DP struggling with low drive, and looking for solutions

[Nessie2395]

I want to ask my DP if he would consider home insemination, with a soft cup, soft syringe etc. I have read about it and feel it could really remove the pressure and improve our conception chances.

Essentially my DP has a very low sex drive, 1-2 times a month max if I'm lucky! This stems from probably being on the asexual spectrum and he also is neurodivergent. Essentially I don't think we can do more than we already have to improve his libido, it's who he is and usually this is fine.

But obviously we want a baby. I have some known fertility issues so it does feel a bit more urgent from my point of view but I am doing my best not to let this show. Realistically we may need to try IVF anyway

We've only been trying since September 2023 and that first month we managed to BD once around the right time and the second month we managed again just one time. In November the pressure was too much for him and again this month, I don't think it's going to happen..we've tried to no avail.

I'm being very patient, not trying to pressure him or say we need to BD five days in a row or anything silly. I understand that he can't just switch it on and he's a person not a machine. I don't want to make him feel lesser. If we manage once I'm pleased but realistically I don't think this is helping our conception chances. And I am finding myself feeling impatient, upset and a bit resentful when I have to wait another four weeks for another opportunity.

People say 'oh stop tracking ovulation, just have sex when you feel like it and remove the pressure' but for us, we would barely have sex at all and certainly not when it matters.

Has anyone found this helpful themselves? Any ideas how to suggest this route in a kind/understanding manner? Thank you for any help

Not quite the same situation but me and my OH use home insemination as he struggles to "finish" so it's the only way we can guarantee sperm! We also don't have a heavy sex drive as a couple. I found the way to approach it was to explain that I wanted to keep our intimacy and enjoy sex whilst TTC (TTC with my ex previously and it destroyed our sex life as we were trying for years, not fun!). If you have a pragmatic conversation about it, including both yours and your other Half's wants and needs then he should understand x

Thank you, that's really helpful. Similar in some ways to us then. I'm glad you and your DP are both happy with the solution. I could try to say I don't want to ruin our intimacy with the TTC pressure and that is true. Thanks!

Hey, I understand how you feel. This was us, and I was really worried about our chances of conceiving. My cycles are long too. I tracked using natural cycles, temped every morning, used ovulation sticks, we tried for a few months managed to dtd a few times. I was very tearful and felt it would never happen. However I'm now around 7-8 weeks pregnant. The month we conceived was the month I stopped temping. I knew when my ovulation window was but not the day and this took pressure off for me and him. He enjoyed the sex a lot more as felt less under pressure. I know it doesn't always work out like that but that allowed us to still have a rough idea but wasn't too focused on it. Keep going and best of luck x

Horny goat weed supplement or if more extreme measures needed, viagra.

Not to make any assumptions about you, but if course make efforts in your appearance.

Hi, that's great, congratulations!! It sounds like taking the pressure of you both really helped!! I haven't been temping or anything so don't know the exact day but I can tell what few days it is - however we are not having an luck doing it in the five day window even. I will keep what you said in mind though thanks!

Haha might be worth a go thank you!

It took us 2.5 years to get pregnant after initially getting pregnant right away but had mc. The pressure to have sex on right dates was ruining it all and coming between us. And I would be so frustrated during those 2 weeks to periods and then when periods arrived I felt like I was running more and more out of time each month. I managed to change my mindset and relax. I stopped tracking my ovulation and listened to my body. I felt my ovulation from being more aroused and wanting more so when I felt like that I dressed sexy and made it about seducing him which completely changed the atmosphere and made both of us enjoy it again. And this worked for us.

The thing is, you should really be bonking for 5 days over ovulation to give yourself the best chance so it’s no wonder that you are upset. Your feelings are valid and it must be very frustrating when you have known fertility issues. You don’t need to feel like a bad person for this.

You may have accepted his low sex drive as ‘who he is’- but if he genuinely wants to have a baby, he really does need to try a bit harder. He has one job- to orgasm. The rest is on you.

If he doesn’t want to have sex- then you need to speak to him to see if he is willing to ejaculate into a cup for you to SI. I would try home insemination to try and get it up to 2 times within the window at least, and hopefully you will get lucky. It does only take one, but you want as many of those ‘ones’ as possible.

How old are you? Are you able to get a private fertility MOT to see how things are looking? That might shape your decision on whether you should seek more drastic measures.

Put it this way, if I was 38 and desperately wanted a baby- I absolutely would not be happy with one pump (sorry) a month, or not at all.

Did you read the main point of the post about how her husband is probably asexual and has very little interest in having sex?

Surprised some of the stupid comments you're getting on here. You're clearly very kind and sensitive to him which is lovely. It's clearly nothing to do with how you look or what you wear. I was going to suggest counselling but sounds like the infrequent sex isn't so much an issue apart from TTC? Could you consider a few rounds of private IUI? It's less invasive and cheaper than IVF. And would alleviate the pressure on your sex life.

Case in point of a stupid comment "he really does need to try a bit harder".

@graciasinmorzine yes and making it about baby making is not going to help.

Did I say she needs to force him into sex? Or make him feel bad?

I did not. But they do need have a chat about alternatives- such as home insemination. That could be him ‘trying harder’. Or it could be him researching supplements to help him with his libido, that could be him ‘trying harder’.

however, I suspect OP- someone with known fertility issues, is the one doing the research and legwork on this whilst being hugely understanding.

Unfortunately, even if you are asexual- you need to have sex to have a baby. And if you don’t want to have sex, you need to explore other avenues. Is he ‘trying harder’ on this- or is this on OP?

@Olika I'm glad that's worked for you ☺️ but yes our problem is sex drive, if I laid off all pressure it still wouldn't happen if that makes sense.

@graciasinmorzine

Thanks so much for your comment and for understanding my pov. Yes I feel like I'm doing all the work which is already making me resentful and it's only been a few months. I knew this would be an issue though, and he acknowledged it would be but he can't just switch on his sex drive so you're right, trying harder on his part would be agreeing to home insemination I think.

He hurts to miss the window every month and know we'll have the same problem in 4/5 weeks.

I'm 28, have endometriosis and my egg count is very low for my age. Now I've had Endo surgery in November, we were advised to try naturally for a year before trying IVF. So I want to put all effort into that really even if it means doing him it in a cup!!

Yes I think if I start pressuring him into sex that would absolutely not work out for him! He is a lovely man, but sex is not something we excel at as a couple anyway so this was never going to be easy 😂

@Daisies12 thank you I appreciate that ☺️ yes I don't feel I could really do anything differently. I try my best

I've not looked into IUI! I will look into that but definitely a good idea

I’m so sorry to hear about your low egg account. That must make it all the more frustrating when windows are missed.

A poster has said ‘don’t make it all about baby making’ but maybe this black and white thinking would help.

does he know your cycle?
does he know anything about ovulation?
does he know that for a couple having a really good go of it over the ovulation period, with no fertility issues- they still only have a 30% chance?

I would go full science, get it all out on the table and aim for one HI round a month in addition to hopefully intercourse.

@graciasinmorzine thank you. He understands how ovulation works but not in much detail I don't think, he has just underestimated how much timing matters. I think I will have to do as you've said, be very clear about our odds here.

It's so hard not to get upset with him when we miss a window, because I don't have many windows left! But I know that being angry with him will make the issue worse, but it certainly feels like the emotional burden (and physical burden with my health condition) is all mine to carry. Thanks for your advice I will try present him with some facts! x