Am I allowed to feel this way? Long post alert

[Hzky3]

So short story age 37 3 c section children youngest now 10 we have always wanted 4 and I was cleared by ob to have a 4th cs. Rewind back over a year ago we found ourselves in financial difficulty hard times as we had just bought a new home suitable for 3+ children due to renovations etc it was both physically and mentally very hard on me and my partner trying to keep up at the time when everything was at the peak and I was emotionally drained I found out I was 5 wks pg and deep inside I knew I wanted it but felt the current situation wouldn't allow financial or mentally with so much going on I just blocked out my feelings and emotions and let fear of the future take hold and had a termination at 5wks 2 days very rushed I know I very much regret my decsion and my heart aches everyday why i didn't just shout out but I want this baby I've always wanted 4... I may have shed tears daily since 😢 but we are now in a much more stable place financially emotionally home is up togeather, and this causes me to regret my choice even more I ask myself why and grieve what could have now been. I feel as we enter the new year we could start ttc again but it feels so wrong because of the choice I made I feel like I sont deserve that joy now and need to be punished by not having more please someone help me figure out how I should feel and if its OK to feel I want to have another now

It sounds like you wanted to make the right decision for you and your family at the time. Unfortunately we can't have foresight and you didn't know that things were going to be okay in a year. It may be hard, but try to be a little kinder on yourself - think about what you'd tell a friend who was in the same situation. Forgive yourself, and I'd think about talking to your partner about how you feel too, if you think you could use some more support. You are deserving of joy and love!

Best of luck if you do decide to TTC later on in the year xx

You had to make a decision based on your situation and consider your other children. To have plunged them into financial hardship wouldn’t have been fair. You need to make peace with the fact that the timing wasn’t right and you can’t compare now and then.

You are being really hard on yourself. Of course you are allowed to want another child. Please allow yourself some grace and be as kind to yourself as you would be to your friends and family. Sending lots of love and luck.

Thankyou for you're kind words it's just so hard to feel this way when it was my decision. My husband doesn't like to talk about it much as says he managed to find his peace after the regret and guilt he felt he says for him it was a big lesson in life and he would never want to experience it again but csnt be changed so he cant let it control his future. So I try not to talk about it but all this plays over and over in my head and bad thought's overtake.

I believe we all have to make peace with decisions based on what we knew at the time, and we need to trust ourselves that our judgement was right based on everything we knew. Otherwise, we would beat ourselves up about decisions forever.

You made the right decision at the time, and you in no way knew that you would recover financially as a family.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but you can't let what you know now cloud your decision for what you knew then.

Try to TTC in the new year if that's what would make you happy and be rest assured you aren't a bad person for protecting your financial stability at a time when it was in danger.

Big big hug, OP. I know it's hard.

I'm also really struggling with now thinking I'll have ashermans because of the d&c and wouldn't concieve even if I tried this is such a horrible place to be as I'm trying with all my strength to keep thing's as normal as possible for my husband and other 3 children unfortunately we have no access to counselling were I am so this forum has been a source of great help for me so thank-you once again

Thanks again to all who took the time to asnwer its so tough