Trigger warning: Trying to conceive again after third trimester loss.

[Ella31]

Coming on here for a bit of encouragement and reassurance.

I've posted on here a lot about my loss in November but now being 4 months post loss I am looking for a bit of reassurance.

Just to recap. In November, I was nearly 30 weeks pregnant with my beautiful identical twin boys. My scan 4 days earlier was perfect. But unfortunately that few days later due to limited movement I went to hospital where my husband and I world fell apart.

We were told one of our boys heart had stopped and he would be stillborn and I would need an emcs to deliver my other boy quickly.

Our other baby was delivered, and despite being critically ill, needing blood transfusions, resuscitation he pulled through that night. We couldn't hold him though. We watched him and told him how much we loved him through his little incubator.

I really hoped it would be a miracle story but unfortunately on day 4 of his life, he suffered a serious haemorrhage and sadly the next day we had to make the horrible decision to let him go. We finally got to hold our beautiful baby as he passed away in our arms with his gorgeous twin brother beside him, waiting.

Here I am almost 5 months later. We have been given the all clear to try again. I'm 33 and so afraid it won't happen again for us. The ironic thing is, it was a freak rare condition that robbed us of my sons. My tests are clear and my docs have no doubt I'll conceive again. But I'm so afraid I won't, that something inside me has broken. Plus my age at 33 I feel worried.

I miss my boys so much and maybe that's why I'm writing tonight - fear, sadness, uncertainty..thanks very much for anyone who got this far.

I’m so sorry for your terrible, terrible loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what you’re going through. Be kind to yourself and I wish you so much luck with trying again.

I can't offer much, but I couldn't not reply to your eloquent but heartbreaking post. You've been through a genuine nightmare, and I can't imagine how terrifying trying to conceive again must feel. You will always love your boys and a piece of them will always be with you. I truly hope you manage to gift them a sibling as beautiful as it sounds like they both were. But take your time, do what feels right at a time you feel comfortable, and make sure you have the support you need and deserve xx

I'm so sorry for your loss. You've suffered something devastating, and it would be completely understandable to feel worried and even sad trying again. Just try to be kind to yourself and take each day as it comes and try not to put yourself under any pressure.
33 is young, you have time. I hope you go on to have a healthy and happy pregnancy.

Oh I'm so so sorry. How awful. I can somewhat imagine your pain, to a lesser extent, I was 20 weeks when I gave birth to my sleeping boy and it broke my heart. I'm so sorry you had to not only go through that once but twice with the false hope in between.

Your fears are valid, it's the natural reaction to be scared to go through it again. I actually fell pregnant again very quickly, I hadn't even had a period, I just desperately wanted to be pregnant again. To be honest it happened so quickly but I wasn't ready and I found the pregnancy very, very hard. It was constant worry. I just knew I wasn't going to end up with a baby in my arms. I knew I'd lose this one too.

Except, I didn't. He is here and he is healthy and he is upstairs asleep in bed. My 'gut feelings' that I was so sure were right were just anxiety. He doesn't replace my boy that I lost, but he's gorgeous and he has helped me heal.

So sorry, and rest in peace to your boys x

I remember your previous post op. Your fear and worry is so relatable. There are so many mixed emotions trying again after loss. Hope and fear all mixed together with grief and sadness. Keep talking, allow yourself to feel what ever it is you are feeling, the good and the bad.

My ‘rainbow’ pregnancy physically was fine, but mentally was the hardest thing I’ve done, second to burying my child. But when I held my happy healthy baby in my arms, it was so worth it. My love was overwhelming, and thankfully didn’t take away from the love of my child that died.

Op, no one can promise you an easy ride, but we can promise you our understanding ears. You are not alone in this journey, there will be others who have walked this path before you, and others who are doing so as the same time. Wishing you the most boring pregnancy ever!

I'm so sorry for your loss 💐. You've been through so much. I had success after losses after finding I had a medical issue and much much older than you. Most people can if they try again but it's hard isn't it as you've experienced a huge loss. Lean on people as much as your can and hold your husband close and be so gentle and kind to yourself. Xx

I'm so sorry about your beautiful boys. My first baby was stillborn at 39 weeks, I was 36. I did go to to have two other children.
both pregnancies were really hard mentally, never quite believing I'd actually take them home. I wish you all the luck. Take care.

Thank you all for your beautiful stories of loss and hope. It really means a lot.

Sending you hugs and so many good wishes . Fingers crossed that you conceive soon. Your heart will always miss your boys, but your next baby will help you to heal.

Not quite as fall along as you but I lost my 21W twin girls in April last year due to complications of their MCMA. It was always an incredibly stressful high risk pregnancy:

I am now 20 weeks and some change with another baby - in fact, Saturday will be the equivalent time that I lost my twins. There has been zero stress with this pregnancy and I’ve felt content and confident during the entire thing. Hopefully she is born well.

I think with twins it’s always a hard risk and that there are so many less worries with a singleton. My only concern this pregnancy was not having twins again so once that was confirmed I’ve felt relieved and it’s been rather non eventful. It took us about 6 months to move through the grief enough to try for another baby but there’s no set time.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My babies shared a placenta too, but not a sack. they died from twin to twin transfusion syndrome. I'm sure you would have been very aware of that condition. It's a terrible loss but I'm happy you are pregnant again. I go from wanting twins again to not wanting them but I know the risks it brings. I just never thought we'd lose them. I was 6 weeks away from planned section. So close. I know my grief is nowhere near sorted but I can't waste time. I'm so afraid that was my only chance. And at the same time when I look at my babies, so perfect, it just tears me apart that they look like they are asleep but they are gone.