How to deal with disappointment over BFN

[DJT30]

My best friend and I always joked about how cool it would be to get pregnant at the same time. I started trying 5 months ago. She started trying this month. She's pregnant and I'm not. She told me the very day she found out, I'm trying my absolute best to be happy for her but I'm just so disappointed that I'm not pregnant, I can't be happy for her.

Any tips?
Obviously I'd never share this with her and all my messages are along the lines of "omg I'm so excited". Both in our early 30s so not all is lost but I'm just so impatient now.

Also can anyone explain how does this work... if there's an egg and a sperm swimming towards each other (we had sex every other day, both had full fertility checks privately with my husband and confirmed both are healthy, shouldn't be any issues), how can they not meet? I understand once but 4-5 months?! How is it that up to 12mo is normal?

@DJT30 it's much more involved that that. Do you know when you ovulate? And whether you do ovulate? The window to conceive is very small. Also dr's don't advise having sex everyday, more like every other day.

If it was that easy many women wouldn't need assistance. Sadly a lot of women are diagnosed with unexplained fertility

Apologies, just re read your post and you said every other day

Yes as mentioned I literally went through all the possible tests privately. My ovaries work fine, I ovulate, tubes are clear, uterus is healthy. I've also got a baby already (she's 3)

@DJT30 totally understand what you're saying but unexplained fertility issues often follow solid test results. There is also a lot of info out there about secondary infertility but I think four months of trying really isn't that much for many people x

When I was trying to get pregnant I'm convinced what did it for me was the use of a moon cup. I shoved it up there immediately after sex, before I'd even moved, to "hold in" the important liquids. I left it in for a few hours. All the evidence to say this works is anecdotal but I'm 100% sure it worked for us.

Sorry it's taking longer than you expected but it's pretty single minded you can't be happy for her. Your situations have no bearing on each other. Up to a year for healthy couples is normal.

I obviously don't mean to feel this way!

I’m now 2 years into secondary infertility. Like you all investigations/tests are normal but it’s just not happening. I’m starting Letrozole next month I’m hoping that works

Sorry you're feeling down OP. I've not got any kids yet, but have been pregnant twice, first time took 2.5 years and second took 6 months, both ended in missed miscarriage. The first time my brother and sister in law got pregnant on the first month of trying, about 5 months after my loss and had a healthy baby boy. This pregnancy my partner's sister in law was 4 weeks ahead of us and had a healthy 12 week scan on the day we had our first scan of bad news (took 3 weeks to actually confirm heart stopping after this).

It's really tough when someone else has what you want, especially when they are really close to you and it feels like it came so easily to them and it's unfair that you have to wait. What I'd say from what I've learnt is 2 things from my TTC journey so far - firstly, take the time and space you need. Don't feel like you have to be totally involved in your friend's pregnancy if you don't feel comfortable. If you take the space then it's likely you'll start to feel a bit better about the situation, which leads me to point 2 - try to separate her life from yours. It's not an either or situation. You might get pregnant next month, or the month after. God forbid, she might miscarry. There's 1001 variables, but your life isn't ruled by what's going on in hers. Try to stay focused on your own life and keep the jealousy out as much as you can as it'll only make it feel harder for you otherwise.

And finally, you've only been trying 5 months. If you think about it, pregnancy is insane. 2 cells meet that are compatible, and then divide over and over and know exactly what to do to form all our different organs and other body parts? It's a small miracle it works at all! I know it seems like a long time, but it's not in the greater scheme of things. You can also take some comfort in knowing your tests were all good. Each month, even if you time it right there's like a 20% chance of an egg getting fertilized. Just got to keep on trying. Fingers crossed you get your BFP soon x

@DJT30 Hey OP! Sorry you’re going through this but I thought I’d add to the comments above to say that most of the issues actually happen after the egg meets sperm.
Only 1 in 3 embryos of a normal healthy person are viable. Once you get a viable egg it then has to implant and that involves a very intricate process requiring the right amount of hormones, any imbalance can cause implantation not to occur.

So it won’t be that the sperm didn’t meet the egg, just the right embryo hadn’t had a chance to form and be able to implant yet and your body is super clever at being able to filter those out. When we get older that 1 in 3 turns into a 1 in 4 and into a 1 in 5 and so on.

I’m 29, ttc cycle 4 and have had chemical pregnancies cycle 1 and 3 due to non viable eggs x

Thank you so much for sharing! Just wondering, how do you know they're due to a non viable egg (as opposed to sperm or another factor)?

@DJT30 Sorry I meant embryo when I said egg!
Normally the issue happens when the egg & sperm meet and then they start to divide- the chromosomes don’t divide properly which creates a non viable embryo.
However if you have lower quality eggs or your partner has lower quality sperm then that can increase your chance of having a non viable embryo.

Co-enzyme Q10 supplementation is thought to help the quality of eggs & sperm. If you’re not taking this already I’d recommend you both start taking co-enzyme Q10 in the form of ubiquinol. You can get this easily from Amazon 😊

@LacedBouquet thank you, I take pregnacare conception, will have a look later if that has coenzyme q10... he takes his own supplement Impryl

@DJT30 Even in completely healthy couples, the chances of pregnancy each cycle when every is timed right is about 30% iirc.

Sperm meeting egg likely happens more than we realise, almost every time, but that's just the first hurdle.

Not every sperm and egg are made equally and, unfortunately, the majority of fertilised eggs don't make it past a few days.

Chromosomal abnormalities are the most common reason and occur in perfectly healthy couples, it's just a case of playing the odds. The longer you are ttc the more likely you'll get a sperm egg pairing that works, but if you're unlucky it can take a while.

It's literally luck, that's it. If your fertility tests are all clear, there's nothing much more you can do. You might as well be in a casino betting red/black on roulette; you can get it right first time or get it wrong 8 times in a row, the odds reset each time to 50/50.

I also completely understand how you feel about a friend getting there before you. She just got lucky and you haven't yet. Try to remember that there's nothing either one of you could have done differently to change that, it was pure luck.

You'll get there, just keep trying and try (as hard as I know it is) to be patient.

I got my bfp on cycle 6 and I consider myself lucky it didn't take longer.

@XenaTheWarriorPrincess thank you for the helpful explanation! It’s definitely made me feel better. Good luck with your pregnancy

No problem @Annapolis35 I know how difficult it is to accept that so much of ttc is completely out of our control and comes down to luck, but it can be nice to know that not falling quickly doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong, or that there's a problem.

Good luck on yoir journey and here's hoping you get lucky soon!