When you NEED to be intimate on your fertile days... and you're not in the mood

[BrickMember]

I've been following this board for a few months now, but I've never posted anything until today.

Sorry if it's a bit TMI, but I just want to know if others have this too.

Me and my husband have been TTC'ing for over a year now. During the first few months we really didn't care about my fertile days and we've only been intimate when we were both in the mood.

After a few months, I realized we had to stop "gambling" and I started tracking my menstrual cycle. Recently I've also used ovulation tests to determine my fertile days.

I went to my gyn a few weeks ago and she said we shouldn't panic and she thinks we missed a few cycles because we didn't get our timing right. Her message was that we need to "aim" more on my fertile days or I'll never get pregnant, which is totally understandable.

The problem is that after 13 months, my libido is not what it used to be anymore. I know this sounds harsh, but if it was up to me, I'd never have sex again. I've totally lost interest.

Are there other couples in the same boat? How do you guys deal with this? Yesterday I had a positive ovulation test but I wasn't in the mood at all, so I basically just pulled down my PJ shorts and told my husband he could do his thing. I've always thought getting pregnant would be something super romantic, but when you ask your partner to "hurry up" because you're not in the mood, that's FAR from how I thought it would be.

I've told my gyn about my lack of libido and she answered that it's like that for most women when they're trying for a long time, and that a libido isn't needed to get pregnant. Which is true of course. Is anyone else going through this?

Nothing helpful to add, but you're not alone. However, please don't hurry your husband up ...not least because him getting performance anxiety in the future will be a REAL problem to concept.

Took us a year and definitely felt that the timing and duty aspect of it was a libido killer towards the end, especially towards the end of each fertile window. I personally think you have to both be willing to occasionally fake-it-till-you-make-it to a certain extent or it makes it even worse, I don’t think a ‘get on with it then’ approach is going to make either of you feel good about your relationship. There were a couple of days where we both acknowledged we were tired and feeling the pressure, but you can give each other some grace while still maintaining some respect and romance. The month that worked for us was one when we didn’t hit as many days in the fertile window as possible but did get peak day and the day after. Perhaps if you’re trying for a few days in a row, reduce the frequency but get the optimal timing?

Hey,

In a similar boat here. We've been trying for 14 months now and can relate to the lack of libido and the pressure.

Things I've found helpful are ovulation testing but keeping the result to myself. I feel like telling my partner we HAVE to do it on certain days is too much pressure for him and takes all the fun out of it.

Also, aiming to just have sex on the optimal days can help keep the momentum up. For months, we had sex every other day without ovulation testing, and to be honest, it can be pretty draining and more of a tick box than anything else after a while. Now, I initiate sex on the day of my peak test and the day after and then just any other time throughout the month when I actually fancy it.

Lastly, you had sex yesterday on your peak ovulation day, so try and forget about sex and TTC for now. Believe me, I know it's hard, but go spend some time together doing something else you both enjoy which is nothing to do with sex, ttc, and maybe you'll come back to it feeling differently.

Wishing you all the best x

I completely get you. We are on cycle 21 now and this month it really hit me, I absolutely hated it and I could feel my partner was also a bit distant. Any other day after ovulation is all fine we actually dtd more after ovulation than during my fertile window. That’s why I just went back to doing LH tests so we can dtd as little as possible during ovulation. I can’t wait for this to be over, I always wanted 3-4 kids but now I might be fine with just one, maybe try for a bit for #2 but I definitely can’t do this all over again.

After 15 months trying for our son and 22 months trying for our second (due tomorrow!) sex definitely became utterly clinical for me and my husband. You're not alone with just wanting to get it over with. I think the month we conceived this one we dtd 12 days in a row.

I hope it works for you soon!

Same for me. I was actually relieved in many ways when we moved onto IVF and didn't have to have sex to order anymore

Turkey baster method?

Not joking!

I know it sounds utterly grim when you first think about it, but one of my friends decided to do this so they could continue to just have sex when they fancied it and turn the fertility and conception journey into a totally separate entity. She said it completely took the pressure off.

There was a thread about it... I'll link it if you're interested in hearing some stories and experiences!