Committing to TTC... freaking out!

[MRoseP]

I'm hoping I can get some advice or at least hoping others will relate to this...

Husband and I have decided now feels like the right time to start TTC for our first baby and I've checked in on my app and I'm approaching my fertile window. I've been feeling really positive and content about starting this journey but knowing I have to actually commit now I'm having wobbles like "am I ready?"... aghhhh!

Just turned 30 this month, have been married a good few years and, up until recently, have found many excuses to wait a bit longer. Covid was a massive one and wanted to wait until the worst of it passed. Now I've sort of run out of excuses and I think it's go time.

I would LOVE to experience parenthood. I see myself with children and I know my husband will make a wonderful dad. But taking the plunge is proving harder than I thought!

I think it's the idea that, once you DTD, that's it. You've committed and you are potentially opening yourself up to all the highs and lows of pregnancy and birth. It's scary. It's impossible to predict your own pregnancy journey or how your birth will pan out. I think it's the fear of the unknown and I'm finding that unpredictability daunting.

Anyone felt the same (or currently feels the same)?

Totally relatable! I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes it's the biological surge of 'this is all I want and need' vs the reality hit of how enormous it actually is as a life step.

You sound like you've got the perfect set up though, it must be really exciting.

Maybe to ease yourself in you could wait until slightly out of prime fertile period? Have some unprotected DTD time this month but without the enormity of thinking this could be it. That way by the time the next month's fertile period comes round you may feeling more relaxed and confident about it all?

Or just go for it! Sounds like you're ready as you'll ever be. Right now I get what you mean though, it's like a cliff you sometimes want to jump off and then suddenly think wait hang on 😆

How is your husband about it all?

Hiya! Checking in as a fellow TTCer. Well, day 5 of my cycle today and first cycle we’ve decided to properly try… eek. We’re mid 20s

Totally relate to all of what you’ve said. I swing between thinking, shit are we really ready, to this is ALL we want. Brains are weird.

I fell pregnant (by accident) at the beginning of this year, freaked out and ended up terminating. It would’ve been poor timing with our wedding. I really surprised myself, all I have ever wanted is to be a mummy but in that moment I was like a deer in the headlights terrified that life had just changed in that moment. Something so simple as peeing on a stick changes your whole entire world forever, there’s little else in life that brings such a big change. With hindsight we’d have made it work but I wanted to be sure we got it right. It was only after that I discovered a thread with hundreds of women saying they’d had a WTF have I done moment after a positive pregnant test, some of them even had this after trying for years or going through IVF. I’ve made my peace with it now but I wish someone had been able to tell me then that my reaction was normal and being daunted and worried didn’t mean we’d made a mistake.

On the basis of all that I’d say the way you’re feeling is 100% normal. I think the fact you’re thinking about it so much says you’ll make the best mummy. If I can find that thread I was talking about, I’ll link it.

You’ll be fine, you got this! It’ll be good to be on the same journey together 💕 best of luck to you x

@skyerojo So glad you relate! I like your thinking of using this month as a trial month and sort of do it outside of the fertile window as a test just to break the ice haha.

Might sound odd, but I almost feel like I need a couple of months of TTC unsuccessfully to really cement that it is what I want. Just to stir those feelings of "Oh no a negative, now I'm sad!". Hate to jinx things as obviously I don't want to wish any problems conceiving for myself.

Hubby has been ready for a few years but very un-pressurising which has been great. He's 35 so a bit older than me and his siblings, who are very close in age, have just started having children... which he adores! Bless him he's really looking forward to having children of his own...

It's a huge deal having children I totally agree. It's not been a decision I've taken lightly... I think it's important to be informed and learn from friends and family who have children.

What's your current situation if you don't mind me asking?

Breaking the ice 😆 I know what you mean.

Maybe tell yourself for this first little while you're 'not trying but not preventing'. A less intense intro to it all when you put it that way perhaps. Will you be using ovulation strips etc. or go natural and just see what happens for a while?

I've just turned 33 and the last few months feel that the urge has really arrived. Suddenly all I can think about. Also because of my age I guess I'm that bit more panicky too to want to get started (this would be #1). My partner hasn't had the same biological clock tick as me obviously, but is starting to feel ready too so we've agreed by end of this year it will be happening 🤞 taking folic acid now to prep.

So, my inner struggle is going from always being the one pushing for it, and as soon as he says ok ready, I'm suddenly thinking argh this is quite full on! But I know its what I want, just really hope for a positive journey. And for you guys too!

@maybemaybeno Hello! Glad to hear these feelings may be more common than I thought! Thank you for sharing your journey so far... What I'm realising is everyone seems to have their own journey and path to parenthood. I'm glad you've made peace with that time in your life, must not have been easy and I can totally understand your decision and circumstance.

I don't know about you but I tend to lean on the anxious side of things (well, most things haha) so I think there's an added worry there and I maybe have concerns I'm not strong enough or tough enough to ride the rollercoaster that is pregnancy and birth. Physically and emotionally.

Those are more my fears... the post-birth, being an actual parent doesn't scare me. I'm excited about that (although totally appreciate that it will be challenging too) It's just the getting there that I have fears about!

Do you have many friends with kids you can talk to?

@MRoseP I absolutely felt like this the first month I tried! My journey has been super long for various reasons and still no kids, and I still get feelings of "am I really even thinking about having kids?!" 😅 don't think any of it will feel real unless I am lucky enough to end up with a baby in my arms.

@MRoseP thank you! I wondered that, your post reads to me like you’re a worrier (only because it takes one to know one). It’s such a huge change and something beyond our imagination at the moment so I’m sure it’s normal to be hesitant. It just shows you care.

I have a friend who is also TTC soon, similar age to me. We aren’t yet 25 though so we are really young by todays standard especially to be planning it, I guess. We haven’t spoken to anyone else about it but my mum has made a few comments like, ‘by -event- you might have a little person’ etc so I think she knows that’s what we’re gearing up to do.

DH is really excited, he’s listening to a podcast on things new dads should know. He was super giddy to tell me about it the other day haha. We both know it’s going to probably be the most difficult (yet rewarding) thing we do and we are as prepared to expect the unexpected, as one could be, I think.

It sounds like your DH can’t wait too but it’s so good that he’s not pushed you towards it and has waited for you to be ready. Do you know how many children you’d like or have you not thought that much about it?

So nice to read things that I can relate to so much! We’re TTC #1 and we’re currently waiting to see if our second cycle has been successful - trying not to overthink at this stage haha

i definitely know what you mean about the ‘oh god this could actually happen now’ feeling and doubting the decision to start trying but in the last few months when we’ve not been trying but wouldn’t prevent anything I have felt myself being disappointed each month when AF turns up which is definitely a change from what it used to be! 😂

@Katie276 its so great isn’t it, to know that others feel the same. Very comforting!

I think the trying but not preventing method is definitely a good approach. The thing is I’m so aware of my fertile window (I’ve tracked my cycle for years and always spot cervical mucus changes) it’s hard for me to not think about it too much!

Well done for starting the journey! You’ve taken the leap! I think it’s a great sign you’re disappointed when AF turns up.

It’s funny… I’m sort of in that naive mindset where you think oh it will happen first time!! That’s what we were taught in school! It only needs one time, it’s so easy to get pregnant! But I know the reality isn’t like that. I know for some it is, but for the majority it takes some time.

How did you feel first cycle? And how did you feel during the infamous TWW?

@maybemaybeno worriers unite!! You sound like you’ve got an equally supportive partner which is amazing.

My husband is one of 4 so I think he’d like more than one but is pretty easy going. I’m definitely going to start with one and see how I feel! I think I’d be very content with one but of course if you feel like you’ve got a good handle on things and you’ve adjusted well, why not have another?! Definitely open to more than one for sure!

How about you?

@skyerojo I’ve had the odd dunk of an OPK I will admit! But nothing consistent at all just more out of curiosity. I have them currently sitting in my bathroom cabinet and had intended to start giving them a go. Also on the prenatal vits.

I hope for a positive journey too (and for everyone on the thread!) I would love to think it won’t be as scary as I’m making it out to be. But in this day and age where we talk so much more openly about the hard side of pregnancy and birth (and it’s important to do that so others don’t feel so alone) it also can make it easy for others to cling onto the negatives and think all the bad stuff will happen. Sometimes the scarier stories feel louder and it’s hard not to pay attention to those. But we must remind ourselves that plenty of women have smooth pregnancies and positive births!

Harping back to the fear of the unknown. But I think I just need to have a bit of courage. I’m on CD 10 of a usually anywhere between 29-33 day cycle so CD16 ish is usually when I presume I ovulate. So time is ticking this month! Will report back and let the thread know if I’ve been brave enough haha

Thank you so much for this post! Just what I needed and all these lovely comments are so great.

Im planning to TTC in a few months and honestly, went from ‘what an exciting idea’ to ‘I don’t think I can tolerate this experience and risk everything changing’ in a matter of days (can thank AF for that mood swing). But I’ve been feeling so anxious and uncertain about the whole idea. I’m just like you- super keen for kids, in a good place to do this but just that final leap is so scary! I thought I’d be so relaxed about it but I’m going full anxious over thinker (hope this isn’t a premonition of my whole journey around this 🤦‍♀️ haha)

Seeing all this has just made me feel so normal again.

@MRoseP oh yeah 100% - it feels like in school all I was taught was it only takes one time and you get pregnant..😂 so it’s kind of like having to relearn everything and lower your expectations and not think things are immediately wrong if it doesn’t work first time!

my last cycle was our first really ‘trying’ and it did feel like oh wow this is happening then and then there was a slight panic in my TWW when I was waiting to find out but in a way I’m glad AF came so that it showed me that it is something I want.

Absolutely felt this way first couple of months, now half a year later I'm much more keen to get pregnant and just get going. But I remember having a bit of a panic attack when we first DTD without a condom. All those months of wishing we weren't using condoms and I was the one who freaked out lol. Silly brain.

I remember that feeling! It was a 'shit just got real' kind of moment. That knowledge that actually, any month now it could actually happen! It was exciting and terrifying. I came off the pill and for 8 months we just didn't use protection - I wasn't tracking ovulation or anything. I was in the last months of writing up my PhD thesis so it wasn't my main focus. Then the month after submitting my thesis, I had a 47 day cycle (!!!) - extremely unusual for me and which I'm pretty sure was anovulatory due to stress. Something switched and suddenly I just wanted it with all my focus! Thankfully after that one dodgy cycle, things got back on track. I Started using opks and got pregnant on the 4th cycle. By then I was so ready to see that second line. But the reality of it then hit all over again! I don't think you ever feel ready. Even after my son was born I would have moments of looking at him in my arms and thinking "shiiiit!!" Haha. But he's now 2 1/2 and the absolute best thing in my life 🥰

I've had two losses this year. A MMC in April and a CP last month which is really crap, but I still get a bit scared about 'is a 2nd a crazy idea?! How will I cope with two?!' Except I know I will when that rainbow baby comes along. Because you evolve as a mother at the same time as your baby/ies grow.

I am sure that every single one of you will be awesome mums because you already care enough to discuss this in an online forum 💕😊 You're apprehensive because it's a massive life change! But it is an amazing one.

Normal reaction, and there's no perfect time. Do remember you have quite a while, it's not like baby arrives tomorrow. And have zero expectations - it's normal to take 6-12 months to even have a pregnancy.

Did you take the plunge @MRoseP?!

@skyerojo I took the plunge! Here's how it went...

Took your advice and dtd on a low-ish fertile day to break the ice (for me that was cd 12 as I tend to have a 30-32 day cycle which means I presumably ovulate anywhere around cd 16-18 if you stick by the basic calculation method).

I had started taking OPKs too and my test on cd12 was low so thought it was a good chance to test the water without too much riding on it.

Felt good the next day... definitely relieved to get that first dtd out the way!

Then, I guess that gave me some confidence so I continued OPK testing just to see where I was at. Highly recommend amazon easy@home cheapies and follow their suggestion of linking up with the premom app to track (it's free). Found it so easy as you take pics of each test to upload in the app and they give you a number/score based on your test line which in theory you should start to see rise until they register your peak.

I noticed I started to peak on CD 15 (evening) as the test line was the same colour as the control line (they had been very faint up until this point), did a clearblue ovulation test just to see what that would say as I was reserving those for when I was confident that I was approaching peak... didnt want to be using those all month long as they are very expensive!

First clearblue ovulation test I've ever done and it went straight to a static smile! I was expecting maybe a flashing smile which would suggest high fertile day but nope... straight to peak smile! Turns out the amazon cheapies registered my peak technically the following morning which was cd 16 but the clearblue definitely registered my peak evening of cd 15.

Feeling a little confidence boost, we dtd that night!

What followed was actually quite a strong anxiety reaction the next day. Very very anxious the whole day and the evening I was really not feeling great. Sort of like "what have I done?". Honestly, felt terrible. Really wound myself up. I was terribly bloated, tummy felt sensitive... maybe that was ovulation day I don't know but I just felt weird and quite nauseous. Probably from the anxiety!

Haven't dtd since.... thought I'd just let it all simmer down haha.

So! In theory I guess there's quite a possibility I could have conceived as I dtd on the day I got a peak reading which was cd 15 (test was at 8:30pm and we dtd at midnight so kind of crossed over to cd16) and IF I ovulated it would have likely been cd 16/17. I can't confirm ov because I don't track my basal body temp. Can't be bothered with that at all.

Now I wait! After my horrible anxious day the day after dtd, I feel much calmer. I am finding in the mornings, I'm super chilled and really hoping to get a bfp. Come evening I usually feel a bit more anxious BUT overall, I'm hoping we might have done it!

Supposedly 3 dpo today (although you can never be sure) so I guess I'm in the tww?? I don't know... am I in with a shot considering we dtd on a peak ov day? I know it was only once and loads of people dtd LOADS during their fertile window.

Sorry that was mega long. Will keep you posted whatever happens!

Also, just want to add I definitely don't have my hopes high. I am very aware it takes healthy couples a good few months so I'm preparing for it not to happen this month. It would be utterly insane if it did considering it's our first month and we only dtd once in the fertile window. Honestly I'm good either way. I think if I don't get a bfp this time, I reckon it will solidify it's what I want and I can just enjoy trying again next month feeling much more relaxed!

@SnookyPook thank you for sharing your journey! I'm happy to hear you also felt the same with your son first time round and now he's here, you absolutely adore him!

I am so sorry to hear about your losses this year and really sending positivity your way on your TTC journey for #2. If you're happy to, would you mind sharing more about your chemical? I see people talking about CP but I'm not sure what that means exactly...

@MRoseP ah thank you ☺️

Of course... basically a CP is a super early miscarriage that happens around the time of implantation or shortly after - before you are 5wks pregnant. So with my chemical, I tested day AF was due (14dpo) and got a positive. It wasn't super strong but that didn't worry me overly as I've previously had quite faint initial tests at 14/15dpo. However, I tested again at 18dpo and the line was still faint which rang alarm bells. Knowing the cheap tests aren't always great at showing progression, I did a digital the next day, and that came up as 'not pregnant'. I then started bleeding the day after. GP did a blood test for me the day after my bleeding started and confirmed it had been a super early loss as they could still detect minimal HCG.

It is usually an indication that the egg that was trying to implant just wasn't viable at all due to chromosomal issues etc. Sometimes it's caused by hormonal imbalances or things like that in the Mum. Evidence suggests CPs are actually pretty common but are only more known about now because we can test so much earlier these days. In previous eras, women would have just thought their periods were a few days late. It's disappointing but it's not hit me nearly as hard as the MMC did earlier in the year. However, it is one reason that personally I'm not a bit fan of early testing. Currently 11dpo but will hold off until AF due... even though the waiting is almost unbearable! 🤪

I'm still not sure if I'm ready OP... and I have 2 DC 🤣 totally normal to feel the way you do, it's the biggest thing you'll ever do in your life, having a family. That's scary!!

Well done @MRoseP! Big deal. I'm sure the flips back to anxious will get less and less until one day you realise you no longer feel that way. Would be v excited for you if this becomes a first time success story! But equally as you say it will likely just make you realise you want it more if it takes a little longer.

I'm also wondering if my feelings switch around depending on where I am in my cycle, which would kind of make sense? Lead up to/around ov it's all I want, post ov suddenly that feeling drops a bit and I think actually maybe there's reasons not to yet.... Biology is weird!

Was it your month @MRoseP? How's things

My one-hit wonder didn't result in a BFP.... wow what an emotional journey that month was! Haha. The TWW was an interesting one... some mornings woke up feeling like I wanted it to happen and other days I felt more anxious but yes, AF came bang on time as predicted.

I was a little disappointed when I saw the BFN because the naivety in me wanted to think it was a given if you had unprotected sex in your fertile window. But I know that to expect a BFP after one DTD in the first month is unrealistic! I know it takes healthy couples a few goes at least!

I am not TTC this month due to a few different reasons but I learned a lot from last month in terms of the TTC process, how I reacted and processed emotions and I do feel more mentally prepared and at ease to start the process again soon.

I'm not sure when that will be, to be honest. We have a few fun things planned in the coming months like holidays etc that may be disrupted if I were to be pregnant (or overcome with morning sickness!) so it might be more sensible to wait until those are over. Might be in the NY...

How are you feeling about it?