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Original poster

I'm just so sad today 😞

9 replies

Ella31 · 16/06/2024 10:28

Bear with me, I've posted so much about this in recent months I'm like a broken record. I'm just so sad today. 10dpo bfn of course. Probably going into month seven ttc. I had a complete meltdown yesterday over the loss of my twin sons nearly 8 months ago now. Somedays it just floors me - that my little boy was born sleeping that I couldn't save him and his little brother died a few days later in my arms. I just want them back.

I've been attending counselling which is good but the ache to give them a sibling has never left me. I fell so quickly with them. Month 1. And in my two previous mc I fell month 1 and 3. This has been a difficult road.

So I'm terrified it will never happen. Month 7 is approaching. I am booked in for tests soon to see if everything is ok but I'm 33 now and worried I'll always be the bereaved mom and never get to bring another child home. Sorry for ranting again, it's just I literally gave birth 7 and a half months ago to my beautiful sons and yet it doesn't even feel like I'm a real mother.

OP posts:
MisssMarion · 16/06/2024 11:02

You've gone through probably one of the hardest things someone can go through... it's normal to feel this way. No need to feel guilty about meltdowns! I can't imagine what you must be feeling but I'm sure I'd be having plenty of those if I was in your situation. Give yourself time to feel okay, it's still so raw...
I so hope you get pregnant very soon, and have a gorgeous little 🌈 baby. I don't want to say that it will happen because I hate when people tell me that (how do they know?), but hopefully the testing you're going to do will help you get there.
In the meantime, feel free to vent here as much as you need...
Sending you hugs and rainbow dust x

Original poster
Ella31 · 16/06/2024 12:46

MisssMarion · 16/06/2024 11:02

You've gone through probably one of the hardest things someone can go through... it's normal to feel this way. No need to feel guilty about meltdowns! I can't imagine what you must be feeling but I'm sure I'd be having plenty of those if I was in your situation. Give yourself time to feel okay, it's still so raw...
I so hope you get pregnant very soon, and have a gorgeous little 🌈 baby. I don't want to say that it will happen because I hate when people tell me that (how do they know?), but hopefully the testing you're going to do will help you get there.
In the meantime, feel free to vent here as much as you need...
Sending you hugs and rainbow dust x

Thank you so much. This is the hardest thing I've faced. Luckily I was very unfamiliar with grief before this.

OP posts:
MocktailMe · 16/06/2024 14:46

I really feel for you Ella as have seen you all over these boards. One thing I have thought about your situation though, is when you do meet a woman who gave birth less than a year previously and is already pregnant most people's reaction to that is shock and suprise. It's really rather uncommon, particularly in the first 6 months or so. You don't need too many siblings with only a year between them.

I do think that's largely because (aside from people potentially not wanting 2 under 2) your body needs time to heal from a birth and will reject pregnancy as it's so much trauma to a healing body.

Your sons died and that is just an unimaginable pain, and it makes so much sense that you want to have another baby as soon as possible. But your body doesn't know your babies aren't with you, it is doing the same post birth healing it normally would. Now that you are eight months PP id expect things to settle back down and you'll be in a better physical health to conceive again. Try not to even include the first 3-4 months of trying post birth in your timeline, as it's so unlikely to conceive in those weeks.

I am rooting for you and can't wait to see your BFP which I am certain is coming for you.

MocktailMe · 16/06/2024 14:47

That should say you don't *meet too many siblings with less than a year.

Figtree11 · 16/06/2024 15:13

@Ella31 I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I have been having a low day today after my 2 MCs so I really feel for how you must be feeling when your pain is so much worse. Every day feels like a lifetime when you are waiting, so I get the worry about the future. But as PP says, your body has been through so much, I am sure it is just getting itself ready to make a comfy home for your boys sibling ❤️

Original poster
Ella31 · 16/06/2024 19:07

MocktailMe · 16/06/2024 14:46

I really feel for you Ella as have seen you all over these boards. One thing I have thought about your situation though, is when you do meet a woman who gave birth less than a year previously and is already pregnant most people's reaction to that is shock and suprise. It's really rather uncommon, particularly in the first 6 months or so. You don't need too many siblings with only a year between them.

I do think that's largely because (aside from people potentially not wanting 2 under 2) your body needs time to heal from a birth and will reject pregnancy as it's so much trauma to a healing body.

Your sons died and that is just an unimaginable pain, and it makes so much sense that you want to have another baby as soon as possible. But your body doesn't know your babies aren't with you, it is doing the same post birth healing it normally would. Now that you are eight months PP id expect things to settle back down and you'll be in a better physical health to conceive again. Try not to even include the first 3-4 months of trying post birth in your timeline, as it's so unlikely to conceive in those weeks.

I am rooting for you and can't wait to see your BFP which I am certain is coming for you.

Thank you so much. Everything you say rings so true. My af just arrived this evening. Really have to find a way to deal with this x

OP posts:
MelonSmoothie · 16/06/2024 19:07

@Ella31 I'm so sorry, I know we've chatted on other boards and you've been through so much more than anyone should have to.

I'm having no luck and feeling crushed as well but I haven't had a loss like yours so can't even imagine how you feel.

33 is still so young though - you do have time!! First time around when I did NCT 6/8 of the mums were over 35 xxx

Original poster
Ella31 · 16/06/2024 19:07

Figtree11 · 16/06/2024 15:13

@Ella31 I can’t even begin to imagine how you are feeling. I have been having a low day today after my 2 MCs so I really feel for how you must be feeling when your pain is so much worse. Every day feels like a lifetime when you are waiting, so I get the worry about the future. But as PP says, your body has been through so much, I am sure it is just getting itself ready to make a comfy home for your boys sibling ❤️

Thanks @Figtree11 it's definitely a tough road.

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Original poster
Ella31 · 17/06/2024 15:09

Thank you all for such kind replies. It's a painful journey so I appreciated all the advice 🥰

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