Would you try again? 41 ectopic pregnancy.

[DéjàMoo82]

I know only me and my husband can really decide this, but I'm feeling pretty raw and all over the place right now and just interested in other people's views.

We have a DC who is 3 and everything we could have hoped for in a first child. TTC baby no 2 has not been a smooth ride. Two miscarriages, lots of disappointment, waiting and worry that time isn't on my side.

I really thought this was it - got to 12 weeks so was starting to relax a bit and was due to have my dating scan this week. However last week I became very ill very fast. I had a ruptured ectopic and had such massive internal bleeding that I nearly died. I'm recovering physically but my head's naturally a bit of a mess.

We're not even discussing yet whether we'll be trying again, it's too soon, but naturally it's on my mind. This baby was so wanted and I was so happy and excited that it's hard to let go. I'm 40 now and it was never the plan to be having babies in my 40s. I'm not opposed to it, but I'm also wondering how hard this is going to be and should we be putting ourselves through it? Or should we be happy and satisfied with what we do have? I'm not sure how easy that will be for me, but is definitely something I'm considering after the traumatic week I've just been through.

Not sure exactly what I'm after with this thread. Other's experiences maybe? Views on what you think you would do if you were us? Thanks for reading.

Oh and the reason I said 41 in the heading is that by the time we're able to start TTC again I will be 41.

Hey @DéjàMoo82. Sorry to hear you've been through such a lot in such a short time. Your head will be all over the place for a while I'd think.
I hear you that this baby was much wanted and loved, and you're processing loss at the same time as trying to recover medically. I hope you are being really kind to yourself at this time, and hope your husband is doing as ok as he can too.
As for trying again, only you and your husband will know if and when it feels right for you both. If you decide to try again I wish you every happiness with your journey, if you decide to stop trying you will still have every happiness with your family as you are.
Sending you a lot of love and a cuddle OP, rest for now if you can and access support if you can going forwards.
If you're in Scotland you can contact Baby Loss Retreat who will support you, if not there will be similar support I'm sure.

I would be led by medical professionals op

Honestly, no.

I am sorry for your loss

I would enjoy your family as it is rather than risk further heartache.

Hey, OP. I'm 42 and yesterday found out via a scan that we'd suffered our 6th consecutive miscarriage.

I was 8w 4d. I also suffered an Ectopic in September 2022, which resulted in the loss of my right tube along with a massive internal bleed.

I know exactly how you're feeling. Every loss has taken so much out of me, us, and family life. I get really vad nausea with my pregnancies, and I've realised over the last 13 months that I've spent more time being pregnant and unwell than not. I've almost forgotten who I was before I embarked on this journey.

It's so very, very hard. You then think that the next one will be it, what if you don't try and you miss that opportunity. You feel the pressure of time and age, and you try to hope. How do you let go of that part of you? How do you not envisage that baby in the future completing your family? You have to change your entire outlook.

It's soul destroying. I can't offer any advice on what your end point is, but if you need to talk, feel free to private message me. I'm sending you love and courage, and I'm so sorry for your losses.

Thank you for your kind words @recyclemeagain - you're right. I know I need time to process - I've never been the most patient and always need a plan but I think this is one of those times that wont work. I feel like I can't really talk to my family about this side of things as they're all understandably more concerned with my health right now. I'm lucky to still be here for the child I do have, I know that.

I think if I were younger I'd probably not be even questioning this and would definitely be TTC again as soon as physically able. The medical professionals told me that there's no reason I can't go on to have a healthy pregnancy. They would scan me at 6 weeks to make sure the baby was in the right place. I'm just not sure how I feel starting this whole process again at the age of 41... which takes me back to should I just be happy with my lot now and concentrate on the lovely child I'm lucky enough to have.

Thanks for your replies - I'm aware I'm rambling - as I said, my head's all over the place so it's helping me get it all out I think.

Thank you so much @Amuseaboosh, I'm so so sorry you are going through all of that. Yes, you've articulated it so much better than I have. I'm so sorry about your miscarriage yesterday after so many losses, it's just so cruel and I really hope things work out for you whatever you decide. As others have said to me, be kind to yourself. I wish I had some advice for you too, I'm sorry.

I'm facing a similar issue, OP! Sending good vibes your way.

Understanding your emotional and mental state where another gets it is always helpful. Thank you for your kind words.

How is your DH coping?

You must feel utterly drained. I do hope you're giving yourself much needed love and care. The physical side is one thing. There's so much more beyond that to contend with, all while outwardly holding it together. The struggle is indeed very real.

Personally I made the decision to try again after a MMC at 10 weeks, but then had to terminate for medical reasons. I’m now 42 and trying again but it’s been a difficult journey. Sending love.

Ectopic pregnancies are awful, I had one and somehow it was so much worse than the miscarriages I'd had previously. I don't think of it often now but it's definitely something that marked me.
Oddly though being forced to take a break from the IVF cycle was really good for me. I used the months of waiting to get fit (got a trainer, lost lots of weight) and also we talked a lot about how much more we were prepared to do. We decided that two more cycles were our limit, but got pregnant on the first. I was 45 when I gave birth, first child.
Having a child at this age isn't easy at all. But I know enough to know that having a child at any age isn't easy. Can't advise you on whether to keep going because only you (and partner) know when you've had enough, but I would say give yourself this break to really listen to your body, your gut feeling about what you are actually willing and capable of doing, whether you can be happy with one child, etc. BUT you must heal from the ectopic pregnancy first and that will take time. Be really kind to yourself, it's such a shocking experience. Good luck.

Thanks everyone - and thank you @FlyingPi for sharing your experience too. I'm sorry you've been through this too, it is up there as one of the most horrific experiences of my life. I will take everyone's advice - one thing at a time and for now that means concentrating on getting better. Thanks again.

I am currently trying again after 3 ectopic pregnancies (through IVF). I’ve said multiple times that I wouldn’t be bothering if I already had a child - it’s a uniquely painful experience. Only you can decide but I’d be tempted to enjoy the family I have ❤️

What did you decide in the end op?