Conception Sex - I am not in the mood

[EricaceaeWild]

I am 10 months into my fertility journey. I haven't ever conceived in the past. I am about to start fertility checkups.

I am REALLY struggling with conception sex. To fit it into our busy lives that we have. I am so often not physically ready to have sex. I am willing and trying a few different methods to get into the mood, but essentially it isn't happening. I am overriding needing to be fully horny, which is triggering profound sexual traumas from my younger years. I find my self facing away from my partner, just wanting to get through it, which isn't my ideal way to bring a child into this world - fraught with heart closed...

I am communicating all of this with my partner. I honestly feel at my wits end. i am not wanting to catastrophe. I want to be practical, I am also just really really struggling. Missing cycles feel overwhelmingly stressful, and having sex feels stressful.

How often do you have sex?

My sex drive is fairly low. So I tracked ovulation and then we had sex every 2-3 days (possibly some 4 day gaps due to tiredness/not in the mood) from day 10 until I had a positive lh test (day 18-23). Then I gave up until the next cycle. Essentially I just made sure we had sex at least once while the lh peaked to know it was in the fertile window and a chance of conceiving.

You could use lh tests or you could do bbt (temperature each morning) which only confirms that you ovulated. Are you doing either of these?

It is stressful isn't. My partner has a low sex drive and trying to have sex too often was really really stressing him out, giving him anxiety about sex. So I track LH and give him an idea of what the best days are and we focus on those couple days

Can l gently suggest you put the baby plan on hold whilst you get help for the sexual trauma you have sadly experienced(l am sorry)
When there is lots of stress and or trauma it can prevent pregnancy to, so ideally addressing this first would be very good.
I wish you luck.

Honestly I’d get some counselling for your trauma first. But also I would say most women in longer term relationships experience responsive desire, eg they don’t feel ‘horny’ randomly but do once they begin being intimate. This is certainly the case for me.

Have you considered home artificial insemination? Me and my partner do this because of issues with finishing from sex, but to be honest it's actually a huge relief and means we can just be intimate when we actually want to!

I was also going to suggest this as we've added this into the mix as it does relieve some of the pressure of ensuring sex (and finishing) on your fertile days. Means you can take advantage of the fertile week even if you're not in the mood

You poor thing- it sounds really stressful. Could you just do it when you're actually ovulating? Physically that tends to be easiest time to get in the mood

I think you need to stop for a while. It is clearly getting to you. You also need to try and work through your trauma as this won’t work out otherwise

@EricaceaeWild - I have sympathy with the "not a great way to bring a child into the world...heart closed", because I felt that way until like month 2 of TTC.

Nobody out there is getting a fairytale conception story. There is no "we looked into each others' eyes whilst in missionary after a fabulous dinner date and then angels sang and his winning sperm travelled to my fallopian tubes, and our souls spoke to each other"

Conception is messy. Pregnancy won't be rosy glows. Labour sure as heck won't be Hollywood either.

I would bet most people who conceived probably did so after a night where a squabble was had over the dishes. Please don't put the stress of perfection on yourself.

I was working really long hours for my first one. Totally unromantic but used ovulation tests and made sure the deed was done in the most fertile couple of days.

It worked but was utterly functional and perfunctory (the Bridget jones clip where it said the male penetrates the female and leaves came to mind...)

Thanks so much for responding everybody. These are all really helpful suggestions. This is my first time posting on a forum and it has been very positive experience