Financial security

[Haggardly]

I (36) and Partner (37)

We agreed we wanted to start a family three years ago. We wanted to be in secure housing before we started a family. We bought our first house in an area we love early last year. The idea was to immediately TTC.

Then partner got ill. He lost his job.

Partner was out of work for a year. We didn't miss the mortgage payments, but only due to family support.

He is healthy now. He found his first job after the long illness, but the contract is ending a month sooner than expected. He will be jobless again in January. We still haven't paid our families back for all the funds they lent us.

He is in a well paid profession and his skills are sought after, so I'm not worried.

He, though, stated last night that he doesn't feel secure enough to TTC yet.

I'm sympathetic to his feelings as we have been through the wringer. He earns so much more than me. I wouldn't be able to support him and a child financially if he fell ill again. It would be a struggle. And perhaps our families wouldn't be as willing to help.

But these eggs ain't gettin any younger. I have been working on myself - exercising more, taking a prenatal multivitamin, drinking in moderation, and eating good quality foods all this time. My body is as pregnancy ready as it will ever be.

I went to the GP about an unrelated matter and mentioned we want to start a family. She stated I am NOT overweight (even though BMI shows I am slightly!) asked about the vitamins etc, then she recommended we start trying immediately due to my age.

It's worrying me that my partner may never feel secure enough to start a family. I don't want to pressure him but equally we don't have time to waste.

Interested to hear from others who have been in similar situations?

Do you not want the legal protections of marriage? Whose name is on the deeds?
Your boyfriend needs to let you know a very, very clear timeline of when he will be ‘secure’, as every month counts now. If he blusters/dismisses/gives excuses-believe him: he’s not keen to get you pregnant, and make choices for your future accordingly.
If he were desperate to get your pregnant he would already have repaid his relatives with his high earnings, already have a new job lined up for when he knows he’ll be unemployed in January, would have booked a wedding to ensure you’re protected, would have looked in to parenting styles, future childcare costs, etc. What proof has he shown that he wants to parent?

We're getting married in March and we're both on the deeds.

We had a few talks over the last couple of days. He said he is worried as his family grew up very poor (which I of course knew, it's one of the things we bonded over within weeks of meeting). I suggested we sit down and look at our finances to ease his anxiety. I showed him we have 6 months worth of mortgage payments saved up so even if it takes a couple of months to find another role, we will be fine.
He is, additionally, convinced he's going to get cancer, die young, and leave me and our future babies all alone. Plus, it sounded to me he has been carrying some guilt for his illness/new disability and its emotional and financial impact on our partnership and our wider family. I've gently suggested he needs some counselling to work through these anxieties.

When I asked him if he does want to have children with me he got quite emotional and said of course he does. He's just scared. I - again gently - raised my age and mentioned the GP's recommendation to get on with it.

In short, we had unprotected sex for the first time last night. According to my menstruation app we've missed the boat for this month though!