TTC at age 37

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

Please could I ask for some advice / opinions?

I am 37 years old. I have been in a relationship for just over a year. My partner is also 37. We are very much in love and I think we will spend the rest of our lives together.

Before now, I never really considered children. It has taken me a long time to find a relationship and I just assumed the opportunity would pass me by. However, now I possibly have a chance, I just don’t know what to do.
I think I would really like to have a child. My partner could go either way.

I have spent a lot of time on Mumsnet reading various threads about parenting. I appreciate it isn’t possible to truly know what it will be like until you are there, however I don’t think I am under any illusions that it will all be plain sailing and rainbows and sparkles etc.

I would describe my partner and I as sensible, intelligent and hardworking. We are also very financially stable.
However, something I really worry about is the risk of having a child with additional needs. I know that as we are both ‘older’ there is a greater risk. I have been on the SN forum and I have read about the immense pressure some parents of SN children are under. That isn’t what I would want for my life, and if course I would hate for my child to suffer due to challenges caused by their special needs.

What would you do in our circumstances? Take the gamble or not have children?

I feel very sad about not having children. I have a very small family and am an only child myself and would love a child of my own to give me a new connection, but maybe I am just being selfish?

I do understand this dilemma, it's always a roll of the dice. However even being a bit older, with chances raised (though I don't think dramatically at 37), most women still have a child that's physically healthy and without special needs. Some severe issues can be detected in tests while pregnant.

Statistically, you're probably alright at 37, but the risks are going to increase in the coming 5 years. If it's something you both want, you've discussed how you'd like to parent and you're on the same page, I'd say get going!

This is coming from someone who's been TTC for over 3 years and is 37.

@sirensong Thank you. I don't know whether having spent so much time on Mumsnet has distorted my perception of the risk. Is there a higher proportion of parents on here with SN children than amongst the general population, I wonder?

I also appreciate that it is possible to have a healthy child only for something terrible (an accident etc) to happen further down the line.

I am 40 in sept, currently 15 weeks into my first successful pregnancy. Trying since in 2020, I did/do think about the risks however there are so many risks throughout pregnancy and some you just won’t know until they are here, just as I think I’ve gotten through one milestone something else to worry about comes up. I’m trying to remain positive and we will deal with whatever is thrown at us, it’s taken a long time to get to this point and in all honesty I lost hope I would. As someone said it’s a throw of the dice. My advice is if you want to then start asap as things can take a lot longer than expected. Good luck ❤️

@Strawberriesandpears I imagine if you have a child with special needs you might seek solidarity from boards more often than the average parent. From personal experience, of those I know professionally and personally, only a couple of children have severe autism/SN out of hundreds, and one of those was born to a younger mother. Most at work have children late 30s.

Nothing is guaranteed, and the risk plays on my mind too, but odds are in your favour even into 40s (eg. Even if a risk rises 10 fold or something at the limits of fertile age, the majority out of 100 are still fine).

My sister has just had a healthy child aged 40. My mum was born to my grandmother when she was 45. And if the worst happened, you might be surprised at your strength to cope.

@Strawberriesandpears no one comes on MN really to say how wonderful their life is and there children. You won’t do a post and say my children are NT and have nothing wrong with them. It’s a warped perception, same as relationships, no one writes my DH is amazing what should I do I’m really struggling

Thank you for your replies everyone and sending my best wishes to those who are currently pregnant.

I'd say you will get a warped perception on MN - to be honest of most things! I.e, people will mostly only post in Conception if there are issues / it's taking longer. Same with kids with SN. You won't hear from the parents who aren't having issues. Especially given you haven't been together long, I think you need some serious discussions about how you'd manage if you did have a child with SN, but also talk about other things like anticipating miscarriage or pregnancy complications, how you would manage money and work, your living situation, if you'd get married. The only way to know regarding TTC is to try!