Massive termination regret

Hewlettthedogsout12 · 2023-06-02T12:12:27+00:00

I'm not sure why I'm posting really as what's done is done but a few weeks ago I had a termination which I thought was the right thing at the time but now I cannot stop feeling incredibly guilty and sad. It is consuming me and I think of very little else. I wish so much I could go back in time. The pregnancy was a shock as although I have two young children, I didn't think I could have more. My last pregnancy and birth was hard and has left me with some physical issues which need resolving. That and an extreme fear/anxiety of how I would cope and some very bad morning sickness is what caused me to go ahead (something I didn't think I would be capable of). But now I just feel I did something so terrible and can't help think it was another little thing like my other beautiful children. And I feel I would have managed. The grief and guilt are unbearable. I am scared I will always feel like this. I just don't know what to do. I would have counselling but I just feel it won't make a difference.

Fifii · 02/06/2023 21:26

Oh bless you. This is why I hate the discourse around termination being a form of birth control; termination is incredibly hard and emotional.
You absolutely did not do anything terrible. You did what you thought was right at the time. Those feelings are still valid - and so is the grief you feel now. Counselling might not help, but it might.
Please be kind to yourself. I hope you have people that you can speak to.
i can absolutely assure that, although the grief, guilt and sadness feels huge at the moment, you won’t always feel like this.
take it easy xx

Original poster

Hewlettthedogsout12 · 02/06/2023 21:41

@Fifii thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to reply to me and being so kind. I don't feel I deserve it. I feel so ashamed and unbelievably guilty and confused as to why I did this in the first place given how I now feel. I felt so panicked and sick at the time and scared of another traumatic birth and sure this was the right thing but now I would give anything to go back in time. I am so used to trying to fix problems but this is one I can't fix, it's done and there's nothing I can do about it. The guilt is just horrible. I just keep thinking that I took a life, and a life probably like my beautiful children's. And the sadness. I feel like I lost a pregnancy and I just don't deserve to feel like that. I know it's ridiculous but all I can think about is getting pregnant again although I know that won't bring back the earlier pregnancy. I currently have a small amount of retained tissue though so they are keeping an eye on things but I may need a D&C. Perhaps karma. I'm sorry to write all this as it's all my own fault and won't change anything. I just really hope this gets easier.

OP posts:

trampoline123 · 02/06/2023 21:49

Even though I knew, and still know it was the right thing to do, I still have awful guilt more than 15 years on.

I think counselling if you can is a good idea, might help, might not.

All your feelings are valid, try and not be so harsh on yourself.

MyasMummy2017 · 04/06/2023 19:09

Heya
It is absolutely normal how you feel it is so recent you’re bound to be thinking a lot about what you have just been through .
I had a termination 6 years ago and I have ended up on this thread as I also just had one yesterday ( I feel so bad for getting myself in this situation but I can’t go back now )
With the first one I felt guilty for a long time but with time I was able to move forward . I still think of that time . This time I don’t feel there was any kind of bond I didn’t want another child .
You will too with time be able to move forward it was the right decision for you at the time and it sounds like you have a lot going on .
please be easy on yourself and try to focus on yourself.
take care xx

onthefence23 · 04/06/2023 19:40

So sorry to hear what you're going through, your reasons are totally valid and you made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time

Your children would have struggled too with you being poorly and what if you hadn't survived the pregnancy and birth?

Going from 2-3 is a big change financially emotionally and logistically.

I hope you find leave

onthefence23 · 04/06/2023 19:40

Find peace *

Isitthathardtobekind · 04/06/2023 19:59

Hewlettthedogsout12 · 02/06/2023 21:41

@Fifii thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to reply to me and being so kind. I don't feel I deserve it. I feel so ashamed and unbelievably guilty and confused as to why I did this in the first place given how I now feel. I felt so panicked and sick at the time and scared of another traumatic birth and sure this was the right thing but now I would give anything to go back in time. I am so used to trying to fix problems but this is one I can't fix, it's done and there's nothing I can do about it. The guilt is just horrible. I just keep thinking that I took a life, and a life probably like my beautiful children's. And the sadness. I feel like I lost a pregnancy and I just don't deserve to feel like that. I know it's ridiculous but all I can think about is getting pregnant again although I know that won't bring back the earlier pregnancy. I currently have a small amount of retained tissue though so they are keeping an eye on things but I may need a D&C. Perhaps karma. I'm sorry to write all this as it's all my own fault and won't change anything. I just really hope this gets easier.

I completely understand this. I had a termination just over a year ago after a surprise pregnancy. I was early 40s with older children and had not considered another baby. I didn’t realise I was pregnant until the sickness had set in. The horrid sickness mixed with utter panic (made worse by the sickness and vice versa) meant that I felt shrouded by a black cloud and could not see any other option. I think if I knew earlier without sickness, I could have thought more rationally. Also I would have had longer and perhaps realised that plenty of women have babies in their 40s - it felt completely unusual for me at the time and everything felt like it was impossible.

I also had retained tissue but didn’t realise that it was not normal to have the bleeding for so long so it took me a while to call and get an appointment to go to be checked. It finally came away naturally a few weeks after which I was glad about as I then didn’t have to take the tablets again.

I had similar feelings to you, and still do - probably more so now - although I don’t feel terrible but I do find myself thinking what if? However, when I’m thinking like that, I remind myself that it was the right thing at the time. The state of my mind meant that I could not have carried on.

I often feel now that I would love to be pregnant again now I’ve realised how many older mums there are and how many people go on to have healthy pregnancies and babies. I feel now I’m in control and if I get pregnant again, I will know and can get help with sickness etc quickly.

I have been considering counselling recently but haven’t had it yet. It sounds like it would be a good idea for you. It won’t go away, but remember that it was the right decision at the time and that time is all there was.

xx

BluePoolNoodle · 04/06/2023 20:02

You can feel both. That it was the right thing at the time for you and feel guilty, that’s natural and you don’t have to feel completely one thing or the other. It’s still really early and counselling sounds a good idea.
sorting your physical problems first is what you owe yourself and your 2 beautiful children

continentallentil · 04/06/2023 20:06

I am so sorry you went through this, how you feel is completely normal and natural - but it doesn’t mean you made the wrong decision.

No one feels goof about terminating a pregnancy, so when it happens it’s for a good reason. As you say, you would have managed, but you did the best you could at the time, which was deciding that it wouldn’t have been good for you and your kids. No one should have more kids than they truly have the energy, time and money for - it just isn’t fair - so this was a perfectly reasonable decision to have made.

Please ring your GP tomorrow and sort out some counselling, it’s important not to just ruminate on this one or you will dig yourself into a whole.

Give yourself time and be nice to yourself, it’s a tough thing to have gone through.

FiddleLeaf · 04/06/2023 22:06

Totally normal and remember you’re still rammed full of hormones. I had to have a D&C after not all was cleared and I felt myself after a few weeks. Zero regrets or guilt now. It was 100% the right decision.

toomanyleggings · 04/06/2023 22:11

Hugs to you. I have two children and worry incessantly about falling pregnant again. I really think that even though we’d manage for very similar reasons to you, I would have to terminate but I would also feel the same terrible guilt you’re feeling. You absolutely have a right to all your emotions. Sometimes being a woman is fucking hard and you can’t win whatever choice you make

Original poster

Hewlettthedogsout12 · 05/06/2023 13:11

Thank you everyone for your kindness. It means a lot x

OP posts:

hotsummerlovin · 05/06/2023 13:13

@Hewlettthedogsout12

How are you feeling? Please take some time to speak to someone professional about this.

scaredandanxious01 · 05/06/2023 14:35

I had a termination almost exactly 1 year ago, I can fully relate with how you are feeling right now. The guilt and sadness felt never ending. I'd have a few good days and feel like I was making progress, then I'd somehow end up back at square one. All completely normal as you are grieving. Hang in there, it will get better with time. I used to not believe people when they told me this but it is true at least in my case. I didn't have counselling although did consider it a few times. I felt talking to other women on here on the Pregnancy Choices section, and doing other reading online that I was able to make peace with it. Hugs to you OP.