A line? A chemical? A delusion? It's not fair.

[MademoiselleFrenglish]

I’m upset.

We’ve been trying for a baby for almost a year. We went into it naively thinking that it would only take a couple of months, and since then it’s just been disappointment after disappointment.

A couple of months ago we got a positive test that turned into a chemical. This month was “THE” month of all months, I felt very strong ovulation twinges, felt all the “right” twinges at all the “right” times, had some of the bigger symptoms like nausea. I’d spent months symptom spotting and then being disappointed, so I became good at ignoring every single possible symptom until AF shows up, until these symptoms practically demanded my attention.

Then this month comes, and I take a test at 10dpo, it has a very faint line! I take another at 11dpo and there’s another faint line! We're very very cautiously optimistic. Then last night I get brown discharge - a telltale sign that AF is coming, but I brush it off, tell myself that it could be “anything”.

This morning’s test is confusing. I don’t know if I’ve just become amazing at convincing myself that I can see a line, perhaps, as I can’t tell at all if there is one or if there isn’t. I look back at the other tests from the past couple of days and I can SEE the lines, one even might have a bit of pink in it. I know I shouldn’t look at them past the 5 minutes, but I do, because we all do. I tell myself that if there was truly nothing there, then it would still be totally blank days later, like my tests from other months, but I can SEE the line.

But this morning’s? No idea. I think it might be another chemical, I have absolutely no idea. I’m overwhelmed, sad, and sick of wonderful family and friends announcing their happy news and ending up sitting there cursing myself for having the twinges of jealousy and thoughts of “why not me?”.

I know people who were TTC for years, and I curse myself for being upset when it hasn’t yet been a year for us. But this is my reality and I’m sad about it, and there’s no use comparing my situation to people who have had it worse. I’m so tired, I’m so upset and I’m sick of the thoughts that I might be infertile, that maybe we’ll still be trying 2 years from now, that we’re ready NOW and it’s not fair that we’re not conceiving. I’m bitter that we did things the right way, we waited until we had a house, our finances in order, our travels out of the way, read everything we could about conception and having a baby. I feel like we did everything right, yet it’s not happening. But friends who had nothing in place, nowhere to live, not much in the way of savings, have a child. It’s not fair and I'm selfish, and we’re both so so tired. So so upset.

I’m just venting. Hoping that someone else understands. I don’t want to talk about this with anyone in my life apart from my partner. It just absolutely fucking sucks, and I want to shout from the rooftops about how much it sucks, and how unfair it is.

Sending you strength @MademoiselleFrenglish. It absolutely does fucking SUCK.

Back in 2017, I was in the same position as you. Having spent a decade and a half trying to prevent pregnancy before that, turned out I need not have bothered because one year into TTC, we hadn’t had so much as the faintest of lines. I went to my GP and things moved quickly from there. Won’t bore you with the whole saga but the problem was quickly identified and treated and I got my BFP the first month of trying after that.

You’re entitled to all your feelings and I completely understand them. In my opinion, the best thing to do now is to channel all the energy you can muster into identifying and resolving the problem. I am a project manager in my place of work and I tried to view it as a series of tasks to complete to achieve my ultimate outcome of a baby. A “to do list” is always a good start so if you haven’t already, I’d start with the following:

• call GP to make appointment for both you and partner
• research supplements for you both and spend too much money buying them from Amazon

I’m really sorry about your line and I’m crossing everything that it gets darker when you test tomorrow. Hang in there champ.

Thanks @DoloresOnTheDottedLine , it really does suck. I'm happy that you got your BFP, it must've felt amazing.

I feel the exact same way about preventing pregnancy for over 10 years, being told how vital it is because of how easy it is to get pregnant, only to then be going through this. It's just ridiculous and kind of feels like a betrayal, like I was lied to.

I'm being referred this month, I thankfully have a very kind doctor who is fine with starting everything slightly sooner than usual, just to get a jump on things. I don't have any clue what the tests will entail, though.

I've asked pharmacists which vitamins I should take and they've all said the same "you don't need to take anything! just relax, it'll happen!!", even when I've insisted. It's ridiculous. I'm going to ask my doctor about vitamins again and will make a far too big order on Amazon.

God, it's all very shit, isn't it.

Sending you hugs 🤗 just wanted to say what unhelpful and stupid comments from the pharmacists! Apparently “it starts with the egg” is brilliant in terms of supplements and natural ways to improve fertility. Might be worth a read x

I'd definitely get yourselves booked in for testing. We found out that my husband had very low sperm motility after we'd been trying for a year with no luck. We were put on the IVF pathway right away and I had a HyCoSy test leading up to that. I got pregnant naturally the month after the HyCoSy so we feel that might have had something to do with it as well.

I wish you all of the luck and hope you get your sticky bfp soon :D

Tommys baby charity are v kind and v good at listening re chemical pregnancies etc

Get your feretin - b12 - vit D checked - all v important in conception

The book - it starts with an egg - highly recomend

Your other half - get his sperm checked

Have you ever had a transvaginal scan checking ovaries etc ? -.ask 4 one

Tommys baby charity email today - including the importance of vit D

It's easy to forget to take supplements when you have other worries but here are 2 that are worth taking.Folic acid

Folic acid takes a while to build up in your body to give maximum protection to a baby from spina bifida or other neural tube disorders.

Ideally it should be taken daily for at least 3 months before becoming pregnant and then until week 12 of pregnancy.

Neural tube disorders can cause life-changing disabilities so folic acid is important.

Some people need a higher dose of folic acid, for example if you have a higher BMI, diabetes or epilepsy.

Your doctor can prescribe this for you and it will be free of charge.

You can read more about folic acid, including how much to take, here.Folic acid

Folic acid takes a while to build up in your body to give maximum protection to a baby from spina bifida or other neural tube disorders.

Ideally it should be taken daily for at least 3 months before becoming pregnant and then until week 12 of pregnancy.

Neural tube disorders can cause life-changing disabilities so folic acid is important.

You don't need the expensive branded supplements, own-label pharmacy or supermarket folic acid is just as effective.

You may be eligible for free supplements through the Healthy Start scheme.

You can read more about folic acid, including how much to take, here.Vitamin D

Our research recently showed that vitamin D deficiency has a significant link to miscarriage.

Vitamin D deficiency is common in the general population and even more common in those who cover their head or those with dark skin.

That's why we recommend that everyone who is pregnant or planning a pregnancy takes vitamin D.

Read more about vitamin D, including how much to take, here.Hope we have been helpful.

Tommy's midwives

Totally agree about the vitamin D thing. I had no idea it was linked to miscarriage but I had my vitamin levels checked after my second miscarriage and found out I was severely deficient in vitamin D. I'm currently 7+6 with a new pregnancy and mercifully everything seems normal this time.

@MademoiselleFrenglish I have never resonated with a post more. I've had an anger burning up in me recently with the unfairness of it all. My story is a little different to yours but since we started TTC last June I've had a stillbirth at 25 weeks and two miscarriages and still no living child. I'm currently undergoing testing and it just all feels very unfair.

As others have said read the book 'it starts with the egg' and I've also started taking Ovum supplements. They include all the supplements recommended in the book. Expensive but worth it to feel like I'm putting all into it.

Sending you a huge hug x

Sorry to hear about your miscarriages
Tough going is miscarriage

Glad to hear all is going well

@worldwidetravel2017 Thank you :) Just hoping this is the one we get to keep and we can close the TTC chapter of our lives 🙏🏻

Agree with the Vitamin D! And do not forget the iron too!
I had a miscarriage and I only got pregnant after my iron deficiency was revealed and I have been taken some strong iron medicine for a month.

Get some blood work done (both of you). If you can afford it, go private!

Thank you all so much for your kind messages, they really do feel like a hug, I'm so grateful. I'm going to buy "it starts with the egg" and do some more research. Honestly, you'd think with the amount of research I've done over the past year that I'd be a fertility expert, but I feel like I know nothing at all!

@Vic231 I couldn't have put it better myself, it really is a rage, isn't it? I feel sad, but my main emotion yesterday was anger.

I'm going to place an order today for some vitamins, and the usual ovulation strips/pregnancy tests/pre-seed. AF arrived yesterday, so here we go again, I suppose.