Finding it really hard to be happy for newly pregnant friends

[northernsunshine]

I am really struggling at the moment. Just found out another friend is pregnant after I’ve been trying for a year. I get that everyone is different just can feel so lonely. I don’t want to talk to anyone about ttc cos it’s so personal and while I am happy for other people, I’m also quite upset which so isn’t like me at all. Anyone else feel this way?

Yes it’s so hard! A friend of mine has just told me his wife is pregnant they decided to ditch contraception on their honeymoon and they got pregnant immediately!!

One of my husband’s friends has just announced they are about to have their 5th.

I am happy for them but sad for us at the same time.

Yes, very normal. You don't have to be happy for them? But it is hard if your friends don't know it's taking you time to TTC. I've been very open in my friendship group about it, and it really helped, especially when i had a miscarriage.

@Sufac it is so crazy to me how easy it is for some people and how difficult it is for others 😩

@Rosesanddaisies1 have you found your friends to be supportive? I feel like maybe I should open up more but I feel like it might make me feel under more pressure. How long have you been trying for?

Honestly you don’t know what is going on behind closed doors. Everyone has struggles and just because they’re pregnant doesn’t mean their lives are fulfilled.

one friend got pregnant the first time they tried and she had her beautiful boy and only a few months after her life was destroyed when she found out her husband had been cheated for years Another friend is pregnant with a guy who is a binge drinker And another friend fell pregnant so easily but is miserable with her horrible partner.

id rather be with my lovely husband and not have a kid than be in a miserable situation.

my point is not to detract but think of all the positives in your life. You have to be grateful and not bitter of others pregnancies.

I’ve just had a miscarriage, it’s shit and then ttc and not get your hopes up. I get it but I also when I know friends are pregnant just hope they have a healthy pregnancy and are safe.
try and reframe your thoughts.

Sorry should have said be open and talk to your friends x

Yes very hard too.
I feel like a terrible terrible person as I'm struggling to be involved in the happiness.

One friend knows the struggle I've had for 14 months but still sending me scan pictures and chatting about "the nursery" etc.
I don't know how to throw her baby shower. I tear up and panic at the thought.

I'm starting anti depressants tomorrow so hopefully I will be able to pull myself together in the coming weeks.

@Greekmyth thanks, that’s a really good perspective. Just feel like such a misery at the moment and I normally am so genuinely happy for others but each bit of news is getting harder to hear.

I am so sorry to read about your miscarriage. I hope you are ok. Hope you have a good support network around you.

@itsLKtoday I’m sorry that’s so tough 😫 I totally know how you feel. I nearly cancelled seeing a friend on Saturday because I couldn’t face it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be but it is difficult. Is your partner supportive? Feel like mine thinks I’m mad.

Very supportive. And I have friends who have struggled a lot more than me, we’ve all supported each other. It’s been a year now and fortunately I’m now 7 weeks, but I had a late miscarriage last summer. And for my friends who have been pregnant/had babies, they’ve been very considerate

Oh gosh I’m the same. I feel a pain in my chest whenever a new pregnancy is announced, especially after my loss. There’s 4 babies due over 4 months in my family at the moment. June, July, August and September. I’m hoping I’ll add to the babies in 2024 trend in my family before yet another cousin announces that they’re having a baby! Hurts so much hearing about all the exciting things they have planned when I want to be baby shopping for myself , not them. Gosh, I sound bitter. I wish I could reframe my thinking but my urge to conceive is so deep that all I care about at the moment is having a healthy little one myself.

Sorry I’ve rambled on but I just wanted to let you know that you aren’t alone xx

@northernsunshine

Hmmm he is a good bloke and everything but he doesn't truly understand and I know he kinda hates me when I can't be happy for other people.

I had to decline a job offer in November because I can't think about anything other than TTC. It's hard enough to do my existing job week to week.
+
I also asked him to book a vasectomy (sent him the links and everything) because I genuinely can't keep thinking "maybe this month", I couldn't turn off those thoughts if there's even a glimmer of hope each month. That seemed to wise him up a bit as to how serious this is affecting me.

I've been there. You don't have to feel happy for them. You honestly don't, it's ok. Give yourself some grace, name it "I feel sad and jealous, and that makes sense", and then just allow yourself to feel how you feel. It doesn't make you a bad person. Once you can accept your feelings and be gentle to yourself you'll probably find it actually easier to see people. Hopefully your partner can support you even if he doesn't get it,

It's ok to be sad and jealous and bitter for yourself. However, I personally do think it's important to try to separate that from not being happy for them. Consider how you would feel in their shoes if close friends were not happy for you when you are able to announce a pregnancy after all of this time.

Unless you feel able to explain to them why you aren't able to be openly happy for them, it may be better for your friendships to employ your best acting skills. Personally, even if you don't want to tell them the details, I would at least say something along the lines of 'I am really happy for you, I'm just finding it hard to process at the moment because I'm struggling' - not necessarily telling them why you're struggling but leaving it open for them to interpret. However, I would consider adding some detail, as you probably aren't in the headspace where you want every update and scan photo and to be invited to go baby shopping. I think often when women do open up, others feel more able to share their own fertility struggles. We had a woman at work who had a very late MC/early SB. It turned out that there were a couple of women in the team with their own MC losses and they were a great support to her and to each other - her being open helped all of them to grieve.