Totally valid feelings and you're in good company on this board. ❤
We started trying in August 2023 and eventually had to take a few months off here and there because it was exhausting getting disappointed by negative tests every month.
I too am a total control freak and couldn't understand why it hadn't happened for us yet. Once we hit our 11th cycle of trying last month, I did a private fertility blood panel, then a wider one through the GP, then got my husband scheduled in for sperm analysis... I joked to my GP that it would be sod's law that now all this faff had been done, we'd conceive immediately. She responded that "with the stress off a bit, it's more likely". So with the tests complete, and thinking "well, I've done everything I can now", I went into this TWW with the approach that an underlying cause for the infertility was about to be discovered, so this definitely wasn't our month, but nevermind, we've given it a shot anyway and onwards and upwards.
Annnnd what do ya know, last Wednesday I peed on a stick and to my absolute shock and disbelief I'm now pregnant.
So. I'm going to give you the same advice I gave myself: You've done everything you can, now stop stressing. It takes most first time babymakers in our age range an average of nine months to conceive. Some magically get pregnant on cycle 1, for others they only manage to conceive naturally on cycle 24. Statistically, even if everything in the nether regions is working as it should, the chance of conceiving each month is only around 10-33%. Fertilisation and implantation is nothing short of a biological miracle - so many things have to line up just right. So be patient with yourself, try and relax, moan to your best mate, or mum, that's what they're there for. Don't put your life on hold either, feel free to have a glass of wine on 7DPO if it helps you chill out after a bad day. If you've done all the fertility tests and they've come back with good news: brilliant! That just means it's more rolls of the dice. Good luck xx