Long road TTC - should I quit work?

[hja62]

Hi,

Looking for some advice. I have a beautiful DD1 who is 18 months old. She took 4 years and €15,000 of fertility treatment.

We've been TTC DC2 for a year now. In that space of time I've had a chemical (from an FET), a cancelled FET, a hysteroscopy, a surprise natural pregnancy (our first ever in 5 years) that ended in MMC at 8 weeks and a D&C, and finally a miscarriage at 7 weeks from our latest FET.

I'm broken from it all. We have two frozen embryos left.

I have a very high stress job. I work full time and have worked extremely hard for 12 years to achieve my current role and salary. My DH feels very strongly that I need to quit or take a significant step back in order to increase our chances. Going part time or scaling back my responsibility isn't an option. I have a large team reporting into me with a huge client base. It's not a role you could do part time.

I think he is right, but at the same time it would break me heart and the thought of the change terrifies me. But I have heard lots of anecdotal stories of people who have quit work and suddenly got pregnant.

I am (secretly) convinced my MMC was as a result of stress. At the time I found out I was working 70+ hours a week with an irregular sleeping pattern and highly stressed. I haven't admitted this to my DH.

We are very blessed that financially we will be ok if I quit. But has anyone else done the same and been happy with their decision or ended up regretting it?

Can you take some time out rather than quit? A career break or something like that? I think with infertility, there's always a danger that you think that 'this' is going to be the magic thing that makes a difference and it's very hard if it doesn't make a difference (obviously I would hope that it does). Knowing that you can go back might give you a sense of security.

I’m really sorry you’ve had such a difficult time, but I think it would be deeply unwise to quit, especially if the sole reason is because you hope it would be the magic factor that allows you have a successful pregnancy. If you knew for sure that wouldn’t be the case, would you still want to quit?

I would definitely try and take some time off but don’t leave your job. Would they allow you an unpaid break?

There is no evidence stress causes miscarriages at all. Fertility treatment is sadly a numbers game. Don't quit but 'coast' for a bit instead or better yet take some sick leave after your transfer if it makes you feel better. I wouldn't want to come out the other side with no baby and no job.

Can you take a sabbatical instead of giving it up completely? Some extended time off might help your stress levels whilst also giving you options to return depending on the outcome of your treatment. I moved roles (same employer, different team) shortly before our fertility treatment was successful and i do think i was in a better head space for it but i appreciate that 'anecdata' doesn't mean it will work for everyone.

Im sorry you are having such a rubbish time - infertility is a very horrible thing to go through Wishing you all the best

I should've said good luck, sorry. Three rounds down and no pregnancy I've become a bit desensitised!

It’s such a huge risk because obviously you might quit and still not get pregnant 😔 Although at least you would know you’d tried everything.

Anecdotally I do know of a couple of people who took a year off work to do IVF and both got pregnant in that time, they think that lower stress levels helped but I have no idea if there are any stats or evidence which back this up.

Is there no option for a career break / sabbatical so you could take time out but still go back if you want to?

Hope it works out for you 💐

I am in a similar boat to you, in that I have a high pressure job, manage a large team and revenue and have been given new responsibility this year which has put more pressure. I’ve thought of quitting but I think work is an outlet for me in some ways. I’m worried if I quit and sit at home focusing on TTC (we have been trying for 2.5 years), it would make me more stressed.

I think like others have suggested, I’ve considered taking a sabbatical or asking for unpaid leave for a month or so. Timing wise this year end is busy but if it doesn’t happen by December I’m going to consider it in January.

How old are you OP? Can you speak to your GP first about some of these things before making a decision?

Thank you so much for your kind replies, your words of wisdom and best wishes. I guess I’m still very emotional and might not be thinking rationally.

@mynameiscalypso @hugebiggin @bluegreenandcoral a career break/sabbatical might help me gather my thoughts, but with the security of knowing I have a role to go back to. Not something I’d considered before. At the very least I think I need a few weeks off the recover, emotionally as physically.

@Lehenaghmore you’re right, if I knew for certain that quitting won’t solve the problem I’d have been gutted I gave it up.

@Dogdaysagain I like this idea of coasting. I do have a lot of responsibilities outside of my actual role if that make sense? I am involved in a lot of project work, side gigs etc in work. Maybe the first step is to strip my role back to the bare bones again and take a step back from all the “extra curricular”. And I totally get the comment about being desensitised. I can be the same myself after going through so much. I really hope you get some luck yourself, it’s so hard to keep going.

@CrispAppleStrudels I’m so glad to hear your treatment was successful! This is something I had discussed with my DH in the event this pregnancy was a success. That it may be difficult to manage the role with two and that perhaps a side step within my company could make sense. It sounds like this worked out really well for you!

@bstrong0805 your job sounds exactly like mine. And your response sounds exactly like what goes on in my head….if it doesnt happen by X I’ll do Y. But I end up chickening out every time!! I don’t think I’d be more stressed at home, I do really enjoy being a home maker. But I do find work is a distraction for me when the going gets tough, it passes away the day. I worry that I would wallow a bit at home all day.

@Test123456879 I’m 34. Do you mean speak to my GP in terms of what is causing recurrent miscarriages.

I really hope everything works out for you OP. Best of luck!