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Conception

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Original poster

I want to start TTC, my partner does not

26 replies

Chloeanne1999 · 21/09/2023 13:49

i don’t know why I’m even typing this, I guess I’m just feeling a lot and need somewhere to get it out. As the title says, I’m so ready to start TTC but my partner is not. And whilst I obviously respect his decision and won’t push it or force it, I guess I just feel bummed and upset. I know I’m not in a rush, and maybe one day he’ll be ready. It just hurts a little bit currently seeing people having children and announcing pregnancies. I’m so happy with him, I can’t imagine being with anyone else and I’ll happily wait to start a family with him, I’m just feeling a lot and need to get it out somewhere. I don’t want to keep talking about it to him as I’m worried it’s starting to come across as pushy and like I’m trying to convince him. I’m just a bit sad about it

OP posts:
DoneAdulting · 21/09/2023 13:51

How old are you and how long have you been together?

Original poster
Chloeanne1999 · 21/09/2023 13:51

I’m currently 25, been together 2.5 years

OP posts:
Summer2424 · 21/09/2023 13:55

Hi @Chloeanne1999
Totally hear you hun and here to listen xx

Original poster
Chloeanne1999 · 21/09/2023 14:02

@Summer2424 Thank you. Honestly I’m not even sure what to say, I just feel upset and like my time will never come. I know I’m only young so there’s plenty of time, but what if we really struggle to conceive? What if it takes years and years? What if he’s not ready until we’re 35 and it’s only then that we realise we can’t? There’s just so many questions and what ifs running through my brain and I can’t switch it off

OP posts:
PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 21/09/2023 14:07

I think you are still very young but you don’t want to be waiting another 10 years. Has he said when he will be willing to try can you compromise on a date say another 18 months. If in the time limit you mentally decide you are willing to wait then you may need to think about moving on.

SnookyPook · 21/09/2023 14:13

It's horrible when you're ready for a 'next phase' and your partner isn't. I think sometimes men are a bit more driven by wanting to tick off other important goals etc before they feel ready to embark on parenthood - especially if they are quite traditional and feeling like they will be the provider etc (even if you work too). Given your ages, is he possibly just wanting to get more settled in his career and financial position etc before starting a family? I had similar with my now Hubby (and we didn't even meet until I was 27!) - I really felt the ticking clock so much, and we knew we wanted to be together.. but he was very process driven. He wanted to finish his graduate degree (big career change) etc before we married, and we wanted to be married before kids... I was so angsty at times about how long it was all taking! Looking back now, he does sometimes say he wishes we'd done stuff earlier... but we also acknowledge our careers etc would have suffered so... 🤷🏼‍♀️

All this to say, I understand! That said, at least you are in a slightly better position than some because time really is on your side (although I know that can feel patronising and irritating... sorry!!)

Have you managed to have conversations about life dreams, what you both want to achieve etc and where/when he does see kids fitting in? Would it be possible to have that kind of chat without him feeling pressured? It might help you both to know what page you are actually on. And maybe, if he tells you actually he'll probably be ready in a couple of years once he's done 'x' you might find it easier to be patient than if he's just saying "maybe in my 30s..." or something equally vague!

Hopefully healthy babies will be in your not-too-distant future 💕

oakleaffy · 21/09/2023 14:14

Just be aware that if you “
Accidentally “ get pregnant, he may be unhappy and head for hills, so you may live the life of a single parent - which is very hard.

The urge to procreate tends to be woman led-

25 is very young- It’s probably your hormones raging…
At least he is honest and says he isn’t ready for a child yet.

Summer2424 · 21/09/2023 14:14

@Chloeanne1999
Bless you hun, i know how you feel i've wanted kids for as long as i can remember. Eventually it did happen but in my 40's. Just didn't find anyone until i was 40 yrs old.
As the above post hun, can you both come to some sort of compromise? Or maybe have a timeframe in mind and if it doesn't happen by then think about moving on which i know isn't easy xx

Original poster
Chloeanne1999 · 21/09/2023 14:14

We’ve had a few discussions about it, but no definitive answers. Which I understand, it’s a very big decision and not one to take lightly. He’s said he will one day. I understand he wants to be in the best place possible before we bring a child into the world and I wholeheartedly agree. I’ve known him since I was 14, he’s been my best friend for a long time so I’ve known his stance on children for a long time, He’s always wanted a little girl. I’ve always said I’d like to have a child when I’m around 26, provided I’m stable and everything is okay. I know there’s time, and that I don’t need to rush it. I’ve just been feeling a lot lately and I don’t really have many people to talk to

OP posts:
GangOfNineteenWuds · 21/09/2023 14:18

Have you had all the discussions that go with planning a child? Have you looked at the cost of childcare near you? Do you have savings to cover your reduced pay whilst on maternity?How long a maternity would you want? Do you know what your maternity package is? Have you discussed how finances will work once you are pregnant with paying for all the things a baby needs like a pram, cot etc and then how finances will work once the baby is here? How stable is his job? How stable is your job? What is your housing situation? You are 25 how old is he? What was the agreed timeline for children when you discussed it?

If you are concerned that delaying could mean potential issues further down the line why not arrange a fertility test to see if you have any issues. 25 is still young, it isn't as though you are 38. Having a baby is one hell of a commitment, I assume you are okay with being unmarried, because you are potentially risking a lower pay, lower pension contributions, probably less chance of career advancement etc. And to put it 5 years down the line, school holidays are 13 weeks of the year. Unless you only work term time then you will need to fund that childcare too. When I say you, I mean you both need to sit down and talk about that. Look into before and after school club, £18 a day where I am.

Barleysugar86 · 21/09/2023 14:19

I think you are unusually young for kids so I'm surprised you know so many mums (average for the UK is first child at 32 for a woman and 33 for a man).

But its not unreasonable to feel out what your partner expects of his life/ does he see himself married/ with kids/ what sort of age. There is a big difference between waiting for someone who things they will likely want kids in their thirties or waiting for someone who isn't sure they want kids at all.

oakleaffy · 21/09/2023 14:20

Chloeanne1999 · 21/09/2023 14:14

We’ve had a few discussions about it, but no definitive answers. Which I understand, it’s a very big decision and not one to take lightly. He’s said he will one day. I understand he wants to be in the best place possible before we bring a child into the world and I wholeheartedly agree. I’ve known him since I was 14, he’s been my best friend for a long time so I’ve known his stance on children for a long time, He’s always wanted a little girl. I’ve always said I’d like to have a child when I’m around 26, provided I’m stable and everything is okay. I know there’s time, and that I don’t need to rush it. I’ve just been feeling a lot lately and I don’t really have many people to talk to

When that insane “urge for a baby” hits, it’s crazy- like an all consuming obsession.

I was not a baby person, but had it hit hard in my early 20s

It is a horrible feeling- I don’t envy you!

oakleaffy · 21/09/2023 14:21

GangOfNineteenWuds · 21/09/2023 14:18

Have you had all the discussions that go with planning a child? Have you looked at the cost of childcare near you? Do you have savings to cover your reduced pay whilst on maternity?How long a maternity would you want? Do you know what your maternity package is? Have you discussed how finances will work once you are pregnant with paying for all the things a baby needs like a pram, cot etc and then how finances will work once the baby is here? How stable is his job? How stable is your job? What is your housing situation? You are 25 how old is he? What was the agreed timeline for children when you discussed it?

If you are concerned that delaying could mean potential issues further down the line why not arrange a fertility test to see if you have any issues. 25 is still young, it isn't as though you are 38. Having a baby is one hell of a commitment, I assume you are okay with being unmarried, because you are potentially risking a lower pay, lower pension contributions, probably less chance of career advancement etc. And to put it 5 years down the line, school holidays are 13 weeks of the year. Unless you only work term time then you will need to fund that childcare too. When I say you, I mean you both need to sit down and talk about that. Look into before and after school club, £18 a day where I am.

Eminently sensible advice.
So true.

Original poster
Chloeanne1999 · 21/09/2023 14:23

We have looked into finances and stuff like that, especially if we had a child. We’ve both put a lot of thought into it. Both have stable jobs, stable home life, stable income/housing, a house that’s more than big enough. He is also 25. When discussing he said maybe late 20’s so nothing definitive. I don’t want to rush into anything which is why I won’t push it or anything. I want us both to be comfortable with the decision.

I do actually only work term time, so childcare during holidays wouldn’t be an issue, and we’ve discussed things like how long I’d stay off on mat leave, and how we’d split everything like finances and childcare and chores. I know it’s a massive decision, and it’s not one I take lightly. I know it’s in mine and any future children’s best interests to wait, I’m just feeling a lot

OP posts:
PinkRoses1245 · 21/09/2023 14:24

You’re 25. Have fun! I didn’t want kids when I was 25. I’m 34 and only just getting to the point of considering it. DH the same.

SnookyPook · 21/09/2023 14:28

@Chloeanne1999 I think there's lots to be hopeful about. The fact he has had all these discussions with you suggests he's taking it all very seriously and definitely does see kids in the future. And late twenties is only a couple of years away... it's so hard when you want something and can't have it right away, but I think you're doing the right thing in giving him his space and trying to be patient. If no sign in a couple of years then definitely bring it up again.

In terms of if you struggle, there would still be plenty of time for investigations etc if you start before 30. Try not to worry about it all too much... though again, easier said than done, I know.

Original poster
Chloeanne1999 · 21/09/2023 14:31

I hope it’s just my hormones raging that’s making me feel such strong urges to have a child, I just don’t really know how to process the feelings as I’ve never had them like this before. I’ve always wanted to be a parent but I’ve always put it off as I’ve been too young. I think maybe it’s because it’s approaching the age at which I’ve always thought I’d have a child that it’s particularly strong. I’m happy to wait, I know it’s what’s best, it just hurts a bit right now

OP posts:
PenelopePlant · 21/09/2023 15:17

My clock started ticking out of control when I hit 31 ish, I'd been with my partner 4 years, knew we wanted a baby together and really felt ready then.

He wasn't ready. I cried, we talked. We revisited the convo in 6 months of I remember correctly.

Again he wasn't ready. Wanted to get married and buy a house first which, which we are currently doing.

I told him it was painful how much I needed a baby now. I didn't want to be much older and I was ready now.

He wasn't happy but understood, and as we planned to have a baby at some point he agreed to try, reluctantly.

Trying was crap, was stressful and disappointing and made sex rubbish.

We now have a toddler! OH adores him and thanks me for nudging him in the right direction, as my partner is, like many men, reluctant to veer off his black and white path.

Does your partner want a baby with you? Are you sure you are ready together?

Statistically you know someone as well as you can know them after 4 years, why not have a discussion and see if you can revisit in 18 months as someone else suggested.

In the meantime get some savings behind you, and take some foreign holidays.

Having a baby is wonderful. But it is hard, and life changing and stressful.

greentree16 · 21/09/2023 17:05

Just wanted to say I totally get where you're coming from on wanting kids. I'm slightly older than you but I think meeting your partner young does make you want to perhaps do those things younger than your friends.

Of course reality needs to play into it but you will make the right decision based on your situation I'm sure 😊 The most important thing to do right now is be open and honest about how you're feeling with your partner x

ChloeN · 21/09/2023 17:56

@Chloeanne1999 i know exactly how you feel, I wanted to ttc a while before my partner and it was really hard. It seemed the whole world was having babies and I wasn’t, but I felt like I didn’t have a right to feel upset about it because I wasn’t even trying! I kept getting told I was young and too enjoy myself but I knew I was ready to be a mum and have a family so that didn’t make things any better. In the end my partner came round, but I think a lot of it was that he knew I wouldn’t hang around and wait for him forever! It’s always unfair on the person whose ready first because you can’t do it by yourself. Just know you’re not alone, I felt really down about it for a long time because no one else seemed to relate xxx

HarrietStyles · 21/09/2023 18:09

I can totally understand your pain - I had always wanted to be a Mum since I was a young myself. My husband and I met at uni when we were 18 and 20. By my mid twenties I was just so in love with him, and the urge to get married and start a family was so intense, I was totally ready. My husband (boyfriend at the time) wanted to buy a place first, then get married, wait a few years……….. and I was honestly worried that he was just saying the right things to keep me happy and would one day run for the hills and leave me too old to conceive. But I knew deep down that I trusted him and he had a point - we bought a house when I was 26, got married when I was 29 and then once those were in place he said he was really ready to start a family when I was 30. I think a lot of men want to make sure everything is safe and settled first - a lot more sensible than me haha! He also had two promotions and we were more financially secure for me to go on Mat leave and then decide to be a SAHM for many years. We now have 4 gorgeous children together and financial security. In hindsight he was 100% right and I wouldn’t change the timeline for anything. In my opinion your twenties is for being selfish - travel, have lie-ins, go on fun nights out with your friends, be spontaneous, spend your money treating yourself. Then you are more than ready to make the sacrifices in being a parent in your thirties.

MrJollyLivesNextDoor · 21/09/2023 18:28

Do you have plans to get married?

Original poster
Chloeanne1999 · 21/09/2023 18:41

We do, we’ve discussed marriage quite a lot, and often talk about the our wedding day and stuff.

it’s making me feel so much less alone in my feelings. I felt like I was going crazy as the urge is just so intense. Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply

OP posts:
MrsHousePlant · 21/09/2023 21:14

I’m another one who was ready before my partner. I think it’s way more common than we realise but nobody talks about it!

I felt really upset at the time and couldn’t really understand why he wasn’t as excited as me to add to our family. We agreed on a couple of things to do before we tried and set timelines/dates, we got married and had a big holiday together as agreed and now we are trying. I think having something else you’re looking forward to or working towards can really help in the interim. I think the female urge and want for children is something that men don’t quite get! You’ll both get there, but sending you love as it is hard to wait 💕

StampOnTheGround · 21/09/2023 21:16

We fell pregnant when I was 27, but I'd been with DH since I was 16 - majority of the other mums at the baby groups were in their 30s.

25 and only being together 2.5 years, you've got time - enjoy being together.