BFN disappointment

[Unicornsparklez]

Just need a space to rant really 😩

CD37 TTC #1 for 4 years now. Under fertility. All tests failed to find any abnormality except partners morphology was lower end at 4% but consultant was not concerned.

We've had 2 failed IUI now and we are entitled to 1 more IUI before 1 funded round of IVF. As the last 2 IUI failed we have discussed skipping the final IUI and going straight to IVF as the success rates are around 10-15% for IUI but 60-65% for ivf. I don't know if I can't put myself through another IUI.. the injections, all the internal scans etc just to fail again but if we go straight to IVF and that fails we aren't allowed to go back and use the IUI we didn't use. I don't want to regret not using every option we have although consultant did recommend since the first two failed we should consider moving straight to IVF now.

All the stress and emotion had taken its toll so we've had a few months off it all. DTD when we naturally felt like it as opposed to when we 'had to'. This month I've found myself at CD37 with no AF yet. I've been so uncomfortably bloated, lower back ache, nausea. I try not to symptom spot but I stupidly started to get my hopes up that a miracle had happened and we had done it on our own. I didn't want to test because it's always the same, negative after negative, but I was at work this morning, SO emotional I was tearing up over nothing. I got sent home to have a 'reset' day. I decided to pop to supermarket and buy some cheap Clear & Simple strips. I can't justify spending for decent tests when the result is always the same. I had told myself - 'just do the test, see the negative, and get over it'. As suspected the test is a total BFN not even a hint of colour for a second line. I had allowed myself to believe there could be the smallest chance and now I'm angry at myself for getting my hopes up and honestly just wallowing in my own misery.

I needed somewhere I could just air my anger at life and how unfair it can be so if you got this far thank you for lending your ears (or in this case your eyes ha) and baby dust to you all! ✨ May you all have better success than I have had!!

Here to sympathise. Not the same as we're TTC #2 (unexplained secondary infertility), so I won't pretend I know exactly what you're going through, but I do find it hard not to just blame myself.

We're about to go for IUI next month and I got myself worked up this morning doing a test as I've been super emotional this week (which is unusual for me just before my period – I tend to get it right after ovulation when my oestrogen plummets) and it was a BFN. Stupid period isn't even here yet, so I can't even plan provisional dates for the IUI, scans and tests yet because I don't have my next cycle predictions.

Thanks for the reply! With regard to IUI the only advice I'd give is to prepare for the internal scans. I foolishly thought the scans were external but all scans are internal until 8 weeks of pregnancy. You have to have the first scan before CD5 so you're still on your period. I waltzed into my appointment with a tampon in and got a rude awakening when I got asked to remove my bottoms and if I was allergic to latex 😩 I had to go bathroom and remove it for the scan! I can laugh about it now and I'm used to having them as you have to have them every couple of days so they can check how you're responding to the injections and can decide if they're going to trigger or not. They've decided I have a lazy left ovary as both IUI cycles I only had 1 follicle on my right side. My left didn't respond at all. As I took the contraceptive pill for the best part of 15 years they think it's caused my left ovary to 'forget' its job.

I've had my moment to vent this morning and a bit more in the head space of 'it is what it is' but definitely had a moment of belief that we could have succeeded this month which in hindsight is wild after so many months of failure! We will get our turn! 🤞🏼