Husband doesn't want a second

[MillieFTM]

I know this has been posted about before, and I've read all the other threads but I'm so upset.
We have a lovely 3yo girl who was a very challenging baby. Reflux, cpma undiagnosed until 5 months, pnd and anxiety and barely ever slept at night (her and me!). The first year was horrendous. After going back to work I felt a lot better and more like myself.
My husband really struggled, definitely also had depression.

Now we are through it, he is so in love and it's amazing to watch them together.

I really now want a second as I can see that everything really is a phase and you do get out the other side of the sleep deprivation! My husband doesn't think he can do it again as it's all he can remember.

I'm at the age where I feel like it's now or never.
We've had countless conversations about a second and although I'm not trying to persuade him (not fair, and he'll end up resenting me) I just don't know how to accept that this is it.

Has anyone else experienced similar and can help me overcome these feelings?

One and done by choice here, this might be helpful to read- it might not.

My husband had a few wobbles because he came from a nuclear 2.4 children family. He felt he ‘should’ have more children because it’s the done thing- but after so many chats from when DC was about 10 months old, we are settled on actively remaining a one child family.

Our reasons are:

• we want to take the extra energy that would go into hypothetical child number 2 and invest that into our marriage and quality time together. Babysitters are easy for one. We have a great sex life, date nights and plenty of time to decompress.

• we have a certain lifestyle we want to maintain and experiences that we want DC to have which would take a hit if another person comes into the picture.

• we don’t want to ‘divide and conquer’. We like our weekends as a trio, equally taking an interest in DC’s activities rather than splitting both of us in between multiple DC.

• we have plenty of time for our own passions, pursuits, fitness and hobbies.

• and for me (perhaps slightly selfishly), I’m in fab physical and mental health, really feel like I’m in my ‘prime’ and I don’t want to roll the dice and risk poor maternal health or birth injuries.

I know you’ve had lots of chats- but I think you need to examine why you want a second and discuss this together rationally. Pro and cons it. I imagine it’s probably a case of different priorities rather than just being scared of the newborn stage.

If someone could PROMISE me that DC2 would be a great playmat for our DD, be a positive influence and help her through her life- perhaps it would be worth sacrificing all of the above.

But no one can promise me that. No one. I know siblings that are great mates but I also know plenty of apathetic siblings who fought all through their childhood, barely text and left all elder care to one sibling.

The benefits aren’t guaranteed- so I’m going to enjoy the one child benefits that are.

This is such a tough one. Me and my husband struggled a bit deciding whether to have a second. Our son is nearly 2 and sleep hasn’t been great most of the time and the teething has been an absolute nightmare. We are finally on the same page now but it took a while. It needs to be something you both want. There’s no way of knowing how difficult the second child will be, could be easier but could present even more difficult challenges. As @lavendersorbet mentioned there is no guarantee the 2 kids will get along. There’s a lot of sacrifices and no way of knowing how it will all turn out. Unfortunately you have to let him decide he wants another on his own. If he never gets there would being a family of 3 be so bad? There are a lot of pros to having one child. As you say it’s now or never for you so ask your husband to make a final decision on this and if he decides against a second you can at least learn to come to terms with that. The question is will you resent him for not having a second? I think it is understandable if you will, if it’s something you really want and you’ve both agreed to having a second before your first. I think you both need to have a conversation and realise that whichever way this goes someone may end up resenting the other. He needs to be really sure on how he feels about this.

My partner and I coming from big families never understood why anyone would want to stop at 1 child.... And then we had a child and understood quite quickly 😅😂

The early years can be painful. It was tough seeing friends with relatively calm and relaxed babies. While my child was a monster to deal with up until perhaps a couple weeks ago.

I'm a very tough cookie, I've overcomelife challenges that would crack the average person. So it was a surprise to me that my own seed could test my limits.

Anyway, we try to look at it through a positive lens, ultimately we have survived. So we have opted to get any future suffering out the way quickly - hence why we're pregnant with #2 - despite still having days where we question if we were right to embark on the parenting journey.

#2 will come with new challenges. What you need to communicate to your husband is you'll survive. Next time round you'll have more experience, knowledge and confidence behind you. Have a reflection exercise, what worked well and what you would do differently.

Consider any support you might have that could alleviate the pressure of a 2nd. For us, we had little to no support. My friend was shocked when I mentioned my partner and I have probably had 2/3 date nights since my child was born (20 months ago) - only the reaction made realise it was abnormal.

Good luck. Worst case, there's always the mutual accident - which I'd never recommend.

Don’t have an ‘accident’. I don’t know why someone would even suggest it.

You can’t force someone into having a baby they don’t want. You risk breaking up the whole family.

Please don’t have an “accident”. Totally disrespectful to your husband and cruel to the child. He’s allowed to not want another. And if having a second child is that important your only option is to leave him and have another on your own or with new partner. Harsh but true. Perhaps focus on enjoying your life as a family for now. I never understand people planning how many kids in advance as you have no idea how it’ll be til you have 1.

Oh will you people calm down, an accident was mentioned by someone else. OP has not once mentioned an accident in their post.