal… it’s just not normally the case in our family (I’m aware you shouldn’t compare yourself but it is difficult not to). We paid for private couples assessment and found issues for both of us (thin lining for me and low sperm count for him). Glad we paid as we were able to change certain things to improve our chances.

Actually, planning on booking an appointment in for us both with our GP for next month (preempting incase we get another BFN this month) when I go into the surgery tomorrow for blood tests. IVF seems very big and daunting and I think we both have a lot of nerves going forward with that but we know we want to try it.

Definitely a good shout not tracking and I haven’t tracked for several months now with tests, although I do sometimes struggle with not knowing for sure… but I get ovulation pains so I tend to be able to pin point my time.
Sex every over day is what we aim for, but of course life can get in the way at times but we are quite consistent at having sex at least 3 times a week.

thank you for your advice though and taking the time to comment! :)

Hi op, I'm sorry your both in this boat - I've been there. The longer it goes on the anxiety can increase.

Where the low count is concerned, maybe make it clear that even when low, sperm is likely still in the millions so there's still every chance it can work. It only takes 1!

In terms of improving semen quality - impryl is pricey, but proven, so worth investing in for him if you can.

It can help to try in bring the fun back into sex as it can become a bit like a chore; so whatever floats both of your boats, new underwear, steamy film, a night away here and there? It sounds like you've got all your bases covered though :)

And where fertility referral is concerned, honestly getting it started is important and wait lists can be long; getting investigations started can also lift some stress and I've heard of a few couples including my sister, who conceived soon after referral. X

Also - 1 of mt partners samples same back with high morphology a low motility - but many subsequent samples were perfectly normal - sometimes it's luck of the draw

@MotherOfShihTzus thank you for your kind words and advice.
Anxiety definitely rises the longer it goes in- either that or numbness 🙈
Yes- this is something that we definitely make a ‘joke’ out of- OH has great morphology and motility (well that was the case a few months ago with 2 different tests)… quality over quantity!

Thank you! I’ll take a look at impryl!☺️
Keeping it fresh definitely helps… he has no issues during our non fertile periods and majority of the time during fertile, although the positivity of having sex days in a row is not a possibility (always has been the case though) but we’ve been mixing it up more recently which does seem to help.

Thats what I’m thinking, I’m just so afraid that it’ll take a better part of a year and there is not guarantee that it’ll get the result that we want. But can’t let that fear stop us from starting the ball rolling.

thank you again and I hope you got the happy result you wanted in your own journey 💗