Am I horrible for ...

SHL62 · 2023-11-02T13:07:42+00:00

Not being happy for my brother and girlfriend who have just announced they are having their 3rd baby? Me and my husband have been trying for 15 months. I had a miscarriage in June and I am heartbroken that they have accidentally fallen pregnant with their 3rd. It seems to have triggered a mini breakdown and I can't get over the fact she is pregnant when I lost our baby

TheBirdintheCave · 02/11/2023 13:21

You're not horrible. You're in pain. This is a natural reaction to that pain. I couldn't talk to my brother for a while after he and my SIL got to keep their baby and I lost mine (after we'd already had a loss). They understood when I gently told them that I couldn't be around them for a little while. A few days later I apologised and tried to be happy for them instead. It might not have been entirely genuine at first but it soon was. I now have a beautiful little nephew who I couldn't do without ❤

I went on to lose another baby (via IVF) but am now 12+3 with what I hope will become the one I get to take home.

It's hard but it will get easier in time. Give yourself the space to grieve and come back to them when you're ready.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get your own rainbow baby very soon ❤

CameraCoffeeCrochet · 02/11/2023 13:24

No, you're not horrible for having ugly feelings, it's unfair and I think we've all experienced that jealousy. (If that's the right word) .

Do what you have to do to help shield your heart from it, unfollow or mute social media accounts.
If they feel hurt then let them know you are happy for them but having a hard time and it's not a reflection on your friendship you just need more time to deal with it.

PinkRoses1245 · 02/11/2023 13:42

You're not horrible, that's totally normal reaction. I'd gently avoid them if you can, avoid social media. Do something nice for yourself and DH if you can, can you plan a nice day out or night away? I had a miscarriage this summer, I've had to quietly step away from some friends who are pregnant. Look after yourself. And stay optimistic, you did get pregnant so every chance it'll happen again, with a healthy baby this time.

Smile2134 · 02/11/2023 13:53

Hi there! You’re not horrible at all. I actually am going through something very similar. I lost my pregnancy at 20 weeks 3 months ago and my sister in law just had her baby a few weeks ago. I have been going through all of those emotions as well. It’s very hard to see someone have what what you want so desperately. But the best advice I can give you is give yourself grace. You are allowed to feel how you feel and don’t force yourself to feel any other sort of way. A lot of people don’t know what it is like to go on this journey of trying to conceive. Protect your heart that’s all you can do.

Popetthetreehugger · 02/11/2023 14:00

Please don’t judge yourself harshly, your time will come . Get out in nature, might sound drippy , but it saves my soul . Your feeling are valid , life can be shit and unfair. None of this is anyone’s fault . Be kind to yourself . X

Chloeliz99 · 02/11/2023 14:31

Your emotions are valid! I have had 2 miscarriages this year and my friend got pregnant accidentally just after I miscarried and my heart literally ached. Please don’t be harsh on yourself. Your grieving process is yours and sometimes our feelings are out of our controll. Sending all my love and hugs and wish you all the luck for the future❤️

Original poster

SHL62 · 02/11/2023 21:08

TheBirdintheCave · 02/11/2023 13:21

You're not horrible. You're in pain. This is a natural reaction to that pain. I couldn't talk to my brother for a while after he and my SIL got to keep their baby and I lost mine (after we'd already had a loss). They understood when I gently told them that I couldn't be around them for a little while. A few days later I apologised and tried to be happy for them instead. It might not have been entirely genuine at first but it soon was. I now have a beautiful little nephew who I couldn't do without ❤

I went on to lose another baby (via IVF) but am now 12+3 with what I hope will become the one I get to take home.

It's hard but it will get easier in time. Give yourself the space to grieve and come back to them when you're ready.

I wish you all the luck in the world and hope you get your own rainbow baby very soon ❤

Thank you! And congratulations ❤️
I think I'm going to distance myself for a few months. I need to get back with being positive and optimistic, I was doing so well before Monday. I really appreciate your response, it's felt good to speak out 💗

OP posts:

Original poster

SHL62 · 02/11/2023 21:16

CameraCoffeeCrochet · 02/11/2023 13:24

No, you're not horrible for having ugly feelings, it's unfair and I think we've all experienced that jealousy. (If that's the right word) .

Do what you have to do to help shield your heart from it, unfollow or mute social media accounts.
If they feel hurt then let them know you are happy for them but having a hard time and it's not a reflection on your friendship you just need more time to deal with it.

It's different kind of jealously, something we don't have control over but want what others have so much.
I'm going to distance myself from it all for a few months and probably until the baby is born.

Thank you for your response ❤️

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Original poster

SHL62 · 02/11/2023 21:25

PinkRoses1245 · 02/11/2023 13:42

You're not horrible, that's totally normal reaction. I'd gently avoid them if you can, avoid social media. Do something nice for yourself and DH if you can, can you plan a nice day out or night away? I had a miscarriage this summer, I've had to quietly step away from some friends who are pregnant. Look after yourself. And stay optimistic, you did get pregnant so every chance it'll happen again, with a healthy baby this time.

I think I am going to step away from it all. She is due 2 months after I would have been due so I know those months will be hard.

I'm sorry for your loss 💗

Good idea to plan something, we did that back in June and it helped. I also want to decorate before Christmas so I'm hoping that may distract me.

That's the outlook I took back in June it helped but this seems to have just knocked me down. I'm hoping to get in a better mindset soon. It doesn't help that I've started my period so we're at the start again 🙃
Thank you for your advice! ❤️

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Original poster

SHL62 · 02/11/2023 21:33

Smile2134 · 02/11/2023 13:53

Hi there! You’re not horrible at all. I actually am going through something very similar. I lost my pregnancy at 20 weeks 3 months ago and my sister in law just had her baby a few weeks ago. I have been going through all of those emotions as well. It’s very hard to see someone have what what you want so desperately. But the best advice I can give you is give yourself grace. You are allowed to feel how you feel and don’t force yourself to feel any other sort of way. A lot of people don’t know what it is like to go on this journey of trying to conceive. Protect your heart that’s all you can do.

Hi! I'm so sorry for your loss 💗
It's very difficult, I've never felt like this before. I've seen other people announce while we have been trying and since the miscarriage but this is just next level. I think i just need to accept its okay to feel really sad and let myself grieve. Thank you for your advice ❤️

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Original poster

SHL62 · 02/11/2023 21:36

Popetthetreehugger · 02/11/2023 14:00

Please don’t judge yourself harshly, your time will come . Get out in nature, might sound drippy , but it saves my soul . Your feeling are valid , life can be shit and unfair. None of this is anyone’s fault . Be kind to yourself . X

Thank you! I'm going to let myself be sad. Nature does help, I felt alot better today once I had been out in the cold and rain, although the dog didn't appreciate it ❤️ x

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Wise0wl · 02/11/2023 21:37

You’re not at all a terrible person @SHL62. I’ve had a very similar situation and the unfairness of it stings. A good friend told me I have to separate my loss from their baby, but in reality it’s hard to do. It’s important to feel the ugly feelings, and even though it’s a horrible club to be in, know you’re not alone! X

Original poster

SHL62 · 02/11/2023 21:40

Chloeliz99 · 02/11/2023 14:31

Your emotions are valid! I have had 2 miscarriages this year and my friend got pregnant accidentally just after I miscarried and my heart literally ached. Please don’t be harsh on yourself. Your grieving process is yours and sometimes our feelings are out of our controll. Sending all my love and hugs and wish you all the luck for the future❤️

I'm so sorry for your loss! 💗 This is similar, she has fallen pregnant accidentally, their 2nd was only born in January! It is heartbreaking! 💔 Thank you for your advice, I'm going to let myself be sad and grieve and then build myself up to be more optimistic!

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Outliers · 02/11/2023 23:33

Not horrible, just makes you human.

Give yourself time, and don't be too hard on yourself. Try to remember other people's gain is not your loss.