When to stop

[Shmoo2612]

Hi all

I have a daughter who turns 4 in April, we’ve been trying to have another for over a year. I had two MC last year, one in April, one in August, both at 7 weeks along. We’re back in the monthly trying and tracking and I thought I was ovulating this week (CM, positive OPK), but no temperature rise so not sure I did. And the thought of continuing to track and then having the dreaded two week week wait just brings me down so much, sometimes I just don’t know if I can do it anymore and whether we should stick with our one daughter (who is perfect!) and be a happy family of three and really focus on her.

I just don’t know how to make that decision because it feels so final and going back on the pill kind of cements it. How do you make that decision without all the guilt that follows?! 😞 I desperately want another baby, and a sibling for our daughter, I just don’t know if I I have it in my anymore to try and then cope with the utter fear the entire time I’m pregnant for it all to go wrong again, that would just destroy me.

Not sure what I’m after here, I just felt I had to get it off my chest.

Sounds like you need to stop trying, and see what happens.

Don't have to track your cycle and take your temp . You also don't have to use contraception. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

This is what I was going to suggest. You can enjoy your existing family but not use contraception or track. Seems so many stories where people do this and then get a happy surprise.

I feel you! I'm so sorry for your losses - your story sounds very similar to mine, I've had 4 miscarriages since we had our four-year-old and when I got pregnant the last time my partner and I agreed that it was our final shot, and we wouldn't try again. Sadly that pregnancy ended in miscarriage at 13 weeks, so here we are.

I don't think the other people who have replied really understand what you're asking - it's not useful to say 'just relax/stop tracking and see what happens' because it is actually quite painful to be stuck in that holding pattern of 'could I be pregnant' month after month, however hands-off you are about tracking. And, of course, when you've had multiple losses you know that falling pregnant is not necessarily a totally happy occurrence. It's signing up to potentially losing another baby, going through those horrible weeks of uncertainty, hope, fear, and grief. It's a tough thing to put yourself through.

So, yes, I can understand why you are saying that there must be an end point.

It is empowering to take matters into your own hands. I would give yourself a deadline, after which point you will stop trying and instead work towards being at peace with your one lovely child. For me, I realised that the potential age gap was growing larger and larger - so the family life I'd imagined, with 2 or more kids close in age, was never going to happen. Not that it wouldn't still be lovely, but at this point I'm enjoying being out of the baby stage, being able to easily take our daughter on all kinds of adventures, not worry about naps, knowing that all our resources can go to her.

For me the right choice is to stop now. It's better for my mental health to draw the line and move on to the next chapter. For you, the answer might be to try for another year, or to commit to investigating certain tests or treatments. I don't know what that boundary will look like for you. But I think you are right to want to be intentional about it. You can't go on forever thinking 'maybe this is the month', or wondering if your family is in its completed shape or if there's another child still waiting in the ether. It is such a helpless thing, infertility, that anything you can do to take some control is really important.

Good luck! I'm sorry you and I are both walking such a hard road, which can be so difficult for other people to understand.

I can sympathise as I'm in a similar situation. Almost 3 year old, and 3 miscarriages in a row from last year.

We're taking a break this month (i.e. using contraception, as I do not want to be pregnant for a bit, or even entertain the idea that I might be). We're going to have some tests to check for any preventable causes and then make a decision.

The doctor was clear the most likely outcome is that everything will come back normal. At that point we'll have to decide whether to continue trying, accepting we may have more miscarriages and potentially a healthy baby eventually. Or cut our losses and enjoy the life we have.

For me, my priority is always the life I have now. I have a great relationship and a lovely child. If trying to conceive begins to really threaten the happiness of my relationship (because the highs and lows are a strain even when you have a supportive partner) or take away from my happiness and enjoyment of parenting my kid, then we'll stop. I'm not there yet, currently feel I'm "handling it" for want of a better phrase. I don't know what the break point will be, but I am very clear in my mind, and my husband is in agreement, that we won't pursue this at all costs. I'm sure if we decide to stop trying permanently that will be a difficult and heartbreaking decision. It's not one we're ready for yet.

I would encourage you to take a break. I.e. use contraception for a month or two to take a mental break. Your immediate choices aren't: actively try and conceive or completely give up and settle on 1 child. You can just take a breather, a little pause to re group.

Really sensitive, helpful advice from @ladycarlotta . I'm sorry that you're both going through this.

@bubballoo you are so right about protecting the life you have now. My partner and I went out to the pub about a year ago and had a proper heart-to-heart, agreeing with real clarity that the most important thing in all of this was not a new baby by any means necessary, but us. Our relationship, our family: the things we already have.

We basically agreed not to pursue things that seemed like they would damage the happiness we're already very lucky to have. It would be awful to let that be destroyed by the constant stress of TTC, or on the other hand resentment if one partner wanted to stop and the other didn't.

So sorry you are also experiencing this. I'm grateful for all the tests that we've had, but yes they have come back normal which makes it extra hard because that means there's a chance that next time will be different. I almost feel that if they could say "you have X condition" or whatever it would be much easier to say it's not meant to be. We'll probably never know why this has happened to us, it might just be bad luck, so I just need to be OK with not knowing. Luckily they've been able to send tissue from my last pregnancy for cytogenetic testing so we may get a few answers there soon. Or, again, we won't!

Depends on a few things. For example your age.

Thank you all for your lovely messages; it really has given me lots to think about. I don’t think I am ready to completely give up yet, but I don’t think this will be something I’ll still be doing this time next year! We shall see; I know some people advise to stop tracking but I’ve always had irregular cycles so if I don’t track, I just wouldn’t stand a chance of getting pregnant otherwise! (I’ve had hormones checked and scans etc, there doesn’t seem to be a reason for it) And because of my two prior MCs I need to know if I’m pregnant as early as possible to take the supplements they’ve given me to give if the best chance.

There are days when it’s hard, and days when I’m still feeling positive and hopeful; I guess when the bad days start outweighing the positives then I’ll know to stop at that point. I’m also mindful of the growing age gap, my daughter is 4 in April and starts school in September.

It’s so hard, OP. You’ve had some very good advice already. I’m 37 and have a 10 year old, so age gap and age are very much at the forefront of my mind! But all age gaps have their pros and cons. We didn’t plan a second until around 8 months ago, then we have had one pregnancy and a MMC at 8-9 weeks.

I don’t know what’s the best thing for you. In my case I have in mind a cut off date, mainly due to our ages. It doesn’t give us many months left. I think I will struggle if get close to that and to stop. Equally it is really hard on your mental health and relationship to cope with TTC. I have been doing counselling since the MMC and it has been helpful to get a sense of what I am feeling deep down, I would recommend this if it’s something you could access and feel would be helpful.

Thank you, I had some counselling after the first MC and during the first few weeks of the second pregnancy, she tried to help me focus on staying positive at the time as I terrified the same thing would happen again. It did happen again so I stopped the counselling at that point as I just needed time to myself to process what had happened. Haven’t been back since; I worry it’ll just drag things up that I’ve done my best to put behind me, even though it never really leaves you and I know I’ll just be terrified the entire time even if we do conceive again! My husband and I have agreed that if we get pregnant again and the worst happens for a third time, that’s it, we’re stopping. I already know I wouldn’t want any tests etc because even if I knew why I know I couldn’t put myself through all the TTC again. I’m just wondering how long to keep trying for that third attempt. I’m in my TWW now (I have now confirmed ovulation this week), so not getting my hopes up but I’ve said to my husband if we don’t get pregnant this time we’ll have to sit and talk about how long we carry on with this because I am getting closer to the “I just can’t do this anymore” moment I think.

@Shmoo2612 Oh I’m sorry that the counselling was almost unhelpful in that sense. You have been so unlucky to have two MCs, I can’t imagine what that is like. I’ve had a couple of unconfirmed chemical pregnancies but the MMC was just so traumatic - to go through it twice must be horrendous.
are you in a position to take a break from TTC for a while? As a Pp said you could use contraception (eg condoms) just to keep your mind off the TWW if you need to?
I don’t think I could tolerate taking a break because I feel such time pressure. However the MMC has kind of enforced that, perhaps it’s a bit of a relief when the decision is taken out of your hands.
You could take next cycle off TTC if this one is not successful, then reassess after that? Maybe on a rolling basis.
take care 💐

Like a PP suggested we gave ourselves a deadline. If it didn't happen then we were going to go on holiday to a destination that we've both always wanted to go to.

It was hard to think that we'd only have one but like your DD, our one was very much adored.

I'm happy to say that I have never been on that holiday and DC2 came along within the year.

I don't think that you should stop tracking, if you find tracking is helping you to cope but I would recommend taking at least a couple of months off actively TTC and just plan a few nights out with your DH/DP and a few relaxing days out either with your family our friends