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Original poster

Advice on boyfriend please

15 replies

LottieR123 · 22/01/2024 23:32

Hi everyone, I’m 31 and my boyfriend is 33, we’ve been together 2.5 years and we live together in a one bed flat. We have okay jobs and savings.

I’m really keen to start trying for a family, I’d love to take our relationship to the next level and I get so broody playing with his little nieces!

Last year, he said we could start TTC this year…. Now it’s this year he has excuses like he wants to learn to drive first and we need to move into a bigger flat….

I get these are sensible steps, and I agree! But he’s not taking any action on them! He’s been saying for months he’s going to start driving lessons (still hasn’t! I’ve even signed him up myself but he didn’t book one!) and I was so excited to view some flats this weekend with him (which he found on Rightmove) (with x3 beds so space for a baby) and he’s now “changed his mind” and “what’s the rush”….

I just feel sad that I really want to start a family with him and he’s not putting any effort into the steps to get us there…

He says I need to “chill out” but I can see my biological clock approaching, I’m 32 in a few weeks, and if we want the 2/3 kids we’ve discussed we need to get moving…

Thanks for any thoughts
I feel sad! Like he waves the carrot, I get excited, then he never commits! The goal posts keep moving

Any advice?

Thanks everyone
x

OP posts:
AllFunAndGamesUntilYoureRunningForTheLastTrain · 22/01/2024 23:41

His actions are speaking pretty loudly tbh, if you’re worried about your biological clock ticking, you might be better moving on.

have you ever discussed marriage as the next step though, and then having children? He seems kind of half hearted so, if you did get pregnant, he might not stick around and, without marriage, you won’t have the same legal protection.

RachelGreensHair · 22/01/2024 23:42

Get rid.

Mmmmpavlova · 22/01/2024 23:46

Ugh, plenty of men seem happy to waste their partners entire 30s like this... shifting the goalposts just enough every year that they keep you hanging on and on until you leave them, age 39.
Listen to his actions and not his words - he has no wish to have kids in the coming years, if ever. Sorry that he's doing this to you.

BeckiWithAnI · 22/01/2024 23:49

Sorry OP. He’s a future faker. It will never be the right time with him. Staying with him means thinking very seriously about how you would feel never having children.

Outliers · 22/01/2024 23:56

Sounds like he hasn't got his shyt in order.

It certainly helps to at least have a licence before you have a kid for example, but each to their own.

4LeafCloverBaby · 23/01/2024 07:44

@LottieR123 i was in a similar situation & it is so frustrating. I think you need to have a think about whether you want a baby or you want a baby with him as they are 2 very different situations. If it’s just that you want a baby then it’s ultimatum time…if your relationship with him is more important to you than having a baby then focus on your relationship & forget about having a baby for now. Good luck with whatever you decide 🍀🤞🏼 x

Applesandcake · 23/01/2024 07:56

I think a lot of people (ok, men…) don’t really think long term. They just think right now I don’t want my life disrupted. He’s probably not thinking “hang on, we’re in our 30’s, there’s a time limited on having kids, how long will it take to conceive, how long is pregnancy, what’s the age gap we’d want.. hang on if we don’t start now we won’t have a chance of 3!” Etc etc

However, that doesn’t help you. Firstly, on your own mind, is having kids a deal breaker for you? If you 100% he wasn’t going to commit to it, would you be happy to stay with him? If it’s a dealbreaker though, I think you need to have a very serious discussion with him. I would explain the time issue, I’d explain I want kids now and if he really doesn’t want that, then as heartbreaking as it might be, the relationship needs to end. It’s not an ultimatum, it’s just a natural consequence. If you two want different things in life it’s not going to work.

Original poster
LottieR123 · 26/01/2024 12:45

Thank you everyone! :)

Really helpful! Ahhh it’s so hard to admit it but think you could be right.

Might think about setting an ultimatum to myself … in terms of timings…..

4LeafCloverBaby what was your situation?

Thanks everyone

xx

OP posts:
4LeafCloverBaby · 26/01/2024 13:01

@LottieR123 my partner has 2 kids already & I didn’t want children when we met but my 37th birthday came & it really hit me that I would never be a mum & so I told my other half & he was in absolute shock. His girls are 5&7 & he was saying he was just starting to enjoy getting his life back & he really didn’t want to do it all again. I had to decide whether I wanted a baby or a baby with him & I weighed up my options…knowing that if I left him the likelihood of finding a man I wanted to be the father of my children in the right time frame would be very slim. I decided to stay & accept that I wouldn’t have have children. After a lot of talks he then changed his mind as he said he couldn’t be the reason I wasn’t a mum. Then he started trying to push the start trying date back & back & I just said…do you know what, I’m not going to live the next 3 months wondering if you are going to change your mind again, it’s mentally exhausting & I’m not putting myself though it. Either we start now or I’m leaving. That decision wasn’t based on leaving him to have a child but because I felt what he was doing was leading me on & dangling a carrot constantly which is cruel. After some conversations & rows he understood & now we are trying. It is such a difficult decision & I really don’t envy you hun x

GreekDogRescue · 26/01/2024 13:08

He sounds like a teenager. What kind of man refuses to learn to drive? Sounds like you have to do everything for him. Get rid.

GreatGateauxsby · 26/01/2024 13:10

Get rid - he isn’t interested or committed / serious and will prob screw you over even if you did get pregnant

having proper space and provisions in place is the sensible thing to do but also get married before you have kids.

Amyjones86 · 26/01/2024 22:08

If he wanted to he would.

get rid.

you deserve better.

good luck OP

Mischance · 26/01/2024 22:13

I really think you should go.

As another poster has said, the leading you on and then going back on it is not something that you want from a man, and is grounds to leave, not necessarily to have a baby with someone else, but to get away from this unkind "teasing."

Seriously - give him an ultimatum. Too many women are dragged through their 30s (their prime) on false promises. It is unacceptable.

Whataretheodds · 26/01/2024 22:32

Get out before you feel he's robbed you of your fertile years.

There is a lot to be said for doing marriage and bigger house before TTC

HalloumiGeller · 26/01/2024 22:42

He's either not ready to have kids yet or he doesn't want them, hence why he's stalling and making excuses.

Unfortunately, only you can decide where you go from here.

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