I feel so alone.

[Pinkmoon23]

Hi everyone, I haven't posted here for quite a while. Probably since I had my miscarriage June 2023. I hope everyone is doing OK. ❤️

I guess I'm just looking for a safe place to vent and find some support and hope because I have none. We are still trying to conceive. In the time we've been trying my best friend got pregnant and has given birth. And another one of my friends the same. I'm so happy for them both but I am struggling... I feel so consumed by this journey, I feel empty and miserable and completely alone.

Every month we are doing everything possible to maximize our chances. This month I even tried mucinex, period cup, preseed... I've tried bbt testing, ovulation strips, not testing to try and relax more. But every month I get the same effing negative one line. I seriously just feel hopeless, joyless and depressed.

We went to the fertility clinic 2 months ago and the Dr said I have a endometrioma on my left ovary. But she's deemed me as having "mild endometriosis". But she's also said doing a lap to check for extent would be more risky than ivf so she'd recommend going straight for ivf.

We're being offered ivf (and I am grateful for that) but I'm concerned it won't work if the endo is severe. She also needs my tsh (thyroid level) to be between 1 and 2 which it never has so I've no idea how long that'll take or if I can even get it to that level.

She's also said because my amh level is high and I've got low bmi I'd be at high risk of ovarian overstimulation syndrome so yeah... its a lot.

Anyway, thank you for reading this vent if you've made it this far ❤️. I guess I'm just looking for a place to let all of this out because I feel so incredibly alone. There is no one I can talk to about this who understands in the 'real world'.

Thank you ❤️🙏

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Firstly I’m so sorry with how you are feeling.

what you are going through is a lot, like huge. I’m not at all surprised you need to vent a bit.
seeing your best friend and friend go through that must have been so tough for you. Maybe even brought up feelings you don’t feel happy in yourself about. If yes please do be kind. It’s awful seeing people get what we so desperately long for.
have you go other friends that know your situation? Do you have a support network?

Thank you SO much for taking the time to reply. Its genuinely so nice to speak to someone who understands. And just seeing it written down that it is a huge deal is so validating. Because I keep sweeping my feelings under the rug and trying to put on a positive face. (It doesn't help when insensitive people tell you "oh I don't know why you're stressing it'll happen when it happens" or "I just relaxed!".

It is so hard when you see how easy it seems for other people around you in life. I do have friends who know my situation but most of them are pregnant, have had their kids or don't want kids so they just don't understand no matter how hard they try. I also don't really talk about it much.

I just don't know how to keep the hope alive anymore.

Hey
So sorry to hear of your loss.
We know that pain

Re High amh..
Have they assessed you for pcos?

Tommys baby charity

And the miscarriage association

Can be a great support

So can the fertility network

Thank you so much for your reply ❤️ so my AMH is 32.6 so not as high as would indicate PCOS (I don't think!)

Id ask 4 gynae to consider pcos if i was you

Endo wise , have u had a crp test ? - looks at inflammation

Thank you, I will enquire about it for sure! I meant to say 32.6 pmol/L (so 4.5 ng/mL). I think 48 pmol/L above is considered risk of PCOS. I had an internal scan in which she checked my ovaries and counted my follicles, etc and she didn't mention any signs of PCOS. I think also because my periods are clockwork regular and I'm underweight, bloods came back normal, etc. they ruled it out. But yeah I'll ask! I've had crp too it came back normal.

Hi OP xx Big hugs. I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I had the same risk of OHSS as my AMH was measured at 28.2, although that was almost 2 years ago now, so I imagine it has declined since then. Three people at my work got pregnant and went on maternity leave in the time I've been trying. It sucks. It really, really sucks. I'm due to go to have investigations done soon for recurrent miscarriage. I have been pregnant a handful of times, but each one died before a heartbeat could develop.

My longing for children is as strong as it used to be, but DH and I have developed quite a lot of resentment towards parents and expectant parents, which I know isn't healthy, but it's our own private coping mechanism. We never show it, it's all in private and kept away from other people.

I honestly don't know if it'll happen for us and I'll be lying if I said that I'm extremely hopeful now. It's a case of if it happens it happens, and if it doesn't, then we know we've done everything in our power to make it happen. I'll be 37 in November, my DH will be 36 in October, so we're not old, although we're not in our 20s anymore, if you see what I mean.

It's an incredibly tough and painful journey for some.

U can Have pcos with regular periods

Theres diff types of pcos

I'm so sorry for your loss. Just to say I have very bad endometriosis but I was lucky with IVF first time - it was a frozen transfer which I think helped. I hope that helps to hear. Good luck.