Longing to start a family but it feels so out of reach

[WetBandits]

DP and I have been together over a decade and we agreed that we are both ready to TTC in 2024. DP would be happy with or without children so isn’t putting any pressure on me. I’m 30, for context.

I’ve been having horrific lower back pain and sciatica in both legs for the past year, saw GP a few months ago who put it down to work-related strain and thought it would just resolve itself. Had physio, no improvement and I’m in 7/10 pain most days now, 9/10 on a bad day. I spoke to my GP again and have been started on pregabalin and referred for an MRI to establish what exactly I’ve done to my back. I’ve stopped going to the gym because I’m in agony all the time so I’ve stacked on weight (dreading the weight gain side effect of Pregabalin also) and my mood is dreadful.

Pregabalin use when TTC and in pregnancy has limited data so unsure if it’s even safe, plus I don’t know how I could possibly carry a pregnancy if just existing is agony at the moment, let alone actually give birth when I already feel like my pelvis has been smashed to pieces. I worry about being overweight and the added risk to a pregnancy, plus the risk of extra pregnancy weight making my pain worse. I’m worried that this will be a very long term issue that will just eat away into my fertile years and that I’ll never be physically ready for a pregnancy.

I don’t know what advice I’m looking for but I’m just sad that all our exciting plans for a baby are disintegrating and just need to vent a bit

@WetBandits that sounds rubbish and so painful. Sending you a massive hug. It sounds really positive to me that you've got the MRI coming up - hopefully that will give you some much needed answers and open up some treatment pathways for you. Try not to project ahead too much (easier said than done I know) - you never know what's waiting around the corner. I am quite in awe of people who live with chronic pain. I really hope you get some answers soon and that you are able to visualise your other dreams becoming reality. 💕

30 is still young - and I would like to think that, at your age, your health issues would have some kind of 'solution'. We started TTC our first when I was 30, but ran into fertility issues, which meant that we had our baby when I was 34. I managed to pack in two more (plus two miscarriages).

Can you concentrate for now on what you can control? Though I know it's far from easy, but the weight gain? I'm sure you already know that the extra weight won't help your condition (not preaching, I was a fatarse for many years since my 20s!!)

I suffer from sciatica that I developed in my second pregnancy so I get how painful it is. I also have osteoarthritis and lower back pain, but I'm twice your age! Would you consider Pilates or some more gentle exercise? Best with a practitioner who takes physio on board as well.

Don't worry about giving birth - you can always have a c/section. I'm the veteran of three, and while they might not be your favourite way to pass a day, they're tolerable!

I'm not sure if your physio was NHS-provided but I never found it all that helpful (when I eventually got to go!) If you can afford to go privately, I think that's much better.

Just wanted to say, don't be too despondent. Time is still on your side x

Thank you 🩷 my best friend is expecting a baby in the next few months and I was so excited to start trying for our own that now I just want to cry when I see her despite being absolutely over the moon for her.

We only want one child but it just feels like it’s not going to happen any time soon, if ever 😓

DP is 37, and I know that is by no means old, but my grandad was 45 when my mum was born and I feel like we were robbed of so many more years with him because he was that much older ☹️

I’m trying to sort the weight gain, have been eating in a calorie deficit and dragging myself off swimming as often as I can as it’s the only place I’m not in pain (would live in the water if I could!)

My physio was NHS, we do have a fast-track physio referral scheme at work (also NHS, haha) so I am going to self-refer and see if they can help me any further. I’ve changed to a clinic-based role so I’m not breaking my back on a ward for 13 hours a day anymore but I fear that’s exactly how I did the damage in the first place so it all feels too little, too late.

God I sound like a proper self-pitying miseryguts! This isn’t me at all 😩 pain really has such an effect on mood, it’s crazy.

The grandparent thing I'm afraid is something you've no control over. My mum was 20 when I was born. My dad was 38! As I said above, due to fertility issues, I had my first at 34. My mum died just before her 63rd birthday, so she only got to be a granny for 9 years, sadly. My dad passed away a few months before mum did.

I'd definitely recommend private physio - my experience with NHS was all that they were too focused on giving you exercises to do yourself, whereas private was more hands-on. Swimming sounds like a brilliant option.

I was 40 when I had our youngest and DH was 39. It just is what it is.

Hope you can get your pain sorted. It's shit, I know!

No you don't - pain does that to you! x

First, you are a family already :) it's adding to - not starting! Age wise, you don't have to massively worry, and don't let ages of your family affect you at all. It's when it's right for you and DP. Focus on your own health, see if you can see a private physio, try swimming and focus on healthy diet. Could you afford to have private fertility checks for you and DP? Might reassure you that it's fine to wait a bit whilst you hopefully feel better.