How to tell my 4 year old he has a sperm donor

[OrangeSprout]

Hi!
my little boy starts school in September, and we are wondering how to tell him that he was donor conceived. He knows the donor and they’re fond of each other but contact is once/twice a year.
we have looked up books but the ones we have seen are not our exact situation (we didn’t use ivf).
just wondered if any tips for an age appropriate discussion?

Why does him starting school mean you need to tell him now?

Its not something a four year old would understand anyway.

Just keep up with the contact and don’t make his transition to school any bigger than it needs to be.

How exactly you tell him, in terms of what you actually say depends very much on what your situation is. I'm not sure a 4 year old needs to know the mechanics of conception with or without a sperm donor to be honest, but all the research does suggest that you should tell him sooner rather than later.

It was international donor conception day yesterday, maybe that could be the introduction you need?

Just drop it into normal conversation. E.g. you have green eyes like your donor (only mention that because you say he is known). The idea is to mention it early and often so that it becomes something the child always knew rather than a secret to be revealed.
A four year old absolutely can understand this.

I'd say save this conversation for a few more years down the line. This alongside a start at new school will be a lot to take in and may set them back.

what does he already know?

I have a 7 year old DC child and didn't use a clinic. I found some excellent resources on the DCN (donor Conception network) website they have a range of books called "Our Story" written for children and they have one for all different circumstances eg single woman, 2 mums 2 dads etc . You may also want to consider joining as a member they can put you in touch with other DC families in your area. I attend meet ups a couple of times a year it's great for my child to see other families like ours. Good luck, i believe it's much easier to tell them when they are young x

It depends a bit on your set up. My daughter is donor conceived and she knows that you need two ingredients to make a baby, and because I only had one of them I had to go and visit a doctor who helped me find the second. I haven’t used the word donor. I was going to say she has never asked about the second ingredient, but she did once ask where the Dr got it from, and I said that a kind person gave it to the doctor. She hasn’t asked since. I framed it as the story of the two of us, told at bedtime.

If there is another parent involved you could say that the two of you didn’t have the right things to make a baby so someone helped. I plan on being clear that the donor was helper, not a parent. Does your friend want to be identified as the donor at this point?

I think a lot of this depends on the setup at home. Because it’s one thing telling a child his dad isn’t genetically related to him, and another telling a child he has two mums but there’s a man who’s not his ‘dad’ who was involved in bringing him into the world, and yet another thing to tell him that he has one parent but there was someone else who contributed to making him. What is the donor comfortable with? Does your child know how babies are made?

@Latenightreader said it better than me!

surely he knows about egg and sperm? you just mention next time the conversation comes up, that you had to use donated sperm. Do you have a partner?

This.

My DD was IVF and we're both her parents, but yes I think gently adding it in to conversation might work. I said things like Mummy found it hard to get pregnant so
We went to a special hospital to have you. Now she's older and knows about the birds and the bees, we explained the process of IVF. I'm not sure I've helped but agree with previous poster

If you using a book as an aide I don't think it needs to be specific to your situation - it's just something to encourage him to ask questions that will allow you to introduce the topic in a way that lets him to lead the conversation.
There's loads of books out there about different types of families and age appropriate birds and the bees books that would be helpful

Also try to be conscious of your own learned bias
It's important to remember that a lot of things that are upsetting or strange to us only make us feel that way because that's how we've been taught to feel about them and a small child being introduced to these ideas for the first time will probably not naturally feel this way if they are presented to them as a positive and normal thing!

Thanks all!

Does he call the donor his dad/father?

I have the Our Story book which is really helpful. Mine is 2 and I’m already getting a lot of questions about daddy, so I have had this conversation many times