Just a safe space to breath (aka rant)

[TheGoldPombear]

I want to start this by saying I dont want to be insensitive to anyone and I know everyone's journey is their own however...

I think I just need a safe space to vent and talk about my worries and frustrations without any judgement. Isn't it odd that back at school they made conception sound like if you even sneeze near the opposite sex then that was it. But now in reality there is so much more that goes into it. To hear that even if you are completely healthy and everything there is still only a 25% chance is wild to me. Additionally, the hoops that people have to jump through to get fertility testing is crazy.

It also makes me think of everyone who got pregnant after a one night stand how are they timing it just right where as people who use OPKs are missing the window.

I guess there isnt really a question. I may just come to this thread and update it everytime I want to rant freely. Feel free to do the same xo

I'm in the same head space, frankly I'm fucking furious.

I had a big breakdown this morning. We're on cycle 15, I'm 12DPO, AF due tomorrow and got a BFN. I feel helpless and heartbroken. I've no clue if I should keep hope or accept that I'm out this month. People very close to us went through the same thing, know all about our struggles and they're now having a baby. They haven't even bothered to check in, we've had a couple of comments of telling us to try some absolutely ridiculous things and that's it. All is forgotten, no shits given, no seeing how we're doing, not even one sodding unrelated message asking us how we are in general and I'm furious at them. The doctor's shit, I feel like I'm broken, like this is never going to happen, like I want to scream at everyone. My anxiety is sky high and I have to drag myself through every fucking 2WW trying to stay calm and I'm at the complete end of my tether. I DESPISE TTC.

@MademoiselleFrenglish Sorry to hear how you're feeling. Its definately hard to be happy and also upset at your own situation. Sorry to hear you feel a bit abandoned in this but hopefully this is something that you will be able to leave behind you soon.

I think I just didnt think it would be like this all the planning and getting timings just right the amount of money wasted on tests. I've even considered buying my own ultra sound machine just to see whats going on for myself. In the TWW myself now so we will see how this goes.

I am angry that we never got any proper education on our fertility at school. I imagine not much has changed. We were taught that if you look at a penis you get pregnant. Now, at the age of 40, i am finally learning this is rubbish.
Girls should be educated with facts and truths.
Knowledge is power.
I believe this rubbish is spewed out in sex ed so girls don't decide to go around having loads of unprotected sex, which is of course what we would all do at the age of 14 if we knew we wouldn't get pregnant. 🙄

The other thing I would like to rant about is the crap doctors, nurses, medical professionals spew out about fertility. Basically you're done for after 35.

"The data on which that statistic is based is from 1700s France. They put together all these church birth records and then came up with these statistics about how likely it was [someone would] get pregnant after certain ages."

"I think that doctors who give blanket advice to populations… are making all sorts of presumptions," says leading fertility expert Prof Lord Winston. "We eventually find out that so much of this advice is spurious and unnecessary and often wrong."

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-24128176

I've heard friends say the same about IVF and the moment 'friends' get pregnant there are no shits given.
I got pregnant naturally at 40, annoyingly we weren't trying (now we are!) and the amount of friends saying 'oh well it wasn't meant to be' or 'just try again' is shocking.

TTC, when taking longer than expected, seems like a fork of torture at times.
Especially of others around you or falling pregnant or you're seeing lots of pregnant bellies / babies.

We tried for 20 months with a missed miscarriage at the start before having DD. Every month I got a bfn I broke down, it's so hard not knowing when or if that baby will come.

What helped me (I think) was getting a HyCoSy test and then being started on clomid. I fell pregnant with DD on month 2 of this. Although I was ovulating by myself, my consultant likened taking clomid as having more "targets" for the sperm. Obviously, it will be different for everyone, but I do wish now that I had tried these things a few months earlier as they were easy to do.

• FORM of torture.

A fork of torture sounds like some medieval device...

@February24 You are so right I am after all these years of misinformtation when do they sit people down and say actually this is the truth. There are so many women having to self educate and put together this clunky version of fertility as no body who spent 6 yrs in education is willing to tell us.

@Alloveragain3 Definately feels like a form of torture, even when you said fork it still feels like that thanks for sharing your expertience with Clomid

I 100% agree. My doctor recently told me that nowadays it's considered quite normal for it to take healthy couples up to 2 years to conceive. I have absolutely no idea if it's bollocks or not (purposely haven't looked into it) but it makes me feel cheated, like I was lied to and set up to fail. And if that's truly the case then why isn't there more information out there? Why is it so difficult to get any medical professional to tell you what to do.. it's only contributing to the sodding human race for god's sake, nothing huge or important 🙄

I do really feel your pain OP.

This is my second time round TTC, first time round 4/5 years ago ended in an ectopic pregnancy, a miscarriage, some chemicals a lot of heartache and a divorce.

This time round, I'm with a new partner, we are just about to go into our 3rd cycle of trying, we also had a few cycles of see what happens. I am exhausted!!

My period was 4 days late this month , so so cruel. I've heard 2 pregnancy announcements already this week and it's only Wednesday!

I am 37, almost 38, overweight and only have 1 tube. I feel the odds are against me and i'm angry with the world.

Thanks for letting my rant x

I actually love the term fork of torture 😂 kinda sums it up!

I’m so so sorry to hear this ❤️ you sound so incredibly resilient and strong.

we had a miscarriage at 8 weeks back in December. At the time I just wanted my body to get through it. Now a few months on it’s really hit me hard and I think everyone thinks I’m ok because it was a few months back.

I actually had the time of the month I’m meant to be fertile as you get your hopes up

I totally get your point, but teenagers need a clear message, and they are very fertile. I understand why schools take the line that sex = pregnancy. I worry if they started caveating too much, they’d be more teen pregnancies..

But it’s not rubbish in sex ed. It’s fact, any unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy.

As the title says this should be a place to rant. It doesn’t need to be derailed by being educated 🙄

trust me I’ve worked with teenage girls for many years and I feel strongly that knowledge is power and that the old trope that teenage girls will go and be ridiculously promiscuous because they are taught the correct information about their bodies is ridiculous.
its unethical to teach women that they will fall pregnant if they even look at a penis

anyone including teenage girls can listen to podcasts such as 28ish days which explains the fertile window. Just because young women hear this doesn’t make them go out and get pregnant.

i don’t really want to come on here to be told off thanks

Only in your fertile window.
what I am saying is that girls need to be taught about their bodies correctly 🤷‍♀️

I feel this! Coming up to a year for us.

Here's my rant;

• I'm sick of being penetrated
• I'm sick of having sex when I don't want to by need to
• I'm sick of hearing about Mother's Day
• I'm sick of planning a week of my life by flashing smiling faces
• im sick of not knowing if I'll ever be a mum
• im sick of feeling left out as all my friends are mums
• im sick of feeling broken
• im sick of being at work I should be off on mat leave by now
• im sick of not buying clothes because "what if im pregnant and they won't fit"
• im sick of the smugness that oozes off people telling you they conceived first time, like they've won a race or award
• I'm sick of my life being on pause
• I'm sick of being depressed

Im just over it

Hugs to everyone on this shitty journey

@AlienSuperstar similar but slightly different story here - 2.5 years TTC with my ex ending in missed miscarriage at 11 weeks (totally broke me as I didn't even know that was a thing), followed by marriage breakdown and divorce around 4 years ago.

TTC with my current partner for 6 months, ending in MMC at 10 weeks in July last year. Now in cycle 8 of trying again. Pregnancy announcements left, right and centre. Even those I know who sadly have also had losses have got pregnant quicker and now had a pregnancy that has stuck. Happy for them after loss but so exhausted and upset for me at the same time.

The whole thing is horrible - me and my current partner had a long, long chat about even trying to have kids as I had a lot of hungover trauma from the time TTC with my ex, clearly we decided to go ahead and I feel like I'm regretting it. It's sucking so much joy out of life. But if you don't do it there's no other option to have a baby (as in physically have one yourself). And yes we're looking at whether adoption might be suitable but it's quite frankly just shit that it has to come down to that.

Thanks for the thread, it feels cathartic being able to shout about my frustrations.

I had a missed miscarriage. While the EPU were lovely, I was wholly unprepared for how utterly horrific a medically managed miscarriage at home would be.

It’s also written everywhere how fertile you can be after a MC. Not for me.

I feel angry when I see people around me, online, everywhere, getting pregnant & I’m jealous.

I feel alone with how I feel as I expect people to think I’m over it now.
Yet I think about it every minute of the day, about what could have been, and worrying about my fertility & if I will ever become a mum

Some days I’m ok & get through the day fine. Other days I want to scream and shout and cry

I feel this in my soul on so many levels. Every single point. Sending you love xx

@Kp1345 thank you 💓💓

@riverlodge90 that list resonates so much!! The only difference for us is that because my partner has issues finishing from sex, we use home artificial insemination. I'm also fed up of spending money on those kits, and all the vitamins etc. when it feels like it's not ever going to work.

I share your fury.

I'm also so enraged that we were robbed of education of our bodies because the priority was to scare us out of teenage pregnancy.

I hadn't even heard of the luteal or follicular phase until my 30s. Once i understood which phase of my cycle i was in everything made more sense - i could better plan my workouts, anticipate my energy levels and just in general understand my body. That would have been so empowering for teenage me who no doubt. But no no no, can't tell us women that because then we'd realize you CAN'T get pregnant anytime during your cycle.

I rage for the couple of times i took plan b when there would have been 0 chance of pregnancy. Or all the years i spent in fear of a pregnancy that was never going to happen.

That must be tough! It's hard enough doing it for free haha. Hopefully we won't be stuck in this trench much longer. X

I also hadn't heard of the different phases until the past couple of years. Knowing where I am in my cycle has been an absolute game changer on every single front.

I was one of the teens who was put on the pill very young with no discussion whatsoever, so it's only in the past few years since being off it that I've been able to know what the hell was going on with my body and the amount of effort I've had to go through to get the basics is ridiculous.

Teenage girls deserve to know the facts, they do not deserve to be lied to.

@MademoiselleFrenglish 2 years is crazy when initially Ive always believed 3 - 12 months is average. The way these stats change with no information is ridiculous.

@AlienSuperstar It sucks when its late for nothing sorry to hear about the first time round but hopefully you'll be planning your anouncement soon

@February24 I'm sorry to hear this is something you are still dealing with but at the same time its completely understandable feelings like that dont just go away. Please dont let the passage of time make you feel like your feelings arent valid.

@Rosesanddaisies1 I understand but I'd love to see them do a final full version that talks about all the hormones and make it available maybe even on the NHS website for couples who are intersrted so we don't all have to build our own frankenstein understanding.

@riverlodge90 I love that its in bullet point scheduled sex really just takes alot of the fun out. At first its exciting but gets old QUICK. I really feel the sick of being on pause because you dont even realise it but all of a sudden your life revolves around this and everything just stops or becomes less important. I hope you end up on Mat leave soon!!

@moosey89 Sorry to hear what you've been through I can only imagine the heartbreak that would bring, Hopefully this time round you get your rainbow.

@Figtree11 Totally understand alot of the time we just need to go through it with positively but sometimes I want to break a plate and screem. To be honest jealousy is the best word for it because why does it need to be so hard. I hope it does happen for you.

@Kofifi When you mentioned plan b that annoys me too at that point it would have take nothing to just educate a little but if feels like the medical sector are just gagging to put women on more pills

Its crazy how many women feel the same I really thought this was going to be an empty thread where I come from time to time to rant. I hope we can all get off this ttc rollercoaster soon and have our own announcements to give :)

@TheGoldPombear Indeed, it really does seem to change at the drop of a hat for no apparent reason. I'm clinging to 2 years as I'm now at 16 cycles of TTC, so I'll eventually report back.

@riverlodge90 I also agree with being on pause. I didn't realise it at first at all, but then all of a sudden it's "oh we shouldn't agree to that holiday because I might be pregnant" "oh we can't get married then because I might have just given birth". But over a year has come and gone, I could almost have had 2 babies in the time it's taking and it's just not worth planning around what "could be".