Secondary infertility - coping with other people's pregnancies

[Skye20]

Not quite sure what I'm hoping for by posting here - maybe just to see if there's anyone out there who can empathise! Because it seems like everyone around me is pregnant at the moment - best friend, two sisters in law, and every week someone seems to announce a pregnancy at my daughter's playgroup. People with babies younger than my daughter having another baby. I don't feel like anyone really gets it, even my partner doesn't seem to get why I can't stop thinking about it.

We have been TTC since my daughter was 1 and she is now nearly 2.5. I have known high prolactin levels and had this before my first daughter was conceived naturally. There is a medication called cabergoline which I can take to reduce prolactin and maybe restore fertlity (if that is the issue). I saw a private endocrinologist at christmas and he basically said if it's happened once, it will happen again, keep trying and at least you have one child. Since then, I've seen multiple doctors and jumped through so many hoops. They want just another blood test, make another referral, a scan etc. And with each thing, a couple more months go by. I spoke to my GP the other day and he said he would prescribe the cabergoline (I was elated) and then during the phonecall he changed his mind and said he wasn't sure if it could be taken while TTC or if it needed to be stopped after taking for a few months, then said he would need to write back to endocrine for advice. It felt so cruel! Another few months may go by ... I was devastated.

It's just consuming all my thoughts and I am really struggling to just get on with life and enjoy my daughter. I'm thinking about it so much and with so many people I know pregnant and a baby group full of pregnant people, I'm feeling like I just want to isolate from events where there may be pregnant people! Anyone else feel the same?! Apologies for long post

I feel this SO MUCH.

My son is 3 and half - and we've been trying for almost 2 years (it will be 2 in September). It consumes me all the time - I've had people around me who have had another child after me and are now pregnant with the third (just announced). This crushed me.l

Annoucements are so triggering to me - espc those who are having second/third children. Almost all mums etc who i spoke about trying for #2 and were in the same journey have now got new borns or are pregnant. It such a sad and lonely place to be!! So i understand completely how you feel.

I was referred through my NHS - however I was told for secondary infertility they wont help and they refused to do anything and advised me to go private. I am now trying letrozole privately and with scans/tests and bloods before I even started treatment, I've spent £1500 and now an additional £1k a cycle of letrozole. I have no idea when I will be able to stop - it just feel so easy for others.

I dont think people understand its not that your not grateful for the one you have, its because you want more. You should be allowed to pick the family size you want. I feel you and am wishing you baby dust and hope you know you are not alone, even though this journey can feel so lonely.

Thank you so so much for this. Makes me feel less alone. It’s such a lonely journey I think - just sitting there silently while everyone discusses their pregnancies, send you scan pics etc. It just feels so unfair. My sister in law is having her third and her second is younger than mine. She wasn’t sure if she wanted another but thought they’d just ‘give it one try’ and … bingo. That hit me hard.

Im sorry that you’re also having to spend so much money - it doesn’t seem like there’s either sympathy or funding for secondary infertility. Even my GP said ‘at least you have one’ which is not helpful. I’m desperate to give my daughter a sibling. I even find seeing siblings playing together triggering. She has an imaginary sister that she plays with, it’s awful. I’m really sorry you’re also going through this. Sending baby dust you way too xx

I do have some sympathy for you but your GP isn't wrong. You do have a child and are a parent.
I don't get that chance. Cancer has completely robbed me of any prospect of being a parent.

Infertility sucks. Period. You can be grateful for what you have and sad for what you don't. I have had recurrent loss and infertility issues and no living kids but a close friend of mine has been dealing with secondary infertility and it's still devastating. There's no easy way to deal with it - just give your daughter an extra big squeeze and try to remember all the good in your life, that's what I find myself having to do.

I'm right in the thick of this too. I've just turned 39. My son is coming up to 4.5, and we've been trying for #2 for 18 months now. In that time I've unfortunately been diagnosed with PCOS, and am a lot heavier than I was when I first conceived in 2019. We had a chemical pregnancy in March 2023, and a miscarriage at 8 weeks in July 2023. Apart from that... Nothing.

I have had to start muting social media of people having babies, or cozy families of 4. I can't bear the idea that my son might end up being an only child - I'm youngest of 5 and my siblings are a huge part of my life.

Today I found out that I'm not pregnant again this month. First full cycle on inositol for the PCOS, so at least my cycle is back to a nice 'normal' 42ish days...

And a radio piece about the recent birth trauma enquiry just set me off in floods of tears. Not about any birth trauma itself, but midwives and maternity units and everything that comes with it. I just want to meet my youngest child so badly one day.

Xxx

Same place as you. We've been trying since an accidental ectopic pregnancy just after DD turned one. DD took 6 months. We've now been trying a year. I didn't really want more than a 3 year gap but it's looking more and more likely that it'll be longer but that's OK.
It was a real kicker for me when someone who had their child after mine, and who swore they wouldn't have anymore accidentally fell pregnant.

Have you been referred to an endocrinologist for your high prolactin? I've been on Cabergoline for over 10 years, even when not TTC as I have quite bad symptoms. I had a blood test which showed progesterone is low for me which is common for those with prolactinomas (that's the cause of my prolactin).

I’m with you. My DD is 2.5 and we’ve been trying again for 16 months now, in that time I’ve had two miscarriages and am now on my second round of IVF.

Fed up of the monthly cycle of disappointment. I can’t stomach being around pregnant people and every new announcement feels like a punch in the gut. And now we’re in the toddler age bracket so many people are having their next baby so it’s everywhere, hard to escape!

Dont feel like anyone understands as they often seem to think it doesn’t matter if you already have a child. I hate it when people tell me “at least you have your daughter” I feel like it’s a bit like telling someone whose just lost their mum that it’s not so bad as they still have their dad.
I can be grateful for what I have, and still feel a deep grief for the child I’m not able to conceive.

It so difficult seeing others fall pregnant and as @AnnieStar12 its hard when you have a toddler and now everywhere you go - there are bumps left right center. I genuinely get anxiety and feel nervous when someone says 'i've got somethin to tell you' as I know it will be another annoucement.

@AnnieStar12 - I've also started fertility treatment - although trying IUI before IVF unfortunately two failed cycles. Are you private?

The hard part about secondary infertility is those with primary cant understand and relate - so just think 'but be grateful' because I havent got one. But why cant we choose the family we want?

@Optimistic66 please don't be mean to those who are struggling to have just one - I've been on a 7 year journey so far with multiple losses and no babies. Infertility is awful for everyone, there's no doubt about that, but facing the idea of not having a child at all is horrendous. We can't relate to you, but you also can't relate to us. It's a 2 way street.

As I've said earlier in this post, you can be grateful for what you have and sad for what you don't at the same time x

@moosey89 That was not the purpose of my message. I also disagree because I have infact felt what you have felt. I had a huge journey before I had number one - with years of infertility and miscarriages so I can in someway relate to what you feel. So its not at all to be 'mean' - there are many thread that talk about the depth of primary infertility. I know how scary it is to wonder if you will never be a mother. I used to cry and cry all the time. I wish you lots of baby dust and also hope you get the child you dream of.

I think thread in particular is about the struggle of secondary infertility and the fact it is also 'valid' you can still feel the same grief regardless of having a child, but infact in most place you are made to feel though your feelings are not valid or your grief is unreasonable so infact it just highlighting that it is not the case.

I always wonder why can some people have four kids but infertility has stolen almost 10 years of my life and here I am again - just wanting a sibling for my child. Of course I feel blessed to have my child, but I still feel sadness.

Pain is not mutually exclusive to what others are going through. If that was the case we should never feel sad because we have a home and food and there are people who are homeless. etc. etc.

@Optimistic66 I'm sorry if I took the tone the wrong way - you'll see from my first reply here that I absolutely validate how much secondary infertility must hurt. I hate the race to the bottom that people do (as ultimately that logic ends up with just one person being allowed to ever be sad which is bonkers).

I hope you aren't in these trenches for too much longer and get the sibling you desperately want to give your child. I am also in awe of anyone doing IVF as that takes so much strength. Xx

@moosey89 Its so hard on a computer vs a real human interaction to explain how you mean stuff so I can understand why you may have understood it has that as I've read it back and it seems blunt.

Honestly infertility is so tragic - It overtakes your life and I feel like we are made to feel like it will be so easy, we dream of the families we have, and the things we do and its simply not that easy.

I genuinely hope that we all go on to live our dreams.

@Optimistic66 I’m on a similar journey. I did 3 x IUI last year - one worked but I had a MMC at 8.5 weeks. So now moved on to IVF which isn’t going well tbh as I’m not getting many eggs at all. Yea it’s all private and costing an absolute fortune as not entitled to nhs as they don’t help with secondary infertility.

Yes, omg I know that feeling of someone saying I have got news. And then I have to act all nice when inside I’m dying. I have told close friends of mine to please tell me by text if they’re pregnant as I don’t want a face-to-face announcement.

I feel this too. I have 2 adult children to my ex husband, but have not prevented a pregnancy for 4 years with my now husband and my heart aches so much. I never thought I would be in a position where infertility would be an issue. Granted I am now over 40 so my age is playing a part but I was on only in my late 30's when we stopped contraception and we thought we'd be pregnant within a year.

I have a couple of close family members who are expecting or trying and it is honestly like a kick to the stomach and throat. I'm finding all the talk really hard to be around but I don't want to be rude, I literally cannot show any excitement for them :(

We were referred to the NHS fertility clinic but discharged after 2 appointments with no known reason and have now gone to a private clinic. We don't have much money but I can't not try this route. We had our first appointment last Friday, had bloods and scans on the same day and now waiting on our follow up appointment. Just praying for good news soon.

Good luck to all x

@carerlookingtochangejob I'm so sorry. I'm struck by how everyone on the thread has ignored your contribution.

I think the purpose of the OP post was sharing how invalidated and unheard she felt as well as alone which I could relate to. So therefore I responded to the OP. @carerlookingtochangejob agreed with the GP comments, however I felt the GP was invalidating to the OP, as we all know pain isn't mutually exclusive. There are always going to be people in much worse and much better situations, but everyone experience and feelings are valid. However I am so sorry @carerlookingtochangejob that you are unable to become a parent. Life is cruel. I hope you have recovered well

It’s a shitter isn’t it? We have a child, 2y7m, and have been trying for #2 for just over two years now, altho we never went back on contraception after DC arrived. Not even a hint of a BFP. And around us, everyone is falling pregnant, or so it seems. My sil had a baby a few months after our child, and has since gone on to fall pregnant and have another who’s now crawling, all in the time we’re still trying. Our first took 18 months so I wasn’t expecting it to be quick, but this is a bit soul destroying now.
Most of the time I’m pretty good for focussing on how lucky we are that we had DC at all, but sometimes that proves tricky.

Don't already I'm used to it! Story if my whole life!!!
No @Optimistic66 you don't get it! You don't get to invalidate my lived experience in which there is ZERO HOPE of becoming a parent! Zero!!! Id give anything for just a chance!

However hard your infertility journey was you still had hope! And for that you are more lucky than you possibly know.

That I was supposed to be don't worry I'm used to it 🙄

Kins of wondering why those who are struggling to have their first or are unable to have their own children are posting on here telling OP to be grateful when it was obviously a post on secondary infertility?

I have experienced primary infertility (still have infertility now) and needed IVF for my first. I was very surprised to find out how much it hurt that the route to a sibling or miscarriage, IVF cycles seemed to take ages. Oh and add COVID in there too. I didn't imagine I would feel that way when struggling to concieve my first!

Hi op, I experienced 3 years of secondary infertility, and it was so so hard. Ended up with 2nd and 3rd babies through ivf, and we have completed our family but it still stings when I hear pregnancy announcements. It never really goes. You're allowed to feel sad for yourself, and happy for the pregnancy. It is so hard. Knowing that you're doing everything you can, you're being heard by medical professionals, can help, and maybe avoiding triggers like baby showers might be a good idea. The feeling is grief for what might have been, and as the age gap widens it continues. We have a 4.5y and 3y age gap and it's great, so don't let that get you down. Good luck and vent on here to us in the meantime.

Thank you everyone for your messages. I really didn’t mean to invalidate anyone’s struggles with primary infertility, just share my own story. Everyone is in a unique position and I am sending everyone strength and support xx