How do you give up ttc?

[Polkadots458]

I had a miscarriage in April 2023, and have been ttc again since then so coming up a year. Our miscarried baby was conceived quickly.
We have one child who is nearly 4 and was conceived very quickly.
Trying to conceive has taken over my life and it’s all I think about, I feel so desperate. I don’t understand why the times I have conceived have been within 1-2 cycles and now I’m a year on.
I’ve had basic hormone tests which are all normal, and I ovulate every month. We are both 29.
It breaks my heart that our child asks me about having a sibling like their friends. I’ve also had two members of my close family announce pregnancies recently. I’m so happy for them, but I don’t know how to cope.

I feel like I have to give up now, I can’t carry on living like this but I don’t know how I give up - I don’t know how I stop thinking about it?
Will throwing out all of the saved baby items help? I just don’t know.

Im very low and considering going to the gp about depression, but equally I know it all stems from so desperately wanting a baby and they will palm me off with medication as before which isn’t going to help in the long run.
I feel very alone, I don’t have many friends so I don’t feel like I can really talk about it to anyone other than my husband.

The few people who are aware just tell me to stop thinking about it and I feel nobody understands.

I just wondered if anyone has been in my place and can give me any advice. I know some people have it worse, but people also have it better so please try not to judge me.
Thank you so much if you’ve got this far.

Hi @Polkadots458 I don't have any advice for you but wanted to let you know that you aren't alone and say I am sorry for your loss.
I had a second loss in August last year and I am waiting to move onto cycle 8 of ttc now, it feels very hard as each cycle passes, and like you I have pregnant family members and also friends who fell pregnant at similar times who now have babies. I'm not ready to give up yet but feel very frustrated and disheartened not knowing why the other times I concieved easily but this time it's different, I am now worrying about my age.
The advice of stop thinking about it is so very unhelpful, and unrealistic as when you want something this badly it's impossible not to think about x

Yes I know how you feel it took 3 years ttc for my first. I never thought I’d be a mum, thought my body didn’t work properly etc etc
the year I actually conceived I had ovulation timing at the back of my mind but I had completely distracted myself, started a new career move and threw myself into that.
i stopped being devastated at seeing my period arrive, instead it was more a ‘oh well’
i didn’t use any fertility things that I had, I just had sex if we fancied and in the end it did work when the time was right.
I understand the desperation you feel. You are very young and the chances are you WILL conceive a sibling for your child, every age gap has its pros and cons, the older they are the more they will be able to help you out and be the doting big sister/brother. My youngest is 9 and I’m ttc a sibling!
good luck and keep going ❤️ your body knows what it’s doing just keep with it

I’m really so sorry for your losses. Thank you for replying, to both of you. I really appreciate it. It’s such an unbelievably lonely time and such a huge struggle.
I wish you both luck. Thank you again

Hi Op

Firstly so sorry for your loss, I feel like I was reading my exact story, my second miscarriage was in July last year my daughter will be 3 in June and not a hint of a positive test since then. Something shifted in me over the new year if I'm honest I binned the ovulation tests (demon sticks I call them) deleted my apps and said to myself physically that if she is my one and only then how lucky am I, I also have two teenage stepsons who are with us a fair amount so safe to say I have enough on my plate as it is...yet still that longing for a second baby lingers in my mind all the time, my husband and I are early thirties fit and healthy I ovulate periods I can time to a clock everything's there it's just...not happening.

So I haven't given up so to speak I think you need serious willpower but what we have agreed is to give it until September doing what we like no more timing sex etc and if still nothing I will be booking in for a private consultation with a clinic not sure if that road Is for me but it's given me space in my head. Meanwhile I have booked loads of stuff to do with my girl this year and our older two as well as days out for just me and husband and friends I've basically filled my diary up.

I listened to a podcast with Georgia Kousoulou on it the other day where she sadly spoke about the loss of her second pregnancy and how she's been trying since but she's seen someone who said her body has just shut off a bit to pregnancy for now and I sometimes wonder if that's the case for me.

As for people who say "just relax" or one person said to me "I didn't even have to think about all this stuff I just got pregnant! Stop thinking about it" honestly they can all FUCK OFF. I like to think one day the penny will drop for them and they will realise how awful that is to hear.

One more point op about the sibling thing I have now put that out of my mind and focus on the advantages of being an only not that my daughter is but you know the age gaps and all, and if another baby is to be I actually think a 3/4 year age gap probably would suit me better as I am a stresshead. One of my colleagues has a 5 year age gap due to losses and said it couldn't have worked out better.

Sincerely wishing you all the best please don't lose hope and remember you are not alone xxx

Sorrry for your loss. I’d really consider some private counselling if you can, look for someone with a specialty in fertility. I think you need to focus on your own mental health for now. And be firm with your DD that not everyone has a sibling.

Hello
just wanted to say I feel similar and ttc was taking over my mind constantly. We've been trying for our second baby for nearly a year with one early miscarriage in October. My son was 2 in December but really wanted them close together but that seems a far away dream now. Our first boy was conceived with IVF but I didn't have periods then and I do now.
I've kept all his clothes from a baby because I know in my heart we want another baby.
We aren't giving up as such but I'm trying not to focus on it too much.
Ive found a new focus- the gym. I've been going quite a bit and putting my energy and anger /frustration into exercise has helped sooo much. I'm not really a sporty person but it's been my saviour.
I would say you need to find a new "obsession" whether that's a hobby, a new sport, the gym, a club. Just something to put your energy into. Xxx

I am very sorry for all that you have gone through and for how sad you are.
You are still so young.
In theory you’ve still got many possible fertile years ahead of you.
Have you considered stopping ‘trying’ and just giving your body a little break and just seeing what happens next?
I know the gap between siblings would be greater.
I really don’t want to offend or upset you. I just feel you’re very young to give up on something you want so much.

Hi. Im so sorry for your loss. I’ve had 3 miscarriages, the last nearly 5 years ago now. I think my age helped with accepting having to stop. I’m 44 now and my youngest is 10.
It’s been a long lonely journey but I’m doing ok now. Everyone has different opinions on age and pregnancy but for me I feel I’m too old now. I wish it could have been different and I’ll never know why we could conceive after the 3rd loss. I had 6 months of treatment and even that didn’t work. Just wasn’t meant to be.

Anya Sizer's book Fertile thinking was really helpful for me in dealing with the mental rollercoaster of TTC - it has a chapter on how to approach thinking about when to stop.

I've not been through miscarriages so possibly not comparable but after 5 years of secondary infertility I felt I needed to stop going through that monthly cycle of disappointment - I was also mid 40s by then and aware pregnancy was getting riskier, so I chose the IUD as part of HRT. Yes it was sad on the day but putting a definite full stop to trying, without the monthly reminders of not being pregnant, allowed me to move on.

I hope.you find your own peace however you find it.

Dont really have great advice but wanted to give you a viral hug 💐

After our eldest we had 4 miscarriages before I naturally conceived twins. Before this I also got pregnant with a girl that was so severely disabled we had to end the pregnancy. It literally broke my heart and for a while I thought I would never be OK again. It’s a lonely journey especially when you have friends and family announcing pregnancies and births. Although I never completely lost hope I started to accept there might never be a sibling and our son would be an only child.. I clearly remember the moment I just let it go. For us there would have been many advantages to having only one. I focused on the possibility of being able to take our boy to nice restaurant, exciting trips we could not afford (or want to do!!) with more than one, pricey activities etc. Basically fun things we wouldn’t be able to do if we had more. Your daughter make be asking for a sibling now and sure it’s lovely but it’s also hard to share mummy and daddy. I feel incredibly fortunate to have my children and I can’t imagine it otherwise, but I know life with just our eldest would have been lovely too ♥️♥️♥️ best of luck and hope you can find something else to put your energy into.

ps as someone mentioned therapy was also a BIG help for me, and finding a new “thing”. I started evening classes at a college x

I got pregnant right away with our first but mc. It took us 2.5 years to succeed again and it was frustrating and depressing. I could see and feel me being so obsessed with TTC was coming between us so I just had to let go. I started doing little things again like wear sexy underwear/make up/few drinks when getting ready etc to stay in the moment and to seduce my DH because I was in the mood (I knew I was on my fertile days but I didn't let myself think of that). I started doing other things to have something else to think about and also bought some other supplements to try in case they made a difference. I realised I was able to tell when I am ovulating without testing so I dropped testing completely which helped my mental health a lot.

Hi OP

I can understand how you feel. We have been TTC our 2nd for 8 months. Whilst I have not experienced a MC my son (now 3) has had health issues resulting in open heart surgery and kidney surgery. It wasn't until he was 2-2.5 we felt ready to try -before this I swore I wouldn't have more children due to the fear of a repeat situation and now it almost feels like karma.

I don't know why it has to be this hard but I too have started to focus on my son. I became so snappy and impatient and none of it was his fault. When he turned 3 I realised I had spent the best part of a year feeling sad and then it's like it clicked that my baby was growing up and I need to focus on what I already have.

I still find the two week wait horrible and I haven't given up yet. It's so hard when it's all you can think about. Husbands/partners try their best but it's our body and we are watching all the symptoms.

I had DS after having ICSi. We decided that we didn’t want anymore fertility treatment so he was going to be our only baby. When he was one I got pregnant naturally. Obvious we were delighted but I had a MMC at 8 weeks. It was devastating. Like you, everyone else was pregnant but me. So we tried again (as it seemed we could do it naturally after all!) and I got pregnant again a year later. I had another MMC at 7 weeks. At this point, we decided enough was enough. We wanted another baby but it just wasn’t meant to be. We had spent so long trying to get pregnant and stay pregnant and I didn’t want our lives to be just about that. So I took control, joined a gym etc As soon as we decided that, I relaxed and within a month I was pregnant. This time it was DD who is now 16.

I don’t really have any advice to share other than my experience. As soon as I let it go, I was pregnant. I don’t know how you can actually relax but if you can find a distraction it might just work. Good luck 🤞

I am so sorry. I have no words of wisdom, because I have been you and gone a bit mad with it. I have had many rounds of ivf, I have spent at least 100k, I have really stretched my mental health to breaking. All in pursuit of babies.

I have 2 children, 7 and 1. I would so love another. I think I would do it all again for my two children, but I am not sure I can do any of it again now I have them.

My baby is 1. I find myself craving another bump, another newborn. But when I remind myself what I have been through. I just cuddle this wee one and tell myself I need to suck up every bit of her, because there won't be another.

Still can't even consider ditching things.

@Smartiepants79 Thank you. I don’t want to give up, there’s just part of me that feels such intense sadness about it all and I’m just struggling.
Im also told so much by people that when they gave up, they got pregnant. But I honestly don’t know how to give up.

@Foodfoodfoodfood Thank you for your reply and for sharing your story. I’m so so sorry for your losses. I just try to let it go, I try and concentrate on other things but the thoughts are always there and I just don’t know what to do about it. It only takes a soft play trip or park trip and seeing playing siblings, and it’s pushed to the front of my mind again. Thank you so much for being so honest.

@Fairy0708 Thank you. A lot of what you have said is very relevant to me. I constantly feel like I’m missing out on my child because I’m so obsessed with having another. I get to a point where I’m okay in the month, and then someone will announce a pregnancy and I feel like I’m back to square one. I wish you so much luck and hope it’s your time really soon.

@Runningforcheesecake Thank you. I’m so sorry for your losses. I’ve heard this so much - that letting go is what helped conception due to less stress. It’s just that part I struggle so much with! I mentally just don’t know how to let go. I don’t test anymore for ovulation as I’m like clockwork and I know the signs. I think perhaps I might take up swimming again in the evenings - so you’ve inspired me to just try something else. Thank you again.

@Snugglemonkey Im so sorry to hear your story, but so happy to hear you have two beautiful children. I just don’t want my child growing up ‘alone’ and being ‘alone’ in adulthood if that makes sense. I have siblings myself and it’s always been so great to have them.

Maybe I just need to try to let go, to still try but to just also focus my mind elsewhere. My husband reminds me the times I got pregnant quickly before I was never worried about it (very luckily I know) so little stress, but since my miscarriage I’ve only been worried and stressed about it all, and it’s been my whole focus.
I really honestly appreciate every single reply, you’ve all made me feel less alone so thank you.

Reading your updates, it doesn't seem to me that you're ready to give up TTC, and that's ok.

If you decide to give up, it will be when you've made your peace with the fact that this path isn't right for you. Otherwise, you'll never actually be able to put it out of your mind.

In the meantime, it sounds like you've got a wonderful living daughter to love already, along with step children, partner, plus your whole network. I found it helpful to focus on how very fortunate I already was, and enjoy the moment.

I've been through the journey of giving up TTC. It's a grieving process, for an idea or wish or plan that you very much had for your life.

I too had a 4 year old conceived quickly when we were trying for no 2. I was so stressed, colanders, apps, ovulation sticks, thermometers the works! In the end I went to a private gyno and he suggested some bloods and then to start a drug next cycle (clomid I think- I have pcos) I know it’s a cliche but because the ball was rolling and I thought that was the answer I ditched all the sticks etc and waited for the next cycle to comence treatment- which never came cuz I fell naturally when I had forgotten about it!