Do I need to cop on and give it time?

[Ella31]

Posted about this before but looking to see if i just need to chill.

In the space of a year and a half I had three losses ranging from tough to horrific.

I got pregnant right after my honeymoon and lost the baby at 8 weeks. After trying again we got pregnant again after 3 cycles but that was a chemical. And amazingly when my ovulation returned I got pregnant with identical twin boys a high risk but really healthy pregnancy.

I made it to 29 weeks, but one evening i had no movement and its transpired that this acute rare condition called Twin to Twin Transfusion occured and is nearly always fatal in this late stage of pregnancy. My beautiful first twin was born sleeping and my second little boy fought so hard but passed away after 4 days in the nicu. We had to remove life support, he was so ill. I went from going into hospital thinking I'm being dramatic, to losing a baby, planning his funeral whilst fighting for his brother, to only lose him as well in the space of 4 days.

I'm fortunate in that I can get pregnant, the fact that I carried two perfect high risk twins is in my favour and I've no issues according to tests.

Why I'm writing is, I'm on cycle 4 trying again after my boys. I'm 33 and my heart is breaking that I'm still not pregnant. My heart and home is so empty and there's a beautiful completed nursery in my house that was waiting for my gorgeous sons that is cold and empty. I can't bring my boys back but I want to give them a sibling. I want to be the mother that I know I could have been. I am a mother but not to a living baby and it's so painful.

So do I need to give my head a wobble and realise it's early days. Is there still a chance for me. I know I'm lucky to have gotten pregnant but I had no idea I'd be visiting my children's grave on mothers day this year. I feel so cheated and scared that time is running out.

Hi @Ella31

Your story is heartbreaking and I cannot imagine what you've been through. I've had a different experience with my child with health issues. I was able to get dedicated counselling with a specialist psychologist who dealt with women who had been through trauma as a result of pregnancy or birth. Are you able to access this through your health case?

My counselling was through the Harris Birthright Centre linked to KCL in London and wondered if perhaps you can contact them?

Your mind must be spinning and I can sense it sounds like you are suffocating. I hope you have people around you 💗

You’ve had an incredibly hard time - be kind to yourself and feel how you feel. I hope you’ve a good support network and you get your happy ending 🫂

Oh and on the time issue... I'm 35 TTC my second, my aunt had her third at 41, my SIL had her 3rd at 38 and my best friend just had her first at 36. Oh the flip side I have a friend who lost twins at 12 weeks at age 28. X

Thank you, strangely I feel ok mentally, probably doesn't sound like it in my post. I've been really fortunate to have a lot of support and access to it. It's really what lies ahead that worries me. I want to be a mother again.

I hope your little one is doing ok. Thanks so much for your kind message.

It's crazy isn't it. You don't know what life has in store.

Thank you, I do. I wish this journey was easier