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Conception

When's the best time to get pregnant? Use our interactive ovulation calculator to work out when you're most fertile and most likely to conceive.

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Original poster

Do women forget?

19 replies

Underthesea88 · 22/07/2023 10:15

Hi,

I’ve posted a few times about my fertility problems and no positive tests so far (fingers crossed). Just wandering as I have a friend that had fertility problems for a couple of years and I remember her being heartbroken every time someone announced another pregnancy and it just wasn’t happening for her. She actually used to rant about it. Now I’m going through struggles and she luckily managed to conceive and has her rainbow now. Here’s the problem though……. She posts that baby all the time and how lucky she is etc etc.

Now I know that the problem is mine and not hers and she’s entitled to celebrate her joy! I know she’s that focused on the baby. But do people forget their own pain and suffering? I know I’m being so selfish here. I’ve had to distance myself from a group of friends as they’re all pregnant/have kids and I am getting nowhere.

I don’t even know what I want to achieve with this message? Just feeling lonely I suppose.

OP posts:

Dotcheck · 22/07/2023 10:17

She was being selfish. You are now being selfish. Just snooze her account- you don’t have to look at it.

Original poster

Underthesea88 · 22/07/2023 10:27

@Dotcheck ouch. You’re right. Still hurts a lot.

OP posts:

HopefullMumto4 · 22/07/2023 10:52

When your turn arrives you'll want to post photos and be thankful too. It's very difficult not to want to show your baby off every opportunity.

You are absolutely allowed to feel those feelings, you just can't ask anyone to stop being proud of their children.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 22/07/2023 10:53

Why would your friend not want to show off her much wanted for child.

You will do exactly the same in her shoes.

Original poster

Underthesea88 · 22/07/2023 11:11

Yes I totally agree with all above. I’m selfish I know. I don’t post on social media at all though. My job involves safeguarding so I don’t post because of that really. I’m very mindful of other people especially how much it broke her. Suppose I just wanted a little hand hold. That’s what I did with her. Consider myself told. I’m just being a twit!

OP posts:

akk · 22/07/2023 20:19

Underthesea88 · 22/07/2023 11:11

FWIW, I feel the same as you and I think it's natural to feel this way. I'm sure it's the same for you too but I feel happy for my pregnant friends but equally it's a painful reminder of the struggle we are going through. Both of these feelings are valid in their own right and can be felt at the same time.

Ella31 · 23/07/2023 08:42

You are not selfish. That is such a bold statement. I've been in the same place as both you and your friend. I'm now finally pregnant and all going well you will be too soon. When it isn't happening it is such a lonely place and so stressful, I would add that your friend is just in a bubble of joy and its hard because before you had this common thread with her.

So as I said, selfish is not a fair word because infertility is so painful. You are just feeling isolated. Others are right though , you have to remove yourself from these posts about babies if it's hurting you. It's out of your control. Wishing you lots of luck.

Clara202 · 23/07/2023 10:04

You’re not being selfish, your feelings are valid.
Of course everyone wants to show off their much longed for babies but let’s face it, some people do go overboard on social media with daily posts about their kids, mummy quotes etc and it’s understandable that you’d be feeling this way considering she was once in your position. I would mute her posts, shield yourself and take comfort in the fact that one day you’ll be in her current position.

whatahun · 23/07/2023 15:43

I think the responses here have been really unkind. I’ve been in your shoes and of course it’s upsetting to see other people building their families when you want one of your own. Struggling to conceive brings lots of emotions, some of which we’re not proud of. Give yourself a break, you’re going through enough!

Honestly I do think people forget. Once I was pregnant, I was totally distracted by being pregnant (wanting to vomit!!) and prepping for the baby. It’s also such a painful period to look back on I try not to think about it too much or talk about it openly.

Having said that, try not to isolate yourself from all of your friends. Even if someone hasn’t experienced infertility, I had 1-2 friends who had had miscarriages who I could talk to about how I was feeling and it helped me feel less alone. Most people have a journey to go on to becoming a mother!!

wishing you all the best xxx

Original poster

Underthesea88 · 23/07/2023 17:05

Thanks for the kind messages. I’m open to all message really (put my hard hat on!) This is why I won’t confess to anyone in real life because I realise how it sounds. I’m really not a bad person but the more time goes on, it looks less and less likely that it’s going to happen for me.

Time pressure is definitely on! And the waiting lists on the NHS for IVF are so long. Just keep pushing forward I guess and keep busy. I’d never actually say this to my friend even if it destroys me .

OP posts:

HopefullMumto4 · 23/07/2023 17:50

I read somewhere years ago, I can't remember where at all now but that "there aren't a specific number of pregnancies allowed in the world, just because someone else gets pregnant it doesn't mean that's a chance taken from you"

I kinda always thought it was comforting, thinking that it wasn't one woman over another.

As I said before, you see absolutely allowed to feel the way you feel, just as you can't stop other people from feeling the way they feel.

Posting anon is perfect for ranting.

TheBeesKnee · 23/07/2023 17:58

I haven't forgotten, but I don't think about it iyswim. It's not at the forefront of my mind because my baby has outshone everything else. It took me 4 years to get pregnant.

I felt the same as you before I had my baby, I used to cry at pregnancy announcements etc.

You're allowed to feel how you feel, but try not to become saturated by those feelings. It would be odd for people to NOT share their joy, don't you think?

moosey89 · 23/07/2023 18:22

@Underthesea88 you are not a bad person at all! You can simultaneously understand that others can share their pregnancy news and be joyful, and at the same time be working to heal your own trauma and be upset. The feelings are not mutually exclusive. I was so so angry when I had confirmation of my second missed miscarriage (no living children) and the initial outburst was aimed (non maliciously) at my partner's brother and sister in law who were 4 weeks ahead of us and had a good 12 week scan the day of the first scan where we basically found out our pregnancy wouldn't last. Of course I don't wish them anything except a healthy pregnancy and birth, but it's their second baby with no issues and no losses and the jealousy was more than I could bear.

HappyJoyousFree · 23/07/2023 18:32

You're not being selfish or awful. I'm lucky in that we've not had fertility issues but my best friend can't have any and after 5 rounds IVF has sadly come to the conclusion she won't biologically have her own. She says she's happy for friends/family when they have children but at the same time is sad for her as its something she longs for. Sometimes she goes quiet when there's lots of new baby things and puts a bit of distance in to safeguard her emotional wellbeing and that's ok. You're ok to feel how you feel. You can be happy for your friend and sad for you at the same time. It doesn't mean you're an awful person or selfish and those who love and care for you will understand that. It's great that she has a baby now but it's ok for you to not be jumping for joy and shouting from the rafters about it. Maybe do something kind for you and don't try to dismiss how you feel. Your emotions are valid because you feel them and you matter too!

moosey89 · 23/07/2023 18:36

@Underthesea88 should add that the first pregnancy took 2.5 years to conceive and losing that one totally broke me (just unexplained infertility, not an IVF pregnancy) and shortly after that loss my brother and sister in law conceived first month trying, straightforward pregnancy. It's really, really emotionally exhausting to not have a happy ending when you see those around you getting theirs xx

TunnocksTCake · 25/07/2023 13:10

I know exactly where you are coming from. I had a really hard time trying with multiple MCs and my friends were getting pg left right and centre and posting about their pregnancies/ babies all over social media.

Right now you are in very different places and you need to do everything you can to protect yourself and your mental health. Sounds dramatic, and you dont even need to tell people you are doing it, just unfollow on social media, dont go to baby showers/ dont go for long, excuse yourself from conversations that make you feel sad. And listen to podcasts of other people going through what you are/ are in the same headspace you are. BFN was a personal favourite of mine, 2 best friends who were TTC, one having IVF I think and actually I seem to remember even they had a break from one another when one was successful because it was too hard. It is not being selfish, it is self preservation.

You will get through this and get to the part where you get to celebrate your baby however you choose. And for what its worth I will never forget how it feels to be where you are and whilst I personally wouldnt splash it all over social media for that reason, I can totally understand why people would when they have been through so much to get where they are like it sounds your friend did.
Look after yourself. xx

Original poster

Underthesea88 · 25/07/2023 16:19

@TunnocksTCake That message has made me teary! It’s so lovely and eloquently explains exactly how I feel. Definitely going to act on all of that advice. I don’t want to stop anyone celebrating their babies as that is ridiculous. Just the acknowledgment of knowing that I’m struggling is enough.

Thank you!

OP posts:

Peony654 · 26/07/2023 15:54

You're not selfish. For your own sake, stop following her on social media. I personally think posting pics of babies isn't fair as they can't consent.

Peony654 · 26/07/2023 15:55

And I'm deliberately not posting anything on social media about my pregnancy, for this very reason.

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