Hand hold needed please

[happydaysss]

Hi everyone, please be kind, feeling fragile. My partner and I have been together since teenage years, for 17 years. Very loving relationship. We love our life and for various reasons decided together to wait before TTC. I'm now 33 and the end of this year was when we planned to start trying.

To our surprise we fell pregnant in early June, sadly suffering a miscarriage at 6W. I'm absolutely heartbroken, he is upset but not to the same extent. Tonight we chatted about our next steps and we aren't on the same page which I'm gutted about.

I'd like to start trying again immediately, I'm worried about my age, my BMI (35+), suffering more miscarriages and generally feeling empty post the loss. I cannot see any good reason not to try now, especially given the fact that fertility peaks post miscarriage. My partner would like to wait until the end of the year as we originally discussed. His reasons are 1) my BMI, and trying to be as healthy as possible to help our chances and 2) we have some city breaks planned which he would like for us to fully enjoy before TTC.

I feel broken, which I appreciate is mostly hormones all over the place. Can anyone help me rationalise? ❤️

Hi @happydaysss
im so sorry about your loss. I went through something very similar.
my husband and I fell pregnant in 2017 but unfortunately it ended in a tfmr due to edwards syndrome. We both grieved in completely different ways. I wanted to start trying asap. He kept putting it off ‘oh we’ve got this planned and that planned’ and after all the plans were over, he had decided he didn’t want children anymore. It was a horrendous time and we ended up splitting up for a while, but 6 years later and we are genuinely happier than ever and planning a family again.
It’s important to allow him the space to grieve but also protect yourself at the same time. I completely understand your feelings. But maybe you would feel less anxious about your next pregnancy if you did spend 6 months focussing on your health and well-being?
it’s a very personal decision but I can honestly say with my story, things have happened the way they were supposed to, even if I couldn’t see it at the time.
lots of love and luck to you! Xxx

@LynzyG thank you so, so much. What a happy ending to what must have been an incredibly difficult time for you. I wish you all the luck in the world on your TTC journey together this time. I really appreciate your kind opinion, and I can see how my vision is entirely clouded right now having just MC. There can be no harm in looking after myself xxx

I’m sorry for your loss, It’s really difficult, I can see why he wants to wait. Personally I don’t think there is a right time, after your holidays are out the way there will be something else that means pregnancy isn’t super convenient. I also wanted to wait until everything was perfect though so I understand.
ultimately if he doesn’t want to try, there’s not much you can do. Maybe just try to calmly talk through the situation with him, can you still go on the holidays if you’re pregnant? Can you still have a good time? What if you wait, does he think you’ll fall pregnant straight away, is he aware it could take a long time? is there any compromise to be had?

i know it’s not quite the same, but we are TTC and each month I’m not pregnant I try to set out so that by next month if I fall pregnant then I’m in a healthier and better position than the last, so the passing time feels like more of a positive thing.

Sorry to hear about your loss. I know for me the only thing that was going to make things better was getting pregnant again. Is your weight an issue for your partner more generally? Otherwise it seems like wanting to wait until you lose weight puts a lot of pressure on you ...