Another child….yes or no!

[AlwaysLate13]

Hi all, I’m 37 in August and I have been in a long distance relationship for 2.5 years (he lives 3 hours away). He has kids with his ex and is a very involved father so wouldn’t move that far away from them. My kids are in school here and their dad lives here (even though he hasn’t seen them for over a year) and my parents aren’t in the best of health and they need me here too, so neither of us could relocate. I would like to try for another child. I brought up my first 2 with very VERY minimal help from my then husband, and I have no doubt that I could do it again (even though I know how hard it would be). I don’t want a sperm donor as I wouldn’t be comfortable not knowing who the father is. My partner is on board with the idea, but obviously we know he wouldn’t see this child more than one weekend a month-6 weeks (I guess that’s what military wives do 🤷🏻‍♀️) and I’m not expecting anything from him really, financially or otherwise. Although would be happy for his involvement if he wanted to. I wouldn’t want a child past 38 so im fully aware I’m running out of time, just wondered what everyone else’s opinion is on this? My other kids are 13 and 8 (boys) and my eldest has autism (but is high functioning) and I own my own house outright….

Not for me, I’d rather have a dad who was there and hands on, also your age gaps would put me off going back to the baby stage.

Not for me either.

I get what you mean, but I’m not going to be able to find that within a year and be pregnant, I’d know that person less than I know my partner now and I have no intention of ending the relationship anyway. Also, you can never tell if the father is going to be hand on anyway….I thought my ex husband of 16 years would be….turns out he wasn’t 🤣🤣

I would not do this. It is not fair o the baby to see their dad being very involved with the first children, but not them. A child should not be born to be second best. A sperm donor would be preferable imo.

I wouldn't for a couple of main reasons.

One being that, although plenty of women bring up children alone, I don't think choosing to try to conceive a child who you know will have such minimal contact with their dad is fair. Shit happens, relationships breakdown and men can turn out to be useless, and women often end up having to make the best of a bad situation, but I think it is different to choose to get pregnant when you know their dad is only planning to be a real dad to his older children and just an occasional visitor to this child.

Another reason is that when people consider having just one more child, they often make the assumption that it will be a healthy child. I have worked in childrens' hospitals and I have seen so many instances where a baby is born with/ subsequently diagnosed with profound disabilities/serious permanent illness and the parents' lives end up revolving around caring for the child and managing their illnesses, and their older children's lives change beyond recognition as a result. Their parents have often had to leave their jobs/ spend half of their lives in hospital/ put all of their financial and emotional resources into dealing with the ill/disabled child's condition.

In your shoes I would focus my time, energy and money into supporting my existing children to the best of my ability, rather than rolling the dice on having another child.

Mo9

but I’m not going to be able to find that within a year and be pregnant

Then you don't have another child. You might not have known your Ex would be an absent parent, but you know what sort of parent the current partner is. He's an involved dad with his existing children, and it would be really unfair on any future child to deprive them of the same relationship.

It's a no from me but if you want another baby then that's your choice.
Seems sad that he's happy to be so involved with his current children but wouldn't make adjustments to see his youngest child more that once a month- 6 weeks

Mommy, why doesn't Daddy live with us?

Because he loves your brothers and sisters very much

More than he loves me?

Basically, yes.

Honestly OP no, I wouldn't. He's happy to impregnant you and see the kid every 4-6 weeks. He's presumably then only seeing you every 4-6 weeks for a weekend at a time. That's not a relationship to bring a kid into. I know you thought you'd picked the right one the first time and it's proven to be he's shit, but don't START with those standards.

Fucking ridiculous idea, and as a military family NO that's not how little he sees his kids, as a military wife I would NOT accept that for my kids' sakes so don't use us as some kind of justification.

@pbdr so by that logic, you'd vote no to anyone having even a second child?

I think it’s a bad idea, too risky all round. What if you get hyperemesis and spend half the pregnancy in hospital? What if the baby is in NICU? What if you’re wrong and it’s harder for whatever reason, except this time you have two adolescents to handle as well and not even minimal support.

I’m sorry but I think it would be very unwise.

Well there are arguably some real benefits to a child of having a sibling compared to being an only child, so I can understand that some parents may feel it is worth the risk for the potential benefit to their existing child (I say this as the parent of an only child). The difference/benefit to existing children is less though when they already have a sibling and the parents are considering having more children. Usually that decision is made based on the parents desire to have another child, rather than strictly the best interests of the existing children, and for me that's the point that the risk of things going wrong is no longer worth taking. Obviously other people will have their own opinions, and the level of risk is significantly affected by things like age and family history, but in OPs shoes I wouldn't be taking the gamble.

I think these are all good reasons that you’ve been given, OP. As a mother of a similar age I absolutely understand your desire for another and worry about it not being possible as you get older. I think in your shoes I would try and put in place whatever support you can now in the event that you do go ahead with TTC. At the end of the day it is your decision.