Difficulties conceiving second - big age gap

[Marm24]

Sorry if this isn’t the right place, but I’m just looking to see if anyone else has gone through something similar.

My partner and I have an almost 5 year old who was a very happy accident. I have wanted to try for another for about 2.5 years but my partner wasn’t ready until last year. After 3 cycles we were pregnant but this ended in a missed miscarriage at 13 weeks. We’re now on cycle 8 post miscarriage, and we’ve had absolutely no luck. We live much healthier lifestyles than we did when I fell pregnant 6 years ago. Now neither of us smoke, we eat well, don’t drink, take all the vitamins etc. We are late 20s/early 30s.

I started this journey quite indifferent to what happened, as in ‘what will be will be’, but I think I was extremely naive due to our first being such as easy journey, and with each month that passes I become more obsessed with a second baby. But the age gap that will now be between any future baby and my 5yo just seems to so much bigger to what I wanted, and I feel totally bitter that if we’d started trying 2.5 years ago, then we wouldn’t feel the same urgency to it all as I do now, and I worry there will be such a big age gap now there will be no sibling connection there. He wants a little sibling so much as almost all of his friends have one, and it breaks my heart as I have to cheerfully say ‘maybe one day!’ To him when he asks, when we’re doing everything we can but it’s just not happening.

I know our journey is nothing compared to some, but some days I feel absolutely consumed by it and don’t understand why something that seems so incredibly straightforward to everyone else (and I mean everyone - I think 80% of my friends are pregnant right now) around me is just not happening.

@Marm24 I don’t have any experience in this but I just want to say- I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s such a tough thing when you have a idea of what your family looks like and it’s not easy to get that.
But I do have friends who have children with bigger age gaps and what I do say is that they dote on them! They become their biggest champion and love helping out with their little sibling! Your son will probably be much more involved since he’s that little bit older :)

I would say try not to think about the what ifs. I’m in a similar headspace- TTC baby 1 and found out we have a few problems which will cause some hurdles for us (also month 8) I can’t help but think if I knew it would take a while then we would have started earlier! It’s easy to become upset and bitter about things.

I was in the same position as you and ended up with a six year age gap between my two. They have always been close and still are.

Try not to compare your potential age gap with others. It will drive you mad.

The only truth is is that whatever age gap you end up having, you will make it work and will flex your approach to that end.

Having an 8 year gap between siblings will obviously lead to life looking a bit different than an 18 month gap...but all of the things that come with multiple siblings will STILL be there. Photos together, shared memories, family days out, holidays, company, their own relationship. As adults, there's no guarantee that the closest aged siblings will get on best. A 40 year old man is just as likely to go for a pint with his 30 year old sibling as with his 37 year old sibling!

I have 3 dc. There's a 2 year gap between dc1 and dc2. A 9 year gap between dc1 and dc3. The relationship between dc1 and dc3 is different than between dc1 and 2. But equally lovely.

You cannot, cannot, cannot guarantee a close sibling connection- regardless of age.

I know preteen siblings with a planned 18 month gaps (so they would apparently be friends) who bicker like crazy and everyday is a battle to ensure they are treated EXACTLY the same or all hell breaks loose. I know adult siblings so close in age who have zero relationship with each other.

I equally know some siblings with 10 year age gaps who are super sweet to their little siblings and love caring for them. It’s a different type of relationship but a lovely one.

I think you really need to reframe your thinking on this as it’s obviously causing you a great deal of upset. It really is the luck of the draw. Please stop seeing your struggles as some sort of failing in giving your child a little friend- you really don’t have the power to do that.

I have one child- it’s not for everyone, and when I had a second unplanned pregnancy even I was taken in by the concept of giving my child a ‘friend’ due to all the social pressure. However I stuck at one for all of the benefits. You clearly want another baby, and that’s fine- but really count your blessings and enjoy your triangle family, and all of the benefits that you can provide. It might be worth joining some only child Facebook groups (there are a few for people who are on the fence, or are TTC but dealing with some fertility problems) just to normalise your current family set up and curate what you are seeing. I understand how hard it must be to see people constantly pregnant around you in bigger families, so you might find it encouraging to curate your social media feeds with family that looks like your current set up.

Sending baby dust because it’s clearly what you want- but please don’t feel like you have denied your son a pal. That’s out of your control entirely even if they were a year apart.

Hi OP

I too am obsessing over an age gap (we're on cycle 9 and our DS just turned 3 so I know it's not exactly the same) but I wanted to show that the age gap obsession is a thing.

My SIL has a 10, 8 and 2 year old and the older 2 adore the younger one.

What I do know from experience is that stress (regardless of what it is) changed my cycles and now I'm a lot calmer and put of the stressful situation my periods are back to normal.

There's are 6 years between me and my brother which is why I always wanted a gap of 3-4 years
Now were adults we are much closer but not that close but that is due to factors not related to age.

I can totally relate to your last paragraph, I feel so consumed by TTC at the moment, we’re on cycle 6 and AF just arrived last night so today has been difficult. My first baby was a very happy accident, but he passed away at 3 days old. We then got pregnant very quickly 3 months after losing him and now have a 1 year old but have been trying for another since October and naively thought it would be quite quick again!
It’s so difficult to switch off from isn’t it.

On the age gap, my older sisters are 5 and 12 years old than me and we are all super close. I know that won’t make you feel better right now, but just thought i’d mention xxx

Really don’t focus on the age gaps. There’s pros and cons to all age gaps. Resenting your partner for wanting to wait really won’t help either. At your young ages and having got pregnant twice, I really wouldn’t worry at the moment. Worrying about the age gap won’t change anything! Try and make nice plans with your partner and child, don’t get too caught up in TTC.

Hi, I'm in a very similar position you; I have a nearly 3 year old and suffered a miscarriage 10 months ago and haven't fell pregnant since. Don't really have any words of wisdom other than to say I understand how are you are feeling x

I have an 11yo and an almost 3yo who absolutely adore each other. It's not been easy because ds2 is bloody hard work but to be honest, the age gap has made life easier. I couldn't begin to imagine trying to parent ds2 if ds1 was still small too.

I know this is an old post but are there any updates? I’m in the same position!

Hi hope everyone is doing ok! 2DPO here. Stomach is feeling a bit sore but it’s not full on cramping like it was the last two cycles post ovulation so I’m in hopes that my body is adjusting to being off the pill properly now. Already saw some other changes already this cycle like only having one high reading using OPK and cramps before ovulating. Two week wait begins 🤞🤞

Sorry posted the above in the wrong thread. What I wanted to say was I have a really big age gap with my sisters (9 and 10 years). It’s true that growing up my role towards them felt a bit different (a bit more like a carer since I’d help my parents with getting them dressed, feedings, picked up from school sometimes etc) and I had my own friends I spent most of my time with. But we’ve always been really close once they got to their late teens it honestly felt like just hanging with friends. I think for them there have been massive benefits to having an older sister too. Most people who see us can’t tell there’s a big age gap at all and at work I hang out happily with people 9-10 years younger than me l the time. I think it becomes less of a bigger deal once you’re all older anyway.

Think I just want to say that just because you’re closer in age to your siblings doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be closer. I know lots of my friends with close age gaps ends up bickering like mad with their siblings whereas I always enjoyed my big sister role.