Struggling to cope with infertility

[BlackLotus]

I'm not sure the point of this post really. I guess I'm just looking some solace.
I'm late 30s and we've been trying for a child since our 20s. I'm just feeling very exhausted at this point and after another failed cycle I feel hopeless. My mental health has plummeted and I'm at an all time low and I just can't shake it off.
I've lost contact with all of my friends due to this. They all have children , seemingly without any fertility problems as they have been able to pop them out one after another. They can't comprehend the struggle of not being able to have a child and I felt like It was almost humorous entertainment to them. They discussed it with several others in the community that im not even that familiar with and without even thinking how that would make me feel. I've heard numberous jokes and comments ( many of which they weren't even aware I'd overheard) one of them which I was labelled a "poor b@stard" because I can't have children and laughing about it. I cant socialise with anyone anymore, as i just feel such judgement. I don't understand why people think its ok to judge a woman based on the fact she dosent have a child. Its so cruel and hurtful. I ended my relationships with friends as I'd had enough. I don't have siblings ect and feel I just dont have anywhere to turn to, other than my partner but my relationship with him is really struggling right now and I don't feel I can communicate openly with him. It feels like we've been together forever yet I feel so distanced. I'm struggling with my self esteem really badly. I just feel like , I don't feel like a woman because I can't bear a child. I can't stand when my partner touches me , even hugs have become uncomfortable. I feel totally ashamed worthless and I just keep thinking why would he want to be with me, he's just comforting me out of pity. I don't feel woman enough for him because I know he really wants biological children and I'm past it. I don't know if we'll be able to recover from this. I can't ever imagine my life improving .
I guess I'm just looking comfort from a stranger and hoping someone who's been through this can offer some advice , that things can get better or at least how do you cope with it?

Hi OP,
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wonder if you might get more replies from people in a similar situation, or with wise advice to offer, if you post on a different board? I think there's an infertility board, and also a childfree board. I worry you won't get a lot of responses on the conception board, but I might be wrong (in which case please ignore me!).
Sending you love, in any case.

Oh darling. It is so unfathomably shit. My heart really goes out to you. I’m not going to do the whole toxic positivity “it’ll happen!” as I know how enraging that is to receive. What I try and do when I’ve felt angry/ashamed/heartbroken is think “how would I speak to another woman in my position” and try to speak to myself with the same gentleness and care that I would someone else.

Those people in your community sound like maniacs who are beneath your time and energy. The line I use when someone says something thoughtless and unkind to me on fertility is to smile and say “Gosh I’m surprised you feel comfortable saying that!”. It flips the embarrassment onto them and can help you regain your power in the moment.

The only other thing I would say is men on average tend to do exactly what pleases them. We are socialised to be dutiful and sublimate our needs for others in a way that many men aren’t. I would be very surprised if your hubby felt anything other than deep compassion for you and powerless to take away your pain.

I hope you have plans this evening to do something peaceful and take care of yourself x

I didn’t want to read and run OP. DH and I have not been trying for as long as you but we are seriously facing the prospect that it won’t happen for us so I can sort of comprehend how you feel. I don’t want to do the whole ‘it’ll happen’ or ‘we stopped trying and I got pregnant’ because it doesn’t help it makes you feel even more of a failure.

I really have felt the urge to isolate myself from friends and family who are pregnant, like you said for everyone else it seems to happen easily. I started to find myself resenting people who want abortions or who get pregnant accidentally and even hating single parents with multiple children and different fathers and no income etc (i know I’m stereotyping to make my point!) because it just seems so unfair that I’ve worked to put myself in a position to give a child a good stable upbringing, but I can’t actually have the child. DH and I are not really interested in adoption as we know people who have been through the process and that almost broke them as well.

We have decided that when we draw the line and we are not quite there yet the only way through it is for us to completely transform or change our lives, living in a different way to how we’ve planned. We see it that we’ve bought the house, got the jobs etc with an end goal to raising a family and we need to totally change our lifestyles if that’s not an option for us. We plan to move abroad or live rurally and probably change jobs etc as we feel having something else to fulfil us is the only way.

You mention you’re not getting on well with your DP. To put it bluntly if you can’t have children should you stay together or can you make a different life for yourself? Is there anything else you always wanted to achieve that being child free would allow you to do? I’m sorry if my suggestions are simplistic or off the mark as I really have so much sympathy and understanding for you, it’s a shit situation.

@BlackLotus

Hello,

I'm currently sat here literally crying about my own infertility too so I just saw your post at the right time ☹️

I completely understand every word of your post. I am admittedly only two years into TTC and haven't yet attempted IVF but I truly feel the grief and pain you are going through.

I have absolutely no one to talk to either other than my husband. My husband is great but there's only so many times I can go through it all with him. I'm petrified he's going to leave me for somebody who 'works'.
My friends are horrendous, absolutely no sympathy at all - apparently being infertile is my choice (?!! Explain that one!) and unfortunately my family just don't seem interested.

Nothing else particularly helpful to add, just wanted you to feel a little less alone. Xx

Empathise greatly with your feeling creeping judgement of other women. I walked past a woman with a huge bump smoking a joint recently and had to really fight the urge to say something to her. Sending love x

Sending you a big hug, this sounds so hard 😔 Would some sort of therapy be helpful to you think? It sounds like you could with someone to talk to who’s outside of your situation and you can be fully open with them x

I'm so sorry, OP 😢

I'm mid-30s and granted I haven't been trying for as long as you have. It'll be 1.5 years of trying for me this coming August, I know that's nothing really. I've tried naturally and had IVF, all have failed. I've had 3 chemicals in that time, one was via IVF. I feel like shit after 18 months, so I can't imagine how you must feel after a decade, give or take. It's so awful.

In the time I've been trying, there have been two newcomers at my work who both got pregnant in a matter of months of joining, although they could have been trying before they joined, so there's no knowing really how long it took them. One is set to go on maternity leave in October.

I can't stand it. Going to work with someone who seemingly got pregnant easily, yet I've been trying and having losses the entire time. I was sticking myself with hormones when the first newcomer went off on maternity leave. I can't relate to anyone at work when they talk about their pregnancies, pregnant wives/girlfriends and kids, it's so isolating.

Unfortunately I just don't know the right words to say, other than I know what it's like. We will all each get our turn and although things seem shit now, everything will work out for the best xx

First things first
Have you been referred for fertility investigations? I'm really sorry how you are feeling and have been in a similar situation and we had our son via IVF. X