Mixed messages from partner TTC first time

[DogFan88]

Hi everyone,

Me (35) and my partner (40) are currently TTC which has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster so far. Since coming off the pill I have had very irregular periods. Been tracking my cycles for over a year and they seem to be calming down but still a bit all over the place. Been to the doctors and had an ultrasound to check for fibroids, all clear. So we've been giving it a go since August 23.

My partner has always said he wants children, but is worried about how it will change our lives. We have a busy social life and enjoy meals out/pub etc. I have always been the one initiating conversations about having children. He has been super supportive with my gyno probs and kept reassuring me "I'm sure everything will be fine, I'm sure it wont take long to get pregnant" etc. When we see friends with children he loves to play with them and I love seeing the paternal side come out in him. Even when we're watching TV and a baby comes on screen he will gush and be like "aww look at that baby" etc

However, last week I told him I had got some ovulation tests to help us TTC. I asked him "do u want me to tell you when I'm ovulating or just leave it to chance?" He said "yeah, tell me and I then I can stay the hell away from you haha". I laughed it off at the time but now I'm reading into things so much more. We only "get down" about once a week, and it feels like his libido is getting even lower. We had two bereavements in Dec/Jan so wasn't doing much dirty then, which I understood. Not surprised we're not pregnant yet as not been doing it twice a week which is the guidance.

Guess I just want some more reassurance from him that he actually wants a family with me. But every time I broach a serious conversation he laughs it off with a joke. I love him and our relationship but my mental health is suffering getting anxious about whether what we're doing is right/whether he wants a baby 🍼

Also feel like I'm too old to go and find someone else now if he says he doesn't want a family 😭

Guess I just want some more reassurance from him that he actually wants a family with me. But every time I broach a serious conversation he laughs it off with a joke.

It seems fairly critical before you conceive to be very clear that you both want a child and are committed to raising the child together. Unless you don’t mind being a single parent. Be very clear. Crystal clear.

If he feels ambivalent or uncertain he needs to tell you. If he feels pressured and is afraid to tell you no then that’s not great. Try to talk as clearly and plainly as you are able so that you know your position before you get pregnant.

It’s probably better to have some reservations about becoming a parent than it is to naively think it is all going to be fine. Self doubt is good when making this decision and talking about concerns is important. Talk about what you will do to redress and resolve any concerns, talk about the finances, the support you have, your expectations of responsibility around parenting. Whatever you can discuss and clarify can only help you decide.

Self doubt is good when making this decision and talking about concerns is important.

Thank you for your advice, I agree with you and hopefully I can improve the communication between us. He can be a bit of a closed book sometimes but I feel like we need to get better at talking things through. We have this week off work together so have lots of time.

Is it bad that I feel nervous about having this conversation with him?! I'm worried about what he might say

It seems reasonable to me to be worried that he might express doubts and not want to have a baby, yes. When you want a baby it’s difficult to realise that your partner doesn’t. Finding that out would be an emotional rollercoaster so it’s not unreasonable to be nervous about talking this through.

Mybe try to talk about it here and there rather than “a big conversation” if you are not great at communicating about your wants and needs and plans. I don’t know, just be sure that you aren’t hiding away from reality because you want a child and are frightened of hearing his answer.