Struggle For Second Baby

[Leannej1986]

This is going to be along one sorry....

I feel like I need to speak to someone who will hopefully be able to understand.
I have a son who will be 4 in December, when he turned 1 I wanted to start trying for baby number 2 but my husband wasn't keen, I thought it was just then as we was still very much in covid times, but I was soon to realise he was going to drop a bombshell on me, by saying he didn't want another child ever, he had developed severe anxiety whilst having our first child, we had, had a few hospital/ doctors appointments that didn't go well and was bad experiences so my husband mentally couldn't deal with going through that all again with another, he's a fantastic daddy throwing himself fully into parenting. It put a strain on us as I was grieving the fact I'd never have the second child I'd so longed for, I never wanted an only child coming from a big family myself, and felt cheated as we had always discussed before marriage we would have two, in December 2022 I thought I was pregnant and to my amazement my husband was actually happy about the thought but come Christmas Day I came on my period and I was gutted and my husband said in the new year we're start trying I was absolutely thrilled, come the January I wasn't well at all and this continued to March my husband told me to call the doctors and she advised it sounded like I was perimenopause, my world came crashing down, my husband had finally given us the green light to try for this long awaited baby and it looked like at the age of 36 it was all being taken away from me, my husband went into despair blaming himself that he had waited to long to give me and his son a sibling, he plummeted into depression, our life's were falling apart with endless dramas and my health was being investigated, I had the perimenopause test and it wasn't that, I had a full blood count and I got a high result of the CA125 and had to be put on an emergency ultrasound to check for ovarian cancer, after 2 weeks of tests and examinations thankfully all came back normal and my illness was put down to an hormonal imbalance and to help this was to go on contraception, this wasn't an option for me, so I'm continuing to try for a second baby, whilst my body is having extreme PMS/ Pregnancy symptoms each month, irregular periods, painful ovulation, it's now been 8months and each month is getting harder and harder to bare. The hormones and disappointment breaks me each month and it's now my husband encouraging us to keep trying. My friends are all getting pregnant around me and I'm thrilled for them but it tortures my heart. I feel like I'm now boring all my friends and family with this and seeking others in the same boat.

Oh my goodness that sounds so hard. I'm sorry you've been through all that and are still suffering. It sounds like your husband is doing everything he can now and he's had a hard time too. Can you take a break and focus in your health for a few months? And maybe talk to a counsellor together to get some support? I hope things get better soon.

It sounds very hard. I am in a similar type of place. I had lots of the similar symptoms starting aged 36 (I’m 37 now) and we are trying for our second. I had similar tests to you from the Gp - CA125, FSH/LH, transactional ultrasound etc etc and everything normal. GP said it was too early for perimenopause. Main symptom was irregular periods also a lot of mid cycle spotting, low libido, some hot flushes etc.

I went to a medical herbalist which took a full history and told me what I suspect which is that the irregularity of my periods suggests some are Anovulatory and it is probably the perimenopause starting. However this does not mean I am not able to conceive. She provides me with a herbal mix - this is tailored to me but includes agnus castus among other herbs. Honestly it has made a big difference to me - it was the thing that made me realise we want to try for another.

I have had 3 cycles on it and can see each one I ovulate (although irregularly) but that is reassuring. My symptoms have reduced and I have lower anxiety and feel my ‘bounce’ is back. As long as ovulation is happening there is a chance for conception even in perimenopause (this is my understanding having done a bit of reading).

Do you chart your temperature with BBT? It can be helpful just to see what is going on. I’m really sorry you are also going through it all. Hopefully we will get our BFPs soon xx

It may seem strange but now my husband is on board I feel like I want to get pregnant soon before he changes his mind again, I don't think I could go through that again, he's on medication now for his depression and he's a completely different person but I feel anything could effect that, also I don't think my age is on my side! I have contacted the doctors to talk about my mental health being effected.

@CurlyWurly1991 I'm 37 this month, and I'm adamant I'm going through the perimenopause, but thankfully I'm still ovulating for now.
I don't chart my temperature, just started last month using ovulation tests. As I couldn't trust my app to tell me when I was ovulating due to my irregular periods.
How long have you been trying for 2nd baby if you don't mind me asking?
I was thinking I need to look into something to make me feel better, weather that be herbal or vitamins. sorry your going through similar xx

Hi @Leannej1986 I’m on CD10 of my 4th cycle. My periods are very irregular in every sense of the word. I listened to a good podcast that you might find helpful ‘don’t tell me to relax’ and there is an episode on TTC with irregular cycles.

@CurlyWurly1991 thank you so much I will have a listen 😊

Is it ethical to push your depressed DH into this? It seems you are putting your ‘need’ for another child ahead of his mental health. No one is entitled to a child, and you are already a mother.

Perhaps you should stop putting direct or indirect pressure on him and give him the time and space he clearly needs, then gently revisit the topic when he is better.