Is this normal? Regret or panic?! A sense of knowing?

[ElleBelleLou]

Hello Mumsnet!

Becoming a bit of a regular here, but as a bit of context my DP and I decided 2024 was the year to start TTC Baby#1 again, after 2 MC - one in 2022 and one in 2023.

We were not successful January, and I thought would not have a fair chance this month due to my DP starting a new job requiring him to work away so I didn't bother to track ovulation or think much of it.

However, we managed to DTD entirely spontaneously just once before he went, and as I went to put it on my Flo app I realised it was my day of ovulation.
On that same day, my friend also messaged me to ask if there was any progress on the baby front as she can sense it brewing - she predicted my previous two pregnancies / positive tests so it has really got me thinking.

I'm only 2DPO so absolutely know it is impossible to have any symptoms, as well as know nothing is guaranteed after DTD once on ovulation day.

However, today as I was walking around on my lunch break, out of nowhere this feeling just hit me like 'Oh my god, I am pregnant' and I started absolutely crying my eyes out. I've been at my desk all afternoon holding back tears, just feeling overly emotional and full of dread with no idea why!

I just wondered, is this normal - anyone TTC, have you ever felt regret or fear at the possibility of conceiving? I feel shame even saying that as I know I want a baby, and my partner would be over the moon, but I am terrified. Worrying about something that may not even be a thing.

I don't even know what I am asking but just wanted to get my thoughts out and know if any of this is normal. Going to be a long 2WW.

I think get space alone to yourself and sit with that emotion and explore what you are actually feeling.

If you're pregnant how does this change the outlook for the coming months /years? Who would you tell first outside your husband? Would you have a gender preference, would you even want to know before birth? Would you be nervous about screening tests to identify an anomalies?

How would you feel if your period arrived or you tested negative? How would you feel trying again next month? How would you feel if it took more months than you anticipated to conceive?

These are examples of questions to ask yourself, but you can come up with questions yourself to help identify what you actually feel/want. Good luck either way

Thank you so much for your response @Outliers. I have a (unrelated) therapy appointment tomorrow and I'm wondering if I can explore these feelings in that session and try make a bit more sense of it as well.

The next few months / years wouldn't change at all aside from us having a baby to love. My partner and I are both in stable jobs, financially comfortable and prepared for a baby - we've been prepared for a baby for the last 2 years but it just hasn't happened. Outside of my husband I'd tell my mum, as she would be so, so over the moon and she is a huge support to me. I have no gender preference but DP would prefer a girl - only because he has a DS already. We'd find out the gender before birth. Re screening tests, I'd definitely be happy to have anything we could. My twin sister has a chronic illness that I have the gene for so know we would have some tests just to see if there was anything additional we needed to be aware of there.

I think if my period arrives and I am not pregnant, I'll feel equal parts relieved and equal parts disappointed. Just as now I feel a mix of dread and excitement at the possibility, but absolute fear on top of all. I am 30 next year so know I do still have some time with TTC, but my partner is 36 and I know he does not want to wait too much longer.

Thank you ❤

Anyone else? xx

@ElleBelleLou Sorry to hear you are feeling this way I wonder if it has to do with your previous MC. It sounds to me you are not sad about the possible conception (likely something you want). It sounds more like fear of the possibility that history will repeat. It appears you have had to be very strong over the last 2 years. Pregnancy and MC takes a huge toll both physically and mentally. I feel like that is what is making you feel this way. Do you mind me asking how you dealt with the MC before?

@Anonxo I do think it could be that - I'm so scared of another loss that I suppose I'm panicking before even knowing whether there's anything to lose.

Beforehand, I had a lot of support with my first MC. My partner was amazing, my mum was amazing, my family and work were so understanding. I had to go back to hospital a few times due to retained tissue and I think the medical side of it all made me switch off a little bit. With my second miscarriage, I never told anybody apart from my partner. The loss was horrible - I was on my own bleeding and cramping until it was over. My partner was away and no one else knew to support me.

Today I'm 3DPO, finding myself having a lot more discharge and I keep getting a tightening or crampy feeling to the left near my ovary. I'm part hopeful that these are early symptoms (though I know it's far too early for symptoms really) and part hopeful that it could be ovulation cramps and I ovulated later than thought - so couldn't have conceived. My head is just all over.