Are my feelings normal?

[Biscuits21]

Hi everyone,

I’m new on here so sorry for the lack of abbreviations.

I have been with my boyfriend for 8 years. We now live overseas and have an up and down relationship. Lots of ups but this past year we have argued more than ever and it has made me feel distant from him. I was going back and forth in my mind whether to break up with him but thought after 8 years I want to give it my best effort. We have both been trying to get things back on track, reading up on how to be a good partner etc. I still feel distant but each day I’m trying to move past my negative feelings.

I have wanted a baby for the past few years. We’re both 29 and 30 this year. All of my friends have babies back in England (not that this matters but obviously seeing it all the time put it at the forefront of my mind). My partners parents have been staying with us and keep telling us to ‘get on with it’ and have even bought us a toy for a future baby.

Anyway, after hinting/talking about having sex with a condom off and finally trying for a baby, we finally just had sex without a condom/contraception for the first time in over 8 years.

All of a sudden I thought ‘shit, is this what I actually want’ and a flood of uncertain feelings. Is it normal to have doubts? I think I do want to be with my partner and now probably isn’t the time to be doubting things.

I just haven’t bounced back quickly after the arguing and I have mixed emotions about everything. I don’t feel it’s like the movies where everything is perfect and conception is magical.

I would be grateful if anyone could give me some insight on how they felt when they eventually started trying for the first time, maybe after a period of bad times in the relationship?

Thank you for reading.

Hi OP, firstly I cant believe your partners parents did that- totally weird!
It sounds like you don't want to be with this person if you're questioning it that much. I don't know how you can get past those negative feelings, perhaps you could seek therapy.
It's normal to be unsure about trying for a baby as it's a big step, but not so normal to have already been questioning your relationship in general. To say you 'think' you want to be with him... it should be a 'know'.
I went through a period of separation from my husband when we'd been married for 5 years for almost a year which was my decision at the time. That was 4 years ago and we have a 2 year old now. We were trying for him and I was desperate to have a baby, I wasn't questioning my feelings towards him at all, I knew it was what I wanted.

"My partners parents have been staying with us and keep telling us to ‘get on with it’ and have even bought us a toy for a future baby." This is so so inappropriate and weird. You have no idea if you can even get pregnant. I'd be very cautious about bringing a baby into a relationship with issues. Can you do some couples counselling before you start trying? TTC/pregnancy/potential miscarriage can be very testing to even the best relationship so best to be in a good place. and don't let others put pressure on you, you're pretty young. We've been together 12 years and I'm only pregnant now, so don't feel like that's a factor. And discuss how you'll split finances, work, childcare etc.

Don't stay with him just because you want children. If that's the reason, don't do it. However, it is very normal to have periods where you don't like your partner as much and start questioning if the grass is greener, especially when you've been together so long, moved abroad etc. Sounds like his parents staying with you has been a bit problematic to say the least! But if you are both willing to work on the relationship that sounds promising. Can you take a trip together and try "find each other" again?

Also, I love my DH and our relationship is great but despite that when we first had sex without the condom I completely lost it, even though we'd been talking about it for ages and I really wanted to TTC, I freaked out. It is a potentially life changing moment and understandable to have a wobble. Now we've been trying for quite a while I know I really want a baby, but I think until you start trying it won't feel real/scary. So your feelings are very normal.