Stopping IVF

[justemoi1983]

Hi everyone,
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 7 years - one trying naturally, plus six going through the IVF process. Every step has taken a long time, but the upshot is: I've had a series of fibroid/endometriosis-related operations and two attempted egg retrievals, both failures. A friend donated her eggs, and we managed to get 7 frozen embryos. I've had two failed transfers, both with unexplained bleeding (the first time really extreme), and my third attempt was cancelled outright before I even started the progesterone because of more unexplained bleeding. I'm 40, and my husband is 53. I think we're done. I am gutted, but I'd like to hear from others who made this decision. What came next for you? How did you put an end to that dream? What did you turn to instead? Thanks for reading.

I'm very sorry to hear what you've been through, it's soul destroying ❤️

I'm due to start my final ivf round in April. We've been ttc just over 6 years and had 6 pregnancy losses (4 natural, 2 ivf). We are doing 3 cycles but it's not going well and we may only have an average day 3 embryo at the end of all this.

So we're going to stop after the April cycle. I'm done, I'm burnt out and my mental health is crashing again (I had a breakdown in 2022 after a 9 month slog of ivf and cancelled cycles). My heart isn't in it as it once was. And I don't have any hope anymore.

We won't pursue other options to parenthood, so will live childfree. I'm looking forward to the relief of not living in uncertainty any more.

So, although I'm not quite there yet, you're not alone in walking away. Lots of love x

Hi op, we had similar. TTC for 10 years. 6 MC, several rounds of ICSI and I knew I needed to stop putting myself through it. I also chose 40 as my cut off.

It was like a weight lifting from me. No more constant monitoring every little twinge in my body, counting days to ovulation then doing many test until AF arrived (I was a pregnancy test addict!)

My DH struggled to accept being childless more than I did but we both went through what I can only describe as a grieving process for the child and life that we assumed we'd have but never would.

We got a dog! Yes we are that stereotype! But he's wonderful 😊
My husband started doing a weekly podcast about his favourite sport which gives him focus and a hobby.
Most of my friends kids are now school age so I see my friends again more for coffee or dinner.
DH and I go on lots of weekends away.

I'm 45 now and have got to the stage where I've accepted being childless and am enjoying the freedom (and disposable income!) it gives me.
You'll find your way op. Life on the other side is good 😊

I just want to say that I’ve been there and I really feel for you.
Infertility is hard for a number of reasons the two worst for me were the deep sadness/grief I experienced and being judged as ‘other’ by a lot of women.
For me the sadness is still there it’s a slight shadow in my otherwise bright life but at the time it was desperately sad and I regret not being more open about this with friends and family. You will need support so seek it iut from the people who love you.
As I’ve got older (I’m in my late 40s) most of my friends have children who have left home (or are at uni) and children aren’t the focus anymore in the way they were 10 years ago or so.
Over the next year be kind to yourself. Find a good therapist who understands infertility. There was another world out there for me to thrive in it just took me a while to find it.

I did less than you, but started much later. Decided we couldn't do it again.

We also got a dog - to at was actually a long held dream of mine and it has helped me but of course wouldn't help everyone.

We also went through a period of grief for the babies we didn't have and the life we thought we would have.

You will find a way through. One point I would note is don't put pressure on yourself to enjoy your "freedom" and "more disposable income" and "holiday opportunities". Being child free doesn't mean your life has to be constantly amazing. It will continue to have ups and downs and some days you will want to be lazy and not "take advantage of the new opportunities".

I wish you well and I am sorry you have had such a difficult time. You will need to give yourselves a lot of space to process what has happened cumulatively and to grieve. There are different opportunities out there but they don't need to come immediately and I think you should take time to heal and slowly start to look at life and see what it could look like through this new lens x

Thanks so much, everyone. Your kind responses make me feel less alone.

Hi ladies, I know this thread is a couple of months old, but I find myself in the same position as OP, and trying to make a decision about our future.

Very long story short, we have been TTC for 4+ years, 2 of those years have been spent doing IVF. 2 NHS cycles with no embryos, and a 3 cycle private package that resulted in 5 embryos. My first transfer resulted in a missed miscarriage (which absolutely broke me). I did my final round of the package which resulted in no more embryos to add to the ones we had from cycle 1 and 2. We then decided to test the 4 we had in storage - one embryo that was a day 3 didnt make it to day 5, the 3 day 5's we had were PGT tested and 2 came back normal. We did our second transfer in January and third in May, both which failed.

I am so stuck between my head and my heart. My head says stop, I can't do it anymore, I have really struggled with my mental health throughout, self blame, hate, guilt etc, all the good ones. My partner is amazing but I also feel bad I am so miserable all of the time. I also know a lot of my relationships with friends have suffered. I have never felt further apart from most of them - they either have kids and their husbands are having the snip, or they don't want children. People mean well and I know the "it might happen naturally" does happen, but for the 1 person it does, there are many many others it doesn't. And I've spent 2 years trying naturally and its soul destroying.

My heart says keep going though, and is so sad at the thought of not being a mum, its all I have ever wanted and I have been maternal ever since I can remember. The fact that I am having to make this sort of decision is breaking my heart, it all just seems so unfair.

Any wise words on how to move forward. I don't know how to make the decision and it feels like so much pressure. I know my OH would support me whatever I feel is right. I know he would like to stop, but if I wanted to he would keep going. We have a follow up with the Consultant in a few weeks but I would like to have a bit of a clearer head by then.

Sending love to you all xx

OP here. I'm so sorry you're going through this, LostLily88 - your journey sounds like a really tough one. I hope you have someone to talk to about those feelings of guilt and blame. It's not your fault that this is happening to you. And it is unfair that you have to make these hard decisions.

I can only tell you what I've decided to do, and that is: wait. The process has been so incredibly drug out for us that it feels like every time the clinic says we can do a transfer we should - we're so much older than I hoped we'd be when we welcomed a baby. But I can't right now. I need a few months for my body to be mine, and for other concerns to take the place of the IVF ones. I need some time to imagine multiple futures: as foster parents, as a mentor to kids in a different way, as a person with time for a more ambitious career trajectory, as an artist. I don't know that any of those futures are really satisfying to me right now, or that they fill the ache of wanting a child. But I've found it helpful to give myself space to imaginatively create them and to think about what values I'm expressing when I talk about wanting kids and how I might access those values in other ways.

But I haven't closed the door yet either. In fact, I think it's likely that we'll do one more round and then call it quits. I guess I'm thinking of this time as giving my body and my heart a rest, while also doing a little preparation for what is likely on the other side (ie: a life without a child). We had committed to three transfers with our current embryos, and right now I think I feel like I want to honour that if I can. But maybe I can't. I'm trying to allow myself a grace period to decide without too much pressure.

One more thing: at one point, I really thought that if I didn't have closure (a hard "yes" or "no") I would lose my mind - like I needed to grieve NOW rather than dragging it out further. But waiting is working for me - I'm enjoying not having to think about IVF all the time. I just want to say that if it doesn't work for you - if you are where I thought I was a few months ago - it is OK to decide that the waiting is too much and you are done. My clinic has been very bad at acknowledging this, so I just wanted to say it outright in case that's where you are.

I'm not sure whether any of this will land or help, but I am thinking of you. I hope that you find comfort in whatever you decide whenever you decide it.

Thank you so much for your lovely response, I so appreciate it, very much. Finding this quite a lonely place to be so to know someone else understands (sadly, I hate others are in the same position too) makes me feel less alone.

I am very lucky to still speak to my NHS provided fertility counsellor who is amazing and super supportive so I do have her to talk to, and my partner. Sometimes it feels like a burden if I talk about it all the time.

I have days where I just want this epiphany which I don’t think is going to happen. But I think I am probably the same as you, I need the break 100%. Whether that’s for the summer or longer, it needs to be done. IVF has become so all consuming and the fact our clinic is 6 hours away the time spent organising logistics, appointments, travel etc is so exhausting. It’s really taken a toll on every physical and mental aspect of my health so I think we just need to try and enjoy the summer.

It sounds like you have some nice ideas in regards to what a future could potentially look like. I need to do the same. Perhaps a career change. But I am going to try and heal my heart a bit, enjoy quality time with my partner.

I am so sorry your clinic sound pushy and not very understanding of the break. Up to this point my clinic have been good. I took
quite a few months break after our MMC. I think also similar to you, we may do one more round but right now the thought of
being away from home for that long tires me. We spoke prior to the last transfer about doing it again if it didn’t work, which helped ease the pressure off given it was our last embryo. But the reality of that is harder to find the energy right now.

Thank you again, I am thinking of you also and I hope that you too find comfort in the times ahead x

I thought I would update this post just in case anyone stumbles across it and finds it helpful.

As I hinted at above, I took several months away from IVF and then did one more cycle. We found out last week that it failed. This was heartbreaking news, and I'm only now starting to feel like I'm not 100% consumed by it (though I'm still finding it hard to focus on other things - it's so early, and I'm still grieving).

This cycle felt different from other ones I've done. I'm 41 now, and I realized as I went through the motions that I no longer believed that my body was capable of this. There have been too many unexplained complications, and I just suddenly felt like I had been given a definitive answer and heard it. I don't know why that was true with this cycle and not the last one, but the upshot was that the only "good" news in the horrible news that the cycle had failed was that I wouldn't spend the next many months waiting for the other shoe to drop. I felt in tune with my body and clear about its limitations.

So now we're officially on the other side of things. I still have a few embryos, but after going through the lengthy legal process of known donor egg donation we're not prepared to enter into another process with a surrogate. I've researched adoption and we do have an appointment with a caseworker, but that's just to make sure that my understanding of things is correct - from what I currently understand about the system where we live (not in the UK), I don't think it's for us.

I don't know what this means for my life, other than that I'll be childless. I have a happy marriage and a job I really like, though my current contract is about to expire. I have hobbies and a very cute dog, and I volunteer and have creative pursuits. I am very grateful for all of those things, but none of them have or feel like they can fill this big hole that infertility has left. Then again, a hole is also space for something new. Along with my confidence in my body's limitations, I'm also embracing the idea that not having this leaves me available to be called to something else - whether that is "mothering" other people's children or having time for my aging parents or some other thing that I can't predict now but that would have been less possible if I was tending to a child of my own. That doesn't mean I'm not incredibly sad - sadder than I can remember being in my life. I'm grieving a new lost experience many times a day - basically every time I see a parent with a child and a bunch of other times in between. I'm also so eager to rush it along - I find myself making big plans that I don't even really want to pursue (like moving or dramatically changing jobs) just because sitting with the hole feels so exhausting. But beneath all of that, there is this faint, almost imperceptible glimmer of potential. That's what I'm holding onto these days.

❤️ @justemoi1983 thank you for coming back to update. I've just seen it. I'm sorry the last cycle didn't work. I can resonate a lot with what you shared. I'm just gearing up to transfer our final embryo, I don't think I believe my body can do it anymore. I just looked backed to when I last posted and so much has changed. I don't feel desperate about our future and I genuinely feel okwith living childfree, which I think only happened because I had an enforced break. I'm just doing the last cycle to walk away and draw a line under everything.
Sending you much love xx