Afraid that DP doesn't want another child

[Nicolelinda96]

Hi guys. I'm a 27 year old mum. We have one amazing little girl who is a year old. She is our world. I would start trying for another tomorrow, but I'm not sure if DP feels the same. We haven't had the discussion of how many kids we wanted, but we both knew that we wanted them. obviously we need to have a talk about this, but im just not quite sure how to approach it or how ill cope if its a definite no. He hasnt said he doesnt want another, but mentioned throwing out our daughters old clothes instead of keeping them and said that he is happy with just her.

Over time, my yearning for another child has just gotten stronger. I've cried over it. Also, I so regret never embracing my first pregnancy due to extreme anxiety. It literally feels like it didn't happen, so I'd absolutely love to fully embrace pregnancy and try a natural delivery (I had a planned cesarean, again due to severe anxiety, when I would've preffered natural) I grew up with a twin sister and an older brother, so I'd love for her to always have a playmate.

Clearly the answer is to talk to him, but I'm terrified of the answer because I don't know what that would do to my mental health and the relationship (I understand this is my issue and something I need to work through) has anyone else felt this way? What did you do?

But not talking to him is worse because you don't know and you can't plan.

DH, now Baby is getting bigger, I want to try for another. What do you think.

Then go from there.

How are money and work stuff? Is he an engaged father?

He's a great father and adores her. And we could afford another. Our house is on the small side and we would need to do some rejigging, but it's doable.

At 1yo you’re still in the thick of it, she’s still a baby and I’m sure your lives have changed massively. Given that your partner has given some pretty strong indications that he has no interest in another right now , I wouldn’t be bringing it up yet. I’d enjoy the baby you have for another couple of years, and broach the subject when you’re not still dealing with nappies etc from the first. I’ve known a few couples to have issues when one another baby immediately and one didn’t. Once arguments and bad feelings have started over the difference of opinion, then it can cause the one who doesn’t want another yet to dig their heels in and they then decide they NEVER want another one. If he’s finding one overwhelming then it may be better to wait until the first has started nursery and he can catch his breath.

I could have written this myself OP, so I really feel for you. Except I am 34 and my baby boy is 12 weeks old.

DH and I always said we wanted two, however had a mmc before this one and so my pregnancy was a really anxious time (that in hindsight I completely regret not enjoying, as baby was born perfectly healthy). I’d be devastated to not get to do it again, and to have a sibling for our baby.

Because of the anxiety during pregnancy, and that our baby has really rotten reflux that is quite challenging, DH has openly said he doesn’t want another and is happy with one. I am hoping once the newborn days are behind us he will realise and change his mind, so have avoided mentioning it too many times (though we have agreed to keep his newborn clothes just incase).

I agree with the previous poster that the only way forward is to speak to your partner, but completely understand why that scares you. Best of luck 🤍

Important to discuss, and also important that you appreciate it’s okay if he says he doesn’t want another for now. Your DD is only 1 YO, unless there’s a reason you haven’t mentioned I can’t see any rush for another given your ages.

Not knowing is the worst.

He might have thrown out clothes because he's anti-second hand clothes because he grew up with second hand stuff?

Maybe he's not thinking about another now but will be up for trying in a year or two?

I don't think that you should assume the worst OP.

I think it's the not knowing that's the worst tbh. I'm obviously going to the worst case scenario

Did you discuss it at all before having the first?

I think that you probably need some counselling before you ttc next time so you can prepare for the possibilities of anxiety and a c-section again because there's sadly always a possibility that things can't go as planned.

Does your partner have siblings ? Does he have a big age gap with them? Sometimes people recreate what their parents did with number of kids and age gaps etc because they assume that their normal is normal iyswim.

Good luck

DP is one of five. His brother sadly passed shortly after birth. Unfortunately he isn't really involved with his siblings, especially his 2 sisters. They just aren't particularly close, whereas me and my sister are best friends. DPs mum was left a single mum to 4 kids and worked 3 jobs to support them, so he knows that we are in a pretty good position financially.

It is early days yet. From around age 15 months to just after 2 I was fairly sure I didn't want another child. I found that time quite hard. DH said he would respect any decision I made around this.

However once DD got to 2.5 things suddenly got a lot easier. I had also moved from an incredibly stressful job. DD is now 3 and I am 14 weeks pregnant with DC2.

Definitely speak to him see where he is at, it might just be something he is not ready for at the moment. 2 under 2 would be very hard. Time is on your side, though I can appreciate if you wanted a small age gap x

Agree with other posters. Also he may still be grieving for his brother as that's a relatively recent loss. Hopefully he'll be up for it just maybe not Right Now. 💕