Sorry not sure of this is the correct place...
So just a little background.. I'm 34 (birthday was July) I have a 6 year old son from a previous long term relationship. I have been with my present partner for over three years now and after falling pregnant unexpectedly early on in our relationship we made the decision to not continue with the pregnancy as I wasn't in the right place at the time (the break up from my previous relationship was still very hard and I was dealing with a lot of stress etc) I was also aware of my age and after having my son and leaving his father I had decided at that point that I didn't want anymore children. I didn't ever want my son to feel like he was second best or left out etc etc.. I had a lot of guilt in that aspect when me and my now partner discussed having a baby (he is 30 and has no children of his own) upon discussing it he made it very clear that having no children of his own was not an issue for him (another aspect of guilt I feel) and that he is happy with whatever I decided. Soo.. after a lot of back and forth we decided to take it off the table.. we officially decided we were not going to have a baby now or in the future. And don't get me wrong I love my freedom.. my son's 6 now so his getting more Independent and I co-parent with his dad so I do get some free time and I wont lie sometimes it's heaven having an afternoon to myself... But I just can't stop this niggling feeling that were missing out on sharing something together. I absolutely adore my partner (were due to get married next year) and he is a fantastic step dad and would make an incredible dad. Its just so hard to know what these thoughts mean, am I just romanticing it and not thinking realistically? I have so much guilt around my son and not wanting him to feel left out or jealous and then there's my age and thinking I'll be 45 by the times he/she is 10.. which I know isn't a bad thing it's just not something I planned. And it's just so hard to know what the right thing to do when my life didn't exactly go 'to plan' in the first place and its such a life altering decision! Sorry I feel like I'm just ranting..