How do people keep doing this month after month?

[PinkFlamingo888]

Had my coil out in August and had the stupid idea that I’d get pregnant instantly. 5 months later and I can feel AF’s imminent arrival yet again.

I know some people have been trying for so much longer but it’s so disheartening every single month and I don’t know if I can take the disappointment.

I’ve just turned 30 so I’m still 6 months away from any sort of medical intervention and I just feel as though this will never happen for me. It’s literally all I’ve ever wanted and never even considered the possibility that it might not be something I’m able to do.

How much 'admin' are you doing? I had a few months of just not using contraception and having regular sex, but after a few months I worked out that I'd need to get a bit more boring / structured about it. Tracked my cycle including mucus and other symptoms, bought ovulation predictor kits and worked out that I actually ovulate early, and generally just did all the stuff I used to see on here and think was a bit bonkers. The window where you can actually conceive is pretty small so unfortunately you do have to get smart about it. After a month where I didn't ovulate at all, I conceived having done all the planning that month and dtd at exactly the right time.

Yes it takes some of the romance out of it and some people hate all the busy work of it, but it did pay off.

This month was the first time I used OPKs and I realised I ovulated later than I had previously realised. Obviously that meant I convinced myself I’d got the days right so must have conceived this month!

However, now I know I conceive later, it also means I must have a much shorter LP so I need to learn a bit more about that and how to increase this if possible. I just really wanted to take the ‘relaxed’ approach but clearly that isn’t working out!

I think it would be lovely to get relaxed about it but no one I know is. My friends and I are now all getting towards or actively ttc for the second and the chat is all about ovulation days, etc. I think it's the reality of it, I'm 35 now so am aware it won't likely be instantaneous.

Because unless you go back on contraception, you can't stop trying. I'm on cycle 15 and it's really difficult. I tried to take a break over Christmas but it was a disaster, I realised pretty early on in the month that unless I stopped having sex or used condoms that month then we would technically be trying, so I had no choice but to keep going.

It's an absolute fucking bastard. I've always toyed with the idea of only having one child and I can tell you now that if I ever end up with one, I will be very reluctant to try for a second. The heartache has been off the charts and I just don't know if we could put ourselves through this again. I'm sorry you're struggling, know you're not alone.

Stop worrying about it. Take up a new hobby, focus on something else, and have lots of spontaneous sex. No timing, checking temperatures, any of that malarkey.

You're 30, most people still have a decade at least. Worry is the worst thing you can do.

@MademoiselleFrenglish yes this is exactly it! People say ‘the month we stopped trying, was the month we fell pregnant’ but it’s impossible to stop trying!

I don’t want my post to be insensitive as I know some people have been trying for so much longer than me and I really feel for them as if I’m struggling already I cant imagine how they must feel!

@Meadowfinch thank you, I will stop worrying about it. I wish I’d thought of that sooner!

I can completely relate to you. Been trying since September and I’m also 30 - I think it’s just the fear that it wont happen that makes it all feel worse.

Using the clear blue digital ovulation tests has definitely eased my worry in a way because I feel more in control that I know when I’m actually ovulating.

Although as the months have passed all the things I used to think were crazy; putting your legs up in the air straight after etc seem to be looking like more viable options now 😂😂😂😂

@PinkFlamingo888 I've been trying for a lot longer than you have and I don't find your post insensitive. For some reason we're all led to believe that we'll be pregnant within a couple of months and it's just not the reality, we all feel the heartache, some more than others and some for longer than others, it sucks for us all!

It's the thinking that there might be something wrong with us, that we'll still be here a year from now, still trying. There are so many worries that go along with this far beyond the impatience of it all and yes, it's impossible to just "stop worrying". I have hobbies, I have friends, I have a job I like and that keeps me busy, I have a house I enjoy cleaning and decorating, I enjoy days and nights out and holidays, hell I even have a wedding to plan! But we still want a baby, those things don't stop us from thinking about it.

At the end of the day it's just simply really fucking hard and you can only take it day by day and look after yourself.

@MademoiselleFrenglish its the planning for the future that’s so difficult as well. I’m like you, I have a job I love, but actually do I move departments (that wouldn’t be possible with a baby) or stay where I am and regret not trying the new challenge.
Even booking a holiday, you can’t help think in the back of your mind, I might be pregnant, I might have a baby but if you hold off then it’s just even more disappointment!
I’m very lucky with lots of what I have but the only thing I’ve ever truly wanted is to be a mum and I hate not having a crystal ball to see when that might happen!

@Tigerlilly342 Just going to order some more clear blue ovulation sticks for next month. I know by next week I’ll be feeling positive about things again but periods are such a bastard at the best of times, even worse when you desperately want a baby and they’re just a painful reminder that it’s not happened again!

By having realistic expectations. It’s normal to take a year in couples with no issues. And likely longer if you’re coming off hormonal contraceptives. Keep living your life, eg make plans, have fun, don’t let it ruin your life or relationship. And do remember that a positive pregnancy test does not always equal a baby. It’s been a year for us including a 11 week miscarriage, but I had zero expectations to start with. Mostly as have had many friends who have had issues. I wish the wider narrative was that it’s normal to take a while.

@PinkFlamingo888 it’s really really tough, but my advice is if you’re finding it really hard then maybe consider going for a private fertility MOT. I didn’t want to wait 12 months before getting the ball rolling with the nhs so went for a fertility MOT about 8 months in - had a semen analysis, ultrasound and some bloods. Everything came back normal which gave me a bit of peace of mind, but if it hadn’t and we had an issue (eg low sperm count) I definitely would have wanted to know sooner rather than later.

I would echo PP. If you can afford it, definitely have a private assessment. It can take pressure off to know there's nothing wrong. And if there is an issue, you save time by having an intervention earlier.

I think forums like this, while they can be very helpful, can inadvertently create an anxiety around TTC. That compounded with our generation having children at a later age than previous ones.

I was older than you when I started trying and it definitely only happened once I tracked the bejesus out of my cycle. 2.5 years of 'seeing what happens' then pregnant on first cycle using ovulation sticks. I was older than you when we first started and you have lots of time! Really you do! Once they're here your life is changed forever. I remember that feeling of not knowing how to plan life and I wish I had just carried on as normal to be honest. Good luck - it will happen!

Consider a fertility lube too (Conceive plus or pre-seed) lots of people have success with these

I tried for 5 years (I started at 30) until I conceived my daughter and totally understand this, it's not insensitive to feel like this. You’ll find some months you manage the disappointment well, others can wipe you out with grief for a life you want that is out of your control whether you get it or not.

While trying, my best advice is live your life to the full. Find all the things that make you happy and do as many of them as possible. Make positive lifestyle adjustments that are enjoyable, ie have a massage once a month, get some reflexology, try and get a little more sleep, book the trips you’re excited for.

Try not to go too down the rabbit holes of things to try.
Tracking your temperature or taking ovulation sticks is enough to know you’re making the most of that bizarrely short fertile window.

I read on the NHS website that after 1 year of trying 90% of people are pregnant, and 95% by 2 years. Those are great odds that will hopefully help you through this period.

Try to not live based on ‘what if I get pregnant’ - if and hopefully when that happens - it will be such good news you’ll just work the rest out. And if it takes a little longer than hoped, then you won’t have put your life on hold and be missing out on things within your control. Take the job, book the trip, live life to the full without regret.

Try not to count down to when medical intervention is available. The reality of it is often slow and a whole new level of physical and emotional rollercoasters that I wouldn't wish on anyone xx

I have a big family but fertility issues (both of us) so have huge gaps of 4/5/6 years between dc where we’ve had to wait and have treatment and currently on cycle 28 as trying again . It so difficult

It is so hard! And ignore the "just relax" comments they are bull and dismissive and rude. It's best to find things that you enjoy, keep living your life, book the holiday, drink the cocktails etc. I've been trying for years, had losses, and it always hits hard when my period arrives even when I'm trying my best to relax. I do wonder if I will ever be lucky enough to have a child and like a PP said, if I do have one I'm more than likely not going to want to go through this again. It's emotionally exhausting.

“It’s literally all I’ve ever wanted and never even considered the possibility that it might not be something I’m able to do.”

I could have written that myself. My whole life and every decision has built towards this and I’m feeling pretty lost being stuck in the TTC1 cycle.

How I keep going? Because I have to. I can’t visualise a future without this so I don’t know what else to do.

sorry I can’t offer any uplifting advice! It sucks and I’m scared that my life might not turn out how I’d always pictured.

You need to manage your expectations. It is pretty uncommon to get pregnant at the first try and perfectly normal for it to take months. About 70% get pregnant in their first year. I understand you want to get pregnant the moment you decided a baby would be welcome, but it is just not realistic.

@PinkFlamingo888 totally get where you are coming from with the whole planning thing... We have been trying for around 13 months now and it has felt like our lives have been put on hold. I have no real advice but 5 months is still in the realms of normality so hopefully you are able to take some comfort in that.

I remember feeling the same- and had two babaies already who were “happy accidents” so TTCing for number 3 was my first foray into it all and totally eye opening. I agree with some of the previous posters in that it’s good to get checked out if you can, but then do what you can to maximise a healthy pregnancy eg vitamins and folic acid but do try for it to not be your sole focus. For the first few months it was mine, and it was heartbreaking. Two good friends got pregnant and I recall crying at night after pretending to be happy for them… and then feeling like such a cow. Our boys are now all in the same year at school!
I got pregnant during the month we had sex every 2nd day (outwith period week) and the month I tried a low carb diet funnily enough… I had also signed up to a writing class and had other things going on. So we were TTC but it was only a part of our lives and not the main focus which was important for my mental health.
It took around 5 months to get pregnant age 30 and then 8 months age 34…sending baby dust to you all 🌟

I feel all of what you have said. And what wonderful, insightful beautiful words answered.

@PinkFlamingo888 its super disheartening and I understand the guilt that you may feel for feeling like this after a ‘short’ period of time. Me and my husband have been trying 7 months- all our families have got pregnant within 1-2 months, including my younger sister who announced to us last week. It’s heartbreaking even though we’re happy for them but it just makes us think when will it be our turn…

We’ve got a couple fertility assessment booked which we went through the private route to put our minds at ease/get answers due to a bad home speed count test my husband received (hoping it was a bad test- I mean it was just from Amazon?)

But it’s just all round a crap situation to be in- we are finding it difficult to be hopeful and I try and stop myself from imaging that we’ll have babies/children now as it’s too painful. It’s hard to find the balance of being positive/hopeful and realistic. Good luck with you journey- hope you get the news you want soon x